Bulldozers

This is kind of like part 2 - or a follow up to this post: http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/ive-never-liked-red-brick-can-i-be.html

So I may be a brick wall, a conversation stopper, and hard to talk to at times, but I realized tonight that I live with a Bulldozer. (Or maybe a wrecking ball, but that sounds a little harsh.) You know, the personality type that once they get started, they don't stop? I'm not even sure that me listening is a requirement for the conversation. Okay, I withdraw that statement, because my Bulldozer gets very offended if I'm not listening.

Now, I realize that this is going to sound a little selfish, but I had plans tonight. Not big party plans, but they were plans, nonetheless. I am working on a project, and I was going to put some time in on it. Plus I have about 4 blog titles and outlines started, and I was thinking I might work on one of them. I had stuff I wanted to be doing. Now, we are called to live outside of ourselves, and to live selflessly, and I am trying to learn how to do this in the way that God calls me to. I am also realizing that balance is not the key to everything, and that I need to seek God first. I also have dreams, goals and aspirations that I want to accomplish. I'm not sure how to fit all of that in, and I'm sure I could stand to spend more time praying and less time trying to fix it myself.

Tonight I had much I wanted to accomplish, but the Bulldozer was on a mission. My best attempt at brick-walling wasn't enough. I got the grand pleasure of hearing about commodity stock in bison (note the sarcasm? I mean, I'm sure it's a fascinating topic if you're into commodity stock. Or bison.) and I know everything of significance that happened in The Green Mile - the book and movie - and I didn't even know it was a book. I'll never have to read that one. Or watch the movie. Thank you. I can honestly say that it sounds like one that I would have enjoyed - but that's alright. I also know all about I am Legend and the differences between the book and the movie. Not too big of deal and not too interesting - I never watched that movie on purpose, and again, I didn't know it was a book.

Then there was the part that almost turned into a dialogue (as opposed to the mostly monologue previous part of the conversation) and it was a disagreement. Nothing heated or rude, just two people, with two vastly differing opinions on what we would do/how we would live if we ever were blessed with a large sum of money. This was a bit hard for me, because I have huge dreams for what I would do with a large sum of money, and none of them really lined up with what the Bulldozer would do with a large sum of money. Ah well, that's how it goes, right?

As I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering how many other people face these same communication issues. How many of you are a brick wall, like me, and are generally masters at shutting down a conversation before it ever gets started, because you just don't feel like dealing with it? Not to say there's never a good reason, but I'm guessing there are a lot more excuses than reasons. (You know what an excuse is, right? An excuse is a lie that only you believe.) And how often do the people in our life feel crushed by the inability to complete a thought and share a dream or goal or interest with us because we won't listen?

On the flip side, how many of you are bulldozers? And how often is it that you plow right through the other persons goal, dream, or interest, because you have something that just must be said? (I mean, commodity stock in bison is a pressing issue, right?) You get all fired up by something and you can see that the person you are trying to share with is trying to work on something, but you're just going to share this one thought and you'll let them be, but that one thought turns into a mudslide of information and pretty soon the other person has been derailed and is frustrated.

I'm sure many arguments have been started simply because of these two personality/communication issues. Its not like I mean to be a brick wall and refuse an incoming wealth of information. I know that my Bulldozer doesn't mean to overlook what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm sure if we were to admit it though, we both walk away from nights like this feeling frustrated. When he gets the brick wall, I see him get frustrated. When I get bulldozed, I feel frustrated.

I think we both have a lot to learn. I know there are times when I need to set aside myself and what I've decided to accomplish and listen. I also think there are times when my Bulldozer needs to turn off the engine and set aside what he's decided needs to be said. Obviously, there are times when a truly pressing issue is at hand, and it would be ideal if we could both come to place where the bulldozer is off, the brick wall is down, and we can take honest, open turns sharing with one another. This post has way more to do with the average, every day conversation that makes life interesting...and occasionally boring too. (I mean, commodity stock in bison, really?)

I do have to note that at one point my Bulldozer made a valiant attempt at letting me get down to business. He put in his headphones, turned on NPR (yep, that's how he found out about commodity stock in bison....), and I didn't hear a word from him for probably 10 minutes, but the sound of him munching on his chips while he did his thing drove me so up the wall I decided to go to bed. He was chewing with his mouth closed, minding his own business and I just really needed more silence than that. These are the joys of sharing a home with someone that sometimes are much less joyful that I care to admit. Learning to share space, time, conversation, comfort, and everything else that comes with a home is a very difficult task, no matter how great you (or the the other person) are!

What is your communication misstep? Do you bulldoze? Brick wall? Or something else? How can you put yourself aside to ease the situation and improve the communication? How do you respond when your frustrated by someone else's communication misstep?

Good times!

Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!

I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.

He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.

I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.

I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.

I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).

So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.

I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.

As today fades....

Sweetly Broken Video

Jay

MySpace Video
 
So I'm headed for the big D and don't mean Dallas. Cheesy, I know. I heard that song a few weeks back and it made my stomach hurt. I suppose I'm coping with it alright. I keep hearing Stacy point out that I filed for the thing. Course, I'm equally quick to point out that he walked out, and moved in with his now girlfriend. He was "sleeping on her couch" before I filed for divorce. I suppose that's the way it goes right? It's a horrible case of blame-shifting. Careful, I'll tell on you at group if you don't stop blame shifting...that used to be such a funny joke. Now, I just shake my head and sigh. I'm a bit wound up tonight, court is in the morning. I'm sitting here writing this, and I'm so tense and stressed that I think I could stay up all night. I want to start cleaning and crocheting and continue writing. I think I'm going to go to http://www.pandora.com/ and turn on my "David Crowder Station" and try to mellow out a little.
 
Okay, music on. The video I embedded was pointed out by a friend and fellow blogger. Excellent song and video. I'm trying to remember tonight that Christ takes me as I am. I'm thankful for the forgiveness extended to me, and I'm praying for God to reveal what exactly forgiveness looks like toward Stacy, from me, right now. Stacy told me Friday to just go, and not delay it. I was asking him to kick out his girlfriend and work on things with me, and he didn't want to kick her out. So, I was left wondering what's so wrong with me. I finally quit letting the question eat at me as of today. I'm a sinner, saved by grace, and that grace is enough. God is in control, and Jesus is enough. Period. That will be my simple truth, everytime I feel weak.
 
On a completely off track side note, Asher was so funny tonight! He was talking to Isaiah and he said "I love you Isa...I mean SUPERMAN!" and he grinned, a big, goofy, Asher grin, and said to Isaiah, "You are awesome." I swear, you can't buy entertainment, or LOVE like that. The boys rubbed each others back tonight in the bath, and both said "I hope you feel better." Aww! I love the moments when they reach out to each other and are simply thoughtful and loving.
 
Asher did significantly better listening to me today! We've been reading a devotional at bedtime, and praying. Plus, I have really been working on not just yelling and flying off the handle. I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be intentional, and when I calm down, the boys respond better.
 
I found Chase a great home. Or rather, a great home for Chase found me. She has a pink collar, a new bed, is inside, and has two kids to play with! I think she's found a beautiful family to be a part of and while I will miss her, I know that it was best. I'm also feeling a bit more compassionate toward Oliver. Hopefully we can get a schedule worked out and he will get used to going potty while on the leash.
 
Well, I'm going to take him out for a while, then I'm going to sleep as best I can - tomorrow is going to be a long day. Goodnight friends!