Influence, Impact, Effect

We all have it, whether we are aware of it or not. We all influence people around us. We have a direct impact on their lives, We have a profound and deep effect them. Let me challenge you to become intentionally aware of the influence you have, and do not doubt how far reaching that may be.

I've had several reasons to begin thinking about this. The first started with my recent stay in the hospital. People were impacted by me being ill than I had ever considered. The number of people concerned about me, praying for me, hoping for my recovery, astounded me. I have come to realize I am a social person, and I love to talk to people, but I didn't realize how many people truly took notice of, and cared about me.

A heartfelt thank you goes out to all of you. I thank God for you, for your prayers, your love, your notice, attention, and support. You are a blessing to me!

The next big reason I've been thinking about my "circle" of influence is because we are considering moving. I've made a comfortable life here, I love the culture here, and I have many reservations about leaving. I have people that come to my mind immediately that I would miss deeply. I also then have people that I don't encounter frequently, but when I do, I am always blessed. One such lady, a woman who works at the local library, is so dear. She has always been so kind, and helpful. I always look forward to seeing her when I'm at the library. I love to visit with her. Every day I'm presented with a new consideration for people that I will miss, and I truly believe the scope of it won't fully hit me until I've been gone for a few weeks.

This also got me thinking about how God wants to use me to minister to others. I wonder, how many times has someone been watching me, without me even realizing it, and did I shine for the glory of God? Did God receive praise because of me, or did I further some one's doubts or insecurities. Oh Lord, please put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! I don't want to plant doubt, or grow insecurity. I want to shine Your light so bright that You would receive all the glory, honor, and praise forevermore. I want to reflect the love of Christ in my words and actions.

I challenge you, as we are all working on growing and making changes for the New Year, examine your heart. Recognize that your influence reaches beyond yourself and what you realize, and please turn on your light, shine for Christ, you never know who is watching!

Good times!

Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!

I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.

He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.

I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.

I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.

I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).

So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.

I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.

The weight of it all...

I woke up this morning, and thought, "It's been almost 24hrs, where's the relief?" My heart is still heavy, and the weight on my shoulders is wearing me out. I truly believe it was inevitable, getting the divorce, that is. He's moved happily along, and found someone to love and be loved by, and it seems as though I stood no chance. Well, it's been 24hrs since court, and I'm thinking that's a place I never want to be again. It was awful. There's is a bit of closure in the sense that now it's really done, and I can move forward from here.
I'm trying to remember to look to God and look forward, not behind.
We talked about parenting by influence as our kids get older, instead of by size and position. I've been thinking about this so much. I want to be more intentional about my relationship with the boys, I need to find something to do with them in the evenings, every evening possible, to just spend time engaging. I think tonight I'm going to color with them and try to engage in a conversation about what we all did today. I'm going to talk to them more about my days at work, in hopes of hearing more about their days at school.
I miss them so much, it makes me sick. I feel like I don't get enough time with them. Hopefully I can turn the time I have into something quality since I don't have quantity....