Bulldozers

This is kind of like part 2 - or a follow up to this post: http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/ive-never-liked-red-brick-can-i-be.html

So I may be a brick wall, a conversation stopper, and hard to talk to at times, but I realized tonight that I live with a Bulldozer. (Or maybe a wrecking ball, but that sounds a little harsh.) You know, the personality type that once they get started, they don't stop? I'm not even sure that me listening is a requirement for the conversation. Okay, I withdraw that statement, because my Bulldozer gets very offended if I'm not listening.

Now, I realize that this is going to sound a little selfish, but I had plans tonight. Not big party plans, but they were plans, nonetheless. I am working on a project, and I was going to put some time in on it. Plus I have about 4 blog titles and outlines started, and I was thinking I might work on one of them. I had stuff I wanted to be doing. Now, we are called to live outside of ourselves, and to live selflessly, and I am trying to learn how to do this in the way that God calls me to. I am also realizing that balance is not the key to everything, and that I need to seek God first. I also have dreams, goals and aspirations that I want to accomplish. I'm not sure how to fit all of that in, and I'm sure I could stand to spend more time praying and less time trying to fix it myself.

Tonight I had much I wanted to accomplish, but the Bulldozer was on a mission. My best attempt at brick-walling wasn't enough. I got the grand pleasure of hearing about commodity stock in bison (note the sarcasm? I mean, I'm sure it's a fascinating topic if you're into commodity stock. Or bison.) and I know everything of significance that happened in The Green Mile - the book and movie - and I didn't even know it was a book. I'll never have to read that one. Or watch the movie. Thank you. I can honestly say that it sounds like one that I would have enjoyed - but that's alright. I also know all about I am Legend and the differences between the book and the movie. Not too big of deal and not too interesting - I never watched that movie on purpose, and again, I didn't know it was a book.

Then there was the part that almost turned into a dialogue (as opposed to the mostly monologue previous part of the conversation) and it was a disagreement. Nothing heated or rude, just two people, with two vastly differing opinions on what we would do/how we would live if we ever were blessed with a large sum of money. This was a bit hard for me, because I have huge dreams for what I would do with a large sum of money, and none of them really lined up with what the Bulldozer would do with a large sum of money. Ah well, that's how it goes, right?

As I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering how many other people face these same communication issues. How many of you are a brick wall, like me, and are generally masters at shutting down a conversation before it ever gets started, because you just don't feel like dealing with it? Not to say there's never a good reason, but I'm guessing there are a lot more excuses than reasons. (You know what an excuse is, right? An excuse is a lie that only you believe.) And how often do the people in our life feel crushed by the inability to complete a thought and share a dream or goal or interest with us because we won't listen?

On the flip side, how many of you are bulldozers? And how often is it that you plow right through the other persons goal, dream, or interest, because you have something that just must be said? (I mean, commodity stock in bison is a pressing issue, right?) You get all fired up by something and you can see that the person you are trying to share with is trying to work on something, but you're just going to share this one thought and you'll let them be, but that one thought turns into a mudslide of information and pretty soon the other person has been derailed and is frustrated.

I'm sure many arguments have been started simply because of these two personality/communication issues. Its not like I mean to be a brick wall and refuse an incoming wealth of information. I know that my Bulldozer doesn't mean to overlook what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm sure if we were to admit it though, we both walk away from nights like this feeling frustrated. When he gets the brick wall, I see him get frustrated. When I get bulldozed, I feel frustrated.

I think we both have a lot to learn. I know there are times when I need to set aside myself and what I've decided to accomplish and listen. I also think there are times when my Bulldozer needs to turn off the engine and set aside what he's decided needs to be said. Obviously, there are times when a truly pressing issue is at hand, and it would be ideal if we could both come to place where the bulldozer is off, the brick wall is down, and we can take honest, open turns sharing with one another. This post has way more to do with the average, every day conversation that makes life interesting...and occasionally boring too. (I mean, commodity stock in bison, really?)

I do have to note that at one point my Bulldozer made a valiant attempt at letting me get down to business. He put in his headphones, turned on NPR (yep, that's how he found out about commodity stock in bison....), and I didn't hear a word from him for probably 10 minutes, but the sound of him munching on his chips while he did his thing drove me so up the wall I decided to go to bed. He was chewing with his mouth closed, minding his own business and I just really needed more silence than that. These are the joys of sharing a home with someone that sometimes are much less joyful that I care to admit. Learning to share space, time, conversation, comfort, and everything else that comes with a home is a very difficult task, no matter how great you (or the the other person) are!

What is your communication misstep? Do you bulldoze? Brick wall? Or something else? How can you put yourself aside to ease the situation and improve the communication? How do you respond when your frustrated by someone else's communication misstep?

Another day of traveling!

Unfortunately real life is calling us back, and we are packing to leave as I write this. Well, technically as I write this, I'm writing this and he is packing...but when I finish writing, I'll help too!

It's 9am in Colorado, 10am in Oklahoma, and we should be leaving in about two hours - around 11am Colorado time. We should make it home about 2am Oklahoma time, and hopefully the boys will be willing to sleep longer. I'm going to try to be good and sleep on the trip so when we get home I can rest a bit, but get up with all the kiddos in the morning. Hopefully baby daddy can get some sleep too.

It's been a wonderful Christmas. My brother came out again yesterday, and we had way too much food - and all of it was way too good! I got to meet one of my Mom's friends from church and she is a dear, sweet lady. Definitely a blessing to meet her!

I am enjoying our view of the mountains, and the mild weather. It's not been terribly cold this weekend, which always makes me happy. I've looked at some rental ads, been asking about churches, talked to my parents about boarding my horse, and now it's time for a waiting game. We have to see how things go in January, financially speaking, and try to complete a plan to move - once we have a plan, and a reasonable way to execute it, I think we may really move back this time.
I need roots though - so if we move it has to be permanent, I do NOT like the thought of moving around, at all. I have never liked moving around, and it seems like we've moved around a lot. Moving definitely frustrates me. That's part of why I am still in my apartment, I thought about moving when my lease was up, but I don't want to move.

Well, it's time for me to start packing again, and the computer needs to get tucked away to go home with me!

Until tomorrow, hopefully!

Whew, it's been a while...

So, my finger tips have been burning, and I have a million things on my mind. Yet, I haven't been writing. I am not sure that the things I have to write about are appropriate for a blog. I like writing when I know no one is reading, but with a blog, that's just not the case. This is the stuff for people to read - and wouldn't you know it, I'd actually like to write stuff that someday, people enjoy reading.

Some part of me would really like to be a published author. I've started probably about 10 books in the last 4-5 years. I'm trying to decide if I'm failing at writing a whole book, or if it's just a really long process? I'm not sure which. In fact, upon browsing this computer this evening I've discovered only one of my starts is here. I have one on the desktop, as well. Both were intended to be masterpiece material, but I get bored
trying to figure out how to break a book into chapters and scenes and, let's face it, I'm no professional.

So here sits I, blogging on this Monday night. I still have one son awake, in fact he is now....thirsty! I only put him in bed an hour and a half ago. His older brother? Out! However, the little one seems to think sleeping is for anyone other than himself and he avoids it all cost and tantrum.

I'm going to start selling Pampered Chef, in all of this wonderful spare time I don't have. I'm going to talk to a student advisor about nursing, and I keep considering a change in job. You know what I'm realizing about myself? I want to be something, or someone great. I lost a huge part of my identity when I had to go to work and wasn't married anymore. I was something great, I was a wife and a stay at home mom. I was raising two kids, and tackling every day messes. Somehow, working, and sending them to school & daycare left me feeling void. I'm no longer something great. I have a stressful, pointless job. I see my kids for something like 34 hours a week, not including when they are sleeping. And that's only if they aren't with their dad on the weekend. When he takes them...I get like 10-15 hours a week. I no longer feel like a great mom, I'm not a wife, not even a girlfriend. I'm no longer a great volunteer (in fact, I haven't volunteered in months).

I bought myself a horse, and decided I was going to do great things with her. Yeah. I see her once a month-ish. Great. I was going to get in great shape and loose a bunch of weight. Nope. Hasn't happened.

Am I the only one that longs to do something great? What do you want to do that is great? I can't decide if I'm spread to thin to do anything great, or if I just haven't found what I'm supposed to do great at.

Well, that's all for this lonely September post...good night!

Defining Failure

As I'm mid way through another long week, I'm beginning to wonder how to define failure. Should it be defined by the things my kids are not exceling at? Work performance? Home life? A failed marriage? I'm thinking that as it stands, I don't measure up right now. I'm looking around and my kids are struggling, we get so little time at home that the couple hours in the evening just whiz by like they aren't really there, and most of you know by now that I am divorced. Work performance is going alright, I've taken on several roles and I'm maintaining for the time being. I suppose I'm paying my bills and buying groceries. Which is no small feat in this economy, but it just doesn't seem like success compared to all of the things going wrong. I'm trying my best, but that doesn't seem like enough. I keep praying for God's help, but I'm not any good at waiting, I need things to be resolved yesterday, and it's just not happening that way. I know God's timing is perfect and all, but it seems like my little boat is about to capsize in this storm....I suppose God's just stretching me. I suppose the good days where it looked like things were leveling out were just a chance to recooperate before another trying time. I'm no closer to figuring out how to define failure or success, and I don't have any more answers about how things will work out. I do know that God is looking out for us, and I think I'm a little more prepared to wait on the Lord after writing this.

The sparkle...

So, the thoughts that I forgot to include in the last blog are something like this:

I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.

Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?

Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."

I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.

As today fades....

Sweetly Broken Video

Jay

MySpace Video
 
So I'm headed for the big D and don't mean Dallas. Cheesy, I know. I heard that song a few weeks back and it made my stomach hurt. I suppose I'm coping with it alright. I keep hearing Stacy point out that I filed for the thing. Course, I'm equally quick to point out that he walked out, and moved in with his now girlfriend. He was "sleeping on her couch" before I filed for divorce. I suppose that's the way it goes right? It's a horrible case of blame-shifting. Careful, I'll tell on you at group if you don't stop blame shifting...that used to be such a funny joke. Now, I just shake my head and sigh. I'm a bit wound up tonight, court is in the morning. I'm sitting here writing this, and I'm so tense and stressed that I think I could stay up all night. I want to start cleaning and crocheting and continue writing. I think I'm going to go to http://www.pandora.com/ and turn on my "David Crowder Station" and try to mellow out a little.
 
Okay, music on. The video I embedded was pointed out by a friend and fellow blogger. Excellent song and video. I'm trying to remember tonight that Christ takes me as I am. I'm thankful for the forgiveness extended to me, and I'm praying for God to reveal what exactly forgiveness looks like toward Stacy, from me, right now. Stacy told me Friday to just go, and not delay it. I was asking him to kick out his girlfriend and work on things with me, and he didn't want to kick her out. So, I was left wondering what's so wrong with me. I finally quit letting the question eat at me as of today. I'm a sinner, saved by grace, and that grace is enough. God is in control, and Jesus is enough. Period. That will be my simple truth, everytime I feel weak.
 
On a completely off track side note, Asher was so funny tonight! He was talking to Isaiah and he said "I love you Isa...I mean SUPERMAN!" and he grinned, a big, goofy, Asher grin, and said to Isaiah, "You are awesome." I swear, you can't buy entertainment, or LOVE like that. The boys rubbed each others back tonight in the bath, and both said "I hope you feel better." Aww! I love the moments when they reach out to each other and are simply thoughtful and loving.
 
Asher did significantly better listening to me today! We've been reading a devotional at bedtime, and praying. Plus, I have really been working on not just yelling and flying off the handle. I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be intentional, and when I calm down, the boys respond better.
 
I found Chase a great home. Or rather, a great home for Chase found me. She has a pink collar, a new bed, is inside, and has two kids to play with! I think she's found a beautiful family to be a part of and while I will miss her, I know that it was best. I'm also feeling a bit more compassionate toward Oliver. Hopefully we can get a schedule worked out and he will get used to going potty while on the leash.
 
Well, I'm going to take him out for a while, then I'm going to sleep as best I can - tomorrow is going to be a long day. Goodnight friends!