We are home, and I'm already thinking about 2011. Christmas was fantastic, our trip was wonderful, and I loved seeing my family. I enjoyed my Mom's company, I got to play with my nephew, hang out with my niece, my sister is so lovely, my dad was ornery, and my brother was with us for the first time in years. Not to mention I got to enjoy watching my boys interact with all of them, and their Dad was along with us - which proved most helpful for babysitting and driving! (He was also good company - but I didn't just admit that!)
Health wise, I am struggling. I am not moving around very well, I'm in pain (mostly joint pain), and I am definitely not breathing well. I'm sure the strange weather doesn't help my asthma any, but I'm also certain that the weight I've gained is worse. I weighed myself before we left and was HORRIFIED. I weighed myself tonight... 208.6lbs - I only ever weighed this much one other time, and I was pregnant. Certainly not healthy then, but even worse now. I spent 28 minutes on my Wii Fit - yoga & strength training. I'm going to try to do SOMETHING everyday -whether it's the Wii Fit, the Kinect Dance Central, the Wii Active, or walking, or my exercise ball DVD's, or my walk at home DVD's...any of the above, as long as I get in some form of movement everyday...for close to or more than 30 minutes.
I'm trying to decide if I'm going to dedicate my Monday posts to updating you about my weight loss progress as well as any changes in my eating habits that I make, or if I'm going to start a new blog dedicated to just this journey. A new blog would give me space for lots of recipes, and daily updates about what I'm eating and what exercise I did. Comments?
As for the early resolution: I plan on loosing this excess weight. I should weigh about 145lbs - so I need to loose 63lbs. So long as I loose 1.5lbs EVERY week I will reach my goal weight the end of October 2011. So, 10 months of dedication to loose the weight, and a lifetime of good choices to keep it off. Who's with me?
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Good times!
Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!
I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.
He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.
I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.
I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.
I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).
So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.
I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.
I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.
He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.
I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.
I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.
I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).
So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.
I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The orchestration of it all...
I'm baffled this morning, as I sit at work, thinking about the last two days of my life. As some of you may know, I attended church twice, once at Summit, once at Journey, on Sunday. I was deeply moved by both messages, and grateful for them. I quit mistreating my kids because Clark preached about not mistreating our kids. I will strive to be intentional about bringing them up, instead of just surviving their childhood.
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!
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