A little peek....

Here's a little peek into my recent struggles and some things I identified while driving home last night.

First off, while I don't wear my sins on my sleeve when I'm writing this blog, they are there. And I am quite adamant and convinced that I had just as much to do with the dissolution of my marriage. And that sucks. I hate it. Everyday. I didn't think the things I was doing would warrant my ex leaving me. I didn't think he'd walk out on me for it. I didn't think I'd end up a single mom, working full time, because of it. But I did. And if I had known those things would occur, I would like to think I wouldn't have been doing what I was doing, but I honestly don't know, because I didn't know.

Secondly, I like to do things myself. I like to see success and achieve goals, and while I can work with a team, I also like a lot of my "own" success. And giving those successes to God, and asking God for them, has been a huge challenge in my Christian walk...I'm learning, but it's been a slow process!

So, I'm driving home last night, contemplating my life, my ever intensifying schedule, and trying to process some things. I've been adding activities, and people, and friend dates to my life like crazy, and you know what I realized? I want to be accepted. And I'm pushing my limits, all of them I think, trying to gain acceptance. I just want to be loved, I want to know that no one else is going to walk out on me again. I want to know that I can trust people and be trusted. I don't want to feel alone. God has shown me that I am not alone, and has stilled the need/desire to go "man-hunting" for me. I am content to wait on His plan for me as far as a man-woman relationship goes. I am not, however, letting Him lead me in my daily activities.

I want to be everything, do everything and achieve everything, for everyone. I want to be so perfect that no one will get rid of me. I don't want to suffer that deep rejection that changed my life. I'm afraid to not fit in. Yet, I don't want to be fake. I don't want to give "face" answers - I want to answer from the heart the questions that are asked of me. I want people to really know me.

You know what God said last night? "You are loved, and wanted. I will never leave you, or forsake you. I sent my Son for you." And I'm resting today in the fact and truth that God bought me, at a price I couldn't fathom paying for anyone (especially when I'm thinking of my sons....) and I am His. I am His.

So, let this be a reminder to you, as well. You are loved, and wanted. God will never leave you, or forsake you. He sent His Son for you. You are His. Rest in that, take comfort, and let God strengthen you and hold you.