The sparkle...

So, the thoughts that I forgot to include in the last blog are something like this:

I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.

Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?

Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."

I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.

The orchestration of it all...

I'm baffled this morning, as I sit at work, thinking about the last two days of my life. As some of you may know, I attended church twice, once at Summit, once at Journey, on Sunday. I was deeply moved by both messages, and grateful for them. I quit mistreating my kids because Clark preached about not mistreating our kids. I will strive to be intentional about bringing them up, instead of just surviving their childhood.
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!