Good times!

Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!

I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.

He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.

I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.

I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.

I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).

So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.

I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has got to be the hardest thing to give anyway. God's been softening my heart and really showing me how bad I really am at it. I thought I ranked moderately high on the forgiveness scale, until recently. As much of a struggle as it's been, I've made it entirely my own struggle. Somehow I decided that I had to the do the forgiving alone, to sort of earn my own forgiveness. Odd, seeing that I truly believe I am saved by grace through faith. I've been living outside of the love of God, and defintiely outside of the power of God. As I yield my heart to Him, I'm seeing miraculous miracles in my innermost being. I've stopped praying for change, and starting praying for transformation. I am so grateful for all that God is, and all that He does. As I am opening my life to His grace, it flows through me, giving me a clarity that I didn't have before, and a strength that is not my own. As I forgive, I'm finding myself with less to say, and more peace to hold my tongue. I'm willing to let other people interact with me more personally, and I'm slowly watching as God pushes the grip of fear out of my heart.

I just read "The Shack" by WM Young and all I can say is WOW. It challenged my view of God, and opened my eyes to things I hadn't considered. Now, I know the Bible is truth and our guide and that we should rely on the Word to shape our beliefs and our faith. I just think this book offered a beautiful perspective of the Trinity and is worth the time spent reading it! :)

Well, I'll probably write more on forgiveness, as I define what forgiveness means, and as God stretches me in this area. I'm so thankful for the hand of God on my life....