Me, a Morning Person?

Could it be? I certainly never thought so, yet I’m writing this post at 3:30 in the morning, I’ve been awake for two hours, I’m not regretting it…yet. My house is quiet, my fingers are tapping away at the keyboard, and I’m getting the “me” time that every Mom I know craves.

My trick? Well, for starters, I went to bed at 9pm last night. I’ve been trying to get up at 5am – which is very early for me. In my efforts, I’ve been pushing my midnight bedtime back a little every night. 9pm is the magic hour. I fell asleep within ten minutes, slept like a rock until 1:30am, then I sprang up out of bed, ready to go! I switched some laundry, brewed some coffee, got a cup of water, and here I sit.

I did, unfortunately, wake up the snoozer – which was not my attention. My advice, from personal experience: Skip the laundry at this hour. Just get your coffee, use the bathroom, wash your face, and retreat to your personal space. I spent half an hour of my “me” time apologizing for my blunder. Not that I had to. I just felt really, really badly.

So badly, in fact, that while I desperately want to put the clothes that just finished washing into the dryer, I won’t. Not until daylight gleams through the windows and the people in this house expect to wake up.

Are you a morning person or a night owl? What does your “me” time look like?

A little peek....

Here's a little peek into my recent struggles and some things I identified while driving home last night.

First off, while I don't wear my sins on my sleeve when I'm writing this blog, they are there. And I am quite adamant and convinced that I had just as much to do with the dissolution of my marriage. And that sucks. I hate it. Everyday. I didn't think the things I was doing would warrant my ex leaving me. I didn't think he'd walk out on me for it. I didn't think I'd end up a single mom, working full time, because of it. But I did. And if I had known those things would occur, I would like to think I wouldn't have been doing what I was doing, but I honestly don't know, because I didn't know.

Secondly, I like to do things myself. I like to see success and achieve goals, and while I can work with a team, I also like a lot of my "own" success. And giving those successes to God, and asking God for them, has been a huge challenge in my Christian walk...I'm learning, but it's been a slow process!

So, I'm driving home last night, contemplating my life, my ever intensifying schedule, and trying to process some things. I've been adding activities, and people, and friend dates to my life like crazy, and you know what I realized? I want to be accepted. And I'm pushing my limits, all of them I think, trying to gain acceptance. I just want to be loved, I want to know that no one else is going to walk out on me again. I want to know that I can trust people and be trusted. I don't want to feel alone. God has shown me that I am not alone, and has stilled the need/desire to go "man-hunting" for me. I am content to wait on His plan for me as far as a man-woman relationship goes. I am not, however, letting Him lead me in my daily activities.

I want to be everything, do everything and achieve everything, for everyone. I want to be so perfect that no one will get rid of me. I don't want to suffer that deep rejection that changed my life. I'm afraid to not fit in. Yet, I don't want to be fake. I don't want to give "face" answers - I want to answer from the heart the questions that are asked of me. I want people to really know me.

You know what God said last night? "You are loved, and wanted. I will never leave you, or forsake you. I sent my Son for you." And I'm resting today in the fact and truth that God bought me, at a price I couldn't fathom paying for anyone (especially when I'm thinking of my sons....) and I am His. I am His.

So, let this be a reminder to you, as well. You are loved, and wanted. God will never leave you, or forsake you. He sent His Son for you. You are His. Rest in that, take comfort, and let God strengthen you and hold you.

The weight of it all...

I woke up this morning, and thought, "It's been almost 24hrs, where's the relief?" My heart is still heavy, and the weight on my shoulders is wearing me out. I truly believe it was inevitable, getting the divorce, that is. He's moved happily along, and found someone to love and be loved by, and it seems as though I stood no chance. Well, it's been 24hrs since court, and I'm thinking that's a place I never want to be again. It was awful. There's is a bit of closure in the sense that now it's really done, and I can move forward from here.
I'm trying to remember to look to God and look forward, not behind.
We talked about parenting by influence as our kids get older, instead of by size and position. I've been thinking about this so much. I want to be more intentional about my relationship with the boys, I need to find something to do with them in the evenings, every evening possible, to just spend time engaging. I think tonight I'm going to color with them and try to engage in a conversation about what we all did today. I'm going to talk to them more about my days at work, in hopes of hearing more about their days at school.
I miss them so much, it makes me sick. I feel like I don't get enough time with them. Hopefully I can turn the time I have into something quality since I don't have quantity....