The sparkle...

So, the thoughts that I forgot to include in the last blog are something like this:

I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.

Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?

Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."

I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.