Seeking Direction...

Good Afternoon! I had a blessed morning at church - I actually went to a new church...both new to me, and a new church plant! It was a wonderful morning, learning about Job and his wife. What a beautiful new perspective on what his wife was saying, and the type of woman she may have been. Have you ever considered that the best commentary on the Bible is...well, the Bible? I hadn't ever considered it in that context, but it was a great perspective, and one I would like to apply.
I am at a huge crossroads in my life, as I try to figure out what direction to go. I have been curious about, and considered learning about the adult dating world. I have no experience in adult dating, which I have allowed to be a handicap to me mentally. I also have been starting to get back into the Bible and focusing on church. I am certain that God wants me to fully rely on Him, and I am convinced that God wants to be my safe place, and my hiding place. I know He wants me to study and read the Word, and to focus on the things He wants for me.

Today, as I am seeking direction, and as I am trying to sort out the sources in my life for directions, I have come to a conclusion. Instead of asking someone who is out of state how to get from point A to point B, instead of asking a blind man, instead of asking someone who speaks a different language, or instead of asking someone who's never been to point B from point A, I will ask someone who knows the route, whose familiar with the destination, and who can give me clear, understandable directions. I will call or email the Pastors in my life, ladies that are fully devoted to Christ and involved in church, and I will search my Bible, using the tools and resources I have available to me. Above and beyond those people, and the Bible, I will pray. I have not been praying like I should. I know I should be, and I know many of the reasons why I should. I also have been struggling with guilt and hurt. I am afraid of what God might want me to do. But today, I am going to quit letting fear dictate my relationship with God. If God would have me spend my life single, then so be it. If God wants me to focus on reconciliation, then I shall sit at His feet, and wait for His strength, guidance, and steps. If reconciliation is what God wants, then it's what I want. I want to want and live the things of God, not the things of Regina. I am inadequate.

God knows His plan for my life. And living life based on my own strength, and abilities, is leaving me lonely at night. God is in control and Jesus is enough. I want to live this. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. More importantly, by the minute. I used to spend so much time at church, and in the Word, that the encouragement surrounding me was entirely positive. My available time has changed significantly, mainly due to work. I want to worry more about serving God, raising my kids, and keeping my home comfortable and comforting for my kiddos, than I do about the adult dating world. I don't want to compromise just for attentions sake. I want God to define my relationships, and I want God to define the type of man He wants in my life. Whether that is an issue of reconciliation, or no man, or ?? I don't think God's going to answer the man question right now. I think God desires my focus to be on Him, my heart to be serving Him, and my life to revolve around Him.

My prayer for my life is that it will honor God. I will live in and accept His forgiveness, as I know that the demise of my marriage was largely my fault. I was being foolish, and while I'd like to justify my foolish actions as being reactions, and give the reasons and the hurts that birthed such behavior, the truth is that I am simply a sinner, and I was sinning. And I knew I was sinning. I shouldn't have been. I should have been focused on God then. I should have been begging God to draw my husband back to church. I should have been more willing to accept the help of the counselors in my life. I shouldn't have let pride or prior wounds affect my decision making.

With all of that said, I can also tell you that a call to reconciliation would be hard. I did ask my former husband to move into the apartment with me, and the reason he gave was that he would rather be with his girlfriend. That if they ever broke up, he may consider dating me. Obviously, reconciliation is not a one sided venture. But to look past all that has happened and get back together with him would take a strength I don't have within me. I no longer want to rely on what I think I can or cannot do, I want to rely on what God can do through me.

God is in control, always & still. Jesus is enough. I need to rely fully on those truths. I've not been letting Jesus be enough, I've been wanting something more. It's hard to not focus on having/being in a relationship with a man. It's hard to not think of finding someone that would be helpful in my life. It's hard to not want someone to watch movies with and snuggle with. But I know that my focus is in the wrong place right now. But God can do even the hard things...so I'm going to turn it over to Him.

Okay, I'm rambling and repeating myself now, so I shall sign off here!