Good times!

Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!

I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.

He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.

I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.

I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.

I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).

So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.

I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.

A little peek....

Here's a little peek into my recent struggles and some things I identified while driving home last night.

First off, while I don't wear my sins on my sleeve when I'm writing this blog, they are there. And I am quite adamant and convinced that I had just as much to do with the dissolution of my marriage. And that sucks. I hate it. Everyday. I didn't think the things I was doing would warrant my ex leaving me. I didn't think he'd walk out on me for it. I didn't think I'd end up a single mom, working full time, because of it. But I did. And if I had known those things would occur, I would like to think I wouldn't have been doing what I was doing, but I honestly don't know, because I didn't know.

Secondly, I like to do things myself. I like to see success and achieve goals, and while I can work with a team, I also like a lot of my "own" success. And giving those successes to God, and asking God for them, has been a huge challenge in my Christian walk...I'm learning, but it's been a slow process!

So, I'm driving home last night, contemplating my life, my ever intensifying schedule, and trying to process some things. I've been adding activities, and people, and friend dates to my life like crazy, and you know what I realized? I want to be accepted. And I'm pushing my limits, all of them I think, trying to gain acceptance. I just want to be loved, I want to know that no one else is going to walk out on me again. I want to know that I can trust people and be trusted. I don't want to feel alone. God has shown me that I am not alone, and has stilled the need/desire to go "man-hunting" for me. I am content to wait on His plan for me as far as a man-woman relationship goes. I am not, however, letting Him lead me in my daily activities.

I want to be everything, do everything and achieve everything, for everyone. I want to be so perfect that no one will get rid of me. I don't want to suffer that deep rejection that changed my life. I'm afraid to not fit in. Yet, I don't want to be fake. I don't want to give "face" answers - I want to answer from the heart the questions that are asked of me. I want people to really know me.

You know what God said last night? "You are loved, and wanted. I will never leave you, or forsake you. I sent my Son for you." And I'm resting today in the fact and truth that God bought me, at a price I couldn't fathom paying for anyone (especially when I'm thinking of my sons....) and I am His. I am His.

So, let this be a reminder to you, as well. You are loved, and wanted. God will never leave you, or forsake you. He sent His Son for you. You are His. Rest in that, take comfort, and let God strengthen you and hold you.

The orchestration of it all...

I'm baffled this morning, as I sit at work, thinking about the last two days of my life. As some of you may know, I attended church twice, once at Summit, once at Journey, on Sunday. I was deeply moved by both messages, and grateful for them. I quit mistreating my kids because Clark preached about not mistreating our kids. I will strive to be intentional about bringing them up, instead of just surviving their childhood.
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!