Who knew a radio would make such a difference? I used to play K-Love or Air-1 for the boys, sometimes the Bible on cd. Whatever I played, my goal was to keep it Christian themed. Then somewhere along the way I stopped. I don't really know why, I just did. I guess I got tired of the boys playing with the CD's, or the settings, or the volume.
Well, two nights ago Stacy turned on the radio on their alarm clock, and the boys have really loved it. I turned it on for nap time today, and I didn't even have to scold them once for talking or playing.
What simple things make your bed time/nap time routines easier? How did you discover them?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Not by my own strength
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/2011/01/the-desperate-cry-of-a-mama/
I read this post and was inspired to share it, along with my own heart and thoughts.
I've been blogging a little bit about parenting, with my post on Raising Boys (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/raising-boys.html), Spelling words & creating structure (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/spelling-words-creating-structure.html), & Leading by Example (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/leading-by-example.html).
I've noticed that the central theme in these blogs is about what we can do as parents, it's about action, and it's maybe a little bit too much about relying on our own understanding. Believe me when I say that parenting is impossible without God. I believe we must seek our Father in heaven, in prayer, by reading scripture, and by seeking advice from people who have gone before us on this journey, who have prayed for their kids for longer than we've had our own.
These children that I am blessed to have in my home and to know are not my own. These are God's children, and I hope and pray that I lead them to submit to Him with their whole hearts, their whole lives. I want to do right by them. I want to do a good job as a Mom. I want to have what it takes. But on my own, by myself, I do not. These little blessings are the Father's, and He shared them so graciously with me. Now I must take the responsibility back to the throne, and seek God's will for my role in their life, and His will for their lives.
As I read Brooke's words about praying not because I can, but because I can't, I cried. She is so right. While there are so many things I want to get right as I raise my boys, I can't. Prayer makes a difference, prayer can change the outcome. A lack of prayer makes a difference, and can change the outcome.
I pray that God will help me fight for my children spiritually and through prayer, with as much diligence and strength as I fight for their attention and education. I don't want them to miss Him because I neglected to pray. I don't want them to succumb to temptation because I forgot to pray. I don't want them to go out into the world without praying because I forgot to show them how to pray.
As I am learning how to raise Godly men, I am realizing that my first priority is to pray for them. Yet, the call to prayer doesn't stop there. I need to pray for me. I need to pray for their Dad. I need to pray for their youth leaders. I need to pray for their coaches, and group leaders, and their Sunday School teachers. I need to pray for them to be receptive. I need to pray for the lessons they are learning to take root and shape them into the men that God wants them to be.
We are all called to pray without ceasing, and prayer is our chance, our opportunity to connect with a God so big He spoke the world into existence – that same God is waiting to speak to you.
What is your prayer for your children? Are your children growing up or grown? How have your prayers changed as your children have changed?
I read this post and was inspired to share it, along with my own heart and thoughts.
I've been blogging a little bit about parenting, with my post on Raising Boys (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/raising-boys.html), Spelling words & creating structure (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/spelling-words-creating-structure.html), & Leading by Example (http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/leading-by-example.html).
I've noticed that the central theme in these blogs is about what we can do as parents, it's about action, and it's maybe a little bit too much about relying on our own understanding. Believe me when I say that parenting is impossible without God. I believe we must seek our Father in heaven, in prayer, by reading scripture, and by seeking advice from people who have gone before us on this journey, who have prayed for their kids for longer than we've had our own.
These children that I am blessed to have in my home and to know are not my own. These are God's children, and I hope and pray that I lead them to submit to Him with their whole hearts, their whole lives. I want to do right by them. I want to do a good job as a Mom. I want to have what it takes. But on my own, by myself, I do not. These little blessings are the Father's, and He shared them so graciously with me. Now I must take the responsibility back to the throne, and seek God's will for my role in their life, and His will for their lives.
As I read Brooke's words about praying not because I can, but because I can't, I cried. She is so right. While there are so many things I want to get right as I raise my boys, I can't. Prayer makes a difference, prayer can change the outcome. A lack of prayer makes a difference, and can change the outcome.
I pray that God will help me fight for my children spiritually and through prayer, with as much diligence and strength as I fight for their attention and education. I don't want them to miss Him because I neglected to pray. I don't want them to succumb to temptation because I forgot to pray. I don't want them to go out into the world without praying because I forgot to show them how to pray.
As I am learning how to raise Godly men, I am realizing that my first priority is to pray for them. Yet, the call to prayer doesn't stop there. I need to pray for me. I need to pray for their Dad. I need to pray for their youth leaders. I need to pray for their coaches, and group leaders, and their Sunday School teachers. I need to pray for them to be receptive. I need to pray for the lessons they are learning to take root and shape them into the men that God wants them to be.
We are all called to pray without ceasing, and prayer is our chance, our opportunity to connect with a God so big He spoke the world into existence – that same God is waiting to speak to you.
What is your prayer for your children? Are your children growing up or grown? How have your prayers changed as your children have changed?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Leading by Example
This post was inspired by a long conversation with my Mom about her growing up, me growing up, and now me raising children. We enjoy talking about the improvements we've made from what our Mom's did, and our own shortcomings, and frustrations, and those moments when we realize....we are a whole lot like our Mom's....I love my Momma – she is one amazing woman of God and I hope that I'm half the woman she is!
Are we teaching our children to lie? That's a thought provoking question, and I imagine most of us would say, NO WAY. Let's examine a scenario:
The phone rings, and your child answers. You're listening and have decided, for whatever reason (telemarketer, sister you're mad at, boss you don't want to talk to?), that you don't want to take the call, so you shake your head, indicating to your child to tell the caller you are not home/available. Clearly your child can see that you are in fact there, and could take the call.
How about this one:
You get invited to do something totally awesome, on a work day/school day (or any other prior obligation) – and with your child present you call in “sick”.
What about when we are driving? Do we ask our children to watch for police cars? They will notice that when they point one out, you slow down. Do you use your blinker? Come to a complete stop? Obey the speed limit? Your children are paying attention, and they are learning from you how to get away with breaking the rules.
Kids learn by example – in all areas of life. Are your children having a hard time respecting authority? Then examine your own heart, do you respect authority? Do your children lie? Look at yourself, when do you find yourself telling “harmless” lies? Lies are lies – especially to children. How about around the house? Children will commonly keep “their” space as well kept as their parents keep their personal space. In talking with other parents, even if the children don't automatically clean up, they are more apt to clean up when asked if the space the adults are responsible for is cleaned up.
I am convinced that for children to change, the parents must first change. Children are miniature reflections of ourselves, and it is extremely easy to see the worst behaviors we exhibit, in them. It's just as easy to separate those behaviors as something our children are doing and miss our own faults.
As I am writing tonight, I am thinking about my daily habits, examining the way I live my life, and asking what kind of example I am setting. I have fairly young children – 4 years old and 3 years old – and I want to make sure that I'm a living example of how I want them to live.
Do I treat the people around me with respect? Do I say please and thank you? Do I do the dishes when the sink is half full or when it is all the way full, and covering the majority of the counter? Do I pick up my dirty laundry? Do I speak respectfully to authority figures in my life? Do I obey the rules all of the time, or just when someone is watching? God is watching, all of the time. If I face life with that truth in mind, and obey the rules all the time, then I can help fully convey that message to my children. Words without action are empty, and lets face it, children have a hard enough time listening. If my words differ from my actions, they will act upon my actions, and my words will be wasted.
In what areas do you break the rules when nobody is looking? What example have you set that you are most focused on? What can you change about your daily life that will encourage your children to make positive changes in themselves?
Are we teaching our children to lie? That's a thought provoking question, and I imagine most of us would say, NO WAY. Let's examine a scenario:
The phone rings, and your child answers. You're listening and have decided, for whatever reason (telemarketer, sister you're mad at, boss you don't want to talk to?), that you don't want to take the call, so you shake your head, indicating to your child to tell the caller you are not home/available. Clearly your child can see that you are in fact there, and could take the call.
How about this one:
You get invited to do something totally awesome, on a work day/school day (or any other prior obligation) – and with your child present you call in “sick”.
What about when we are driving? Do we ask our children to watch for police cars? They will notice that when they point one out, you slow down. Do you use your blinker? Come to a complete stop? Obey the speed limit? Your children are paying attention, and they are learning from you how to get away with breaking the rules.
Kids learn by example – in all areas of life. Are your children having a hard time respecting authority? Then examine your own heart, do you respect authority? Do your children lie? Look at yourself, when do you find yourself telling “harmless” lies? Lies are lies – especially to children. How about around the house? Children will commonly keep “their” space as well kept as their parents keep their personal space. In talking with other parents, even if the children don't automatically clean up, they are more apt to clean up when asked if the space the adults are responsible for is cleaned up.
I am convinced that for children to change, the parents must first change. Children are miniature reflections of ourselves, and it is extremely easy to see the worst behaviors we exhibit, in them. It's just as easy to separate those behaviors as something our children are doing and miss our own faults.
As I am writing tonight, I am thinking about my daily habits, examining the way I live my life, and asking what kind of example I am setting. I have fairly young children – 4 years old and 3 years old – and I want to make sure that I'm a living example of how I want them to live.
Do I treat the people around me with respect? Do I say please and thank you? Do I do the dishes when the sink is half full or when it is all the way full, and covering the majority of the counter? Do I pick up my dirty laundry? Do I speak respectfully to authority figures in my life? Do I obey the rules all of the time, or just when someone is watching? God is watching, all of the time. If I face life with that truth in mind, and obey the rules all the time, then I can help fully convey that message to my children. Words without action are empty, and lets face it, children have a hard enough time listening. If my words differ from my actions, they will act upon my actions, and my words will be wasted.
In what areas do you break the rules when nobody is looking? What example have you set that you are most focused on? What can you change about your daily life that will encourage your children to make positive changes in themselves?
Deafness by choice
God reminded me of a very profound truth recently, and as I've been growing closer to Him again, I've realized it was always me who pulled away, He was always there, waiting for me to return to Him...
When you make up your mind that there is something you won't do for God, it doesn't matter if that is or is not what He wants, you have already shut down, and shut Him out.
Guilty as charged. When my snoozer walked out the front door and up that hill, I made up in my mind what I was going to do, and I decided then and there that I would not let God talk to me about reconciliation. I became hard & stubborn - and I protected my wounds from my God, my Healer, my Wonderful Counselor. The only one that could truly administer healing to my hurting heart was waiting for me to come to Him, and I stomped my foot and told Him that reconciliation was not an option, and I then refused to receive anything from Him.
I know God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. I know God is not for divorce. I knew that I had contributed to the marital problems that drove us apart, so while I wanted to stand on the whole adultery "clause" for getting out of a marriage, somehow I didn't think I could. So I got out the brick & mortar and I built a very cold wall. With every brick I laid down, and every swipe of mortar across the top to add another, I kept telling God, "Don't tell me about reconciliation." You want to know the most dangerous part about this? Because I wouldn't hear a message about reconciliation in my marriage, I also couldn't hear a message about the reconciliation God offered us through Christ on the cross and raised from the dead.
I wanted to serve God, I wanted to be close to Him, I wanted His hand working in my life. I would see glimpses of it, and I longed for it. I felt empty. I tried to go to church, but even regular attendance to church dropped off because I would hear that repeated message of reconciliation and I would scream "NO!" at the top of my lungs. That man hurt me too bad for me to hear this from You. You know the wounds, but since You seem to poke at them, I'm going to withdraw further, and all along it was my mis-perception, my misunderstanding, my lack of trusting that God can do all things. That Christ is my strength. That God has healing, even for broken, sinful me.
Almost dying sure changed my perspective, and I realized that God didn't go anywhere...and God didn't build that brick wall (and what a sloppy, messy wall it was!). That was my doing, because I refused to hear God - I refused to hear God on something that I'm not sure He was saying at the time. I know God's heart is for reconciliation and restoration, and I know now that God doesn't expect me to chase after that in my own strength. Rest assured, I am not strong enough to live that out through all the hurts in my life. I do, however, serve a God that brings healing to the wounded and hope to the lost, and as He fills my cup, and as I press into Him, He shines through. His strength fills me, and even when I feel like I can't do it, He nudges me on, and holds me up.
Have you ever told God that there is something you won't do? Was He really asking you to do that, or was it something you decided you would never let Him ask you to do? How did you overcome that and where are you in your relationship with God now?
When you make up your mind that there is something you won't do for God, it doesn't matter if that is or is not what He wants, you have already shut down, and shut Him out.
Guilty as charged. When my snoozer walked out the front door and up that hill, I made up in my mind what I was going to do, and I decided then and there that I would not let God talk to me about reconciliation. I became hard & stubborn - and I protected my wounds from my God, my Healer, my Wonderful Counselor. The only one that could truly administer healing to my hurting heart was waiting for me to come to Him, and I stomped my foot and told Him that reconciliation was not an option, and I then refused to receive anything from Him.
I know God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. I know God is not for divorce. I knew that I had contributed to the marital problems that drove us apart, so while I wanted to stand on the whole adultery "clause" for getting out of a marriage, somehow I didn't think I could. So I got out the brick & mortar and I built a very cold wall. With every brick I laid down, and every swipe of mortar across the top to add another, I kept telling God, "Don't tell me about reconciliation." You want to know the most dangerous part about this? Because I wouldn't hear a message about reconciliation in my marriage, I also couldn't hear a message about the reconciliation God offered us through Christ on the cross and raised from the dead.
I wanted to serve God, I wanted to be close to Him, I wanted His hand working in my life. I would see glimpses of it, and I longed for it. I felt empty. I tried to go to church, but even regular attendance to church dropped off because I would hear that repeated message of reconciliation and I would scream "NO!" at the top of my lungs. That man hurt me too bad for me to hear this from You. You know the wounds, but since You seem to poke at them, I'm going to withdraw further, and all along it was my mis-perception, my misunderstanding, my lack of trusting that God can do all things. That Christ is my strength. That God has healing, even for broken, sinful me.
Almost dying sure changed my perspective, and I realized that God didn't go anywhere...and God didn't build that brick wall (and what a sloppy, messy wall it was!). That was my doing, because I refused to hear God - I refused to hear God on something that I'm not sure He was saying at the time. I know God's heart is for reconciliation and restoration, and I know now that God doesn't expect me to chase after that in my own strength. Rest assured, I am not strong enough to live that out through all the hurts in my life. I do, however, serve a God that brings healing to the wounded and hope to the lost, and as He fills my cup, and as I press into Him, He shines through. His strength fills me, and even when I feel like I can't do it, He nudges me on, and holds me up.
Have you ever told God that there is something you won't do? Was He really asking you to do that, or was it something you decided you would never let Him ask you to do? How did you overcome that and where are you in your relationship with God now?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friendship!
(I cannot take credit for all of these wonderful questions, Julie Richard spoke a beautiful message to us @ Journey church Monday night, and I am sharing some of the thought provoking points that really made me think!)
I got the great blessing of getting to go to "Girlfriends" at Journey Monday night, and am so thankful I went. Stacy kept the boys, and I got to spend some time with a few of my favorite people. The message was amazing, and I've been thinking about it today, really asking myself what kind of friend I am, and what kind of friends I have in my inner circle.
Julie told us that a herd of zebra are called a dazzle. She said that when one zebra is being chased or hunted it will run to it's dazzle, and the predator will become confused by all of the stripes and will leave them alone. Pretty fascinating.
She then used that point to talk about our closest group of girlfriends - and whether they help us dazzle or not. Here are some of the points/questions she used, and hopefully these will help you, too!
Are you a balcony friend, or a basement friend?
A balcony friend lifts up and encourages. A balcony friend is happy for you when something good happens in your life. A balcony friend prays for you, and knows that God has a dream for your life. A balcony friend encourages you to reach for that dream.
A basement friend wallows around in the wah-wah, is jealous or angry when something good happens in your life, and doesn't do much to help you reach for the dream God has for you.
(Oh boy...I don't want to wallow around in the wah-wah...I want to be a balcony friend!)
Are you a Labrador, or a vulture?
A Labrador is loyal, faithful, and quick to forgive.
A vulture is a betrayer, and offers no forgiveness. They pick at everything until there is nothing but bones left.
(Again, I'm thinking, Oh boy, do I pick at everything like that??)
Are you a fire-putter-outter...or a pot stirrer?
She really applied this to social media comments, but also to in-person comments too.
If someone says, "Oh ya know, she's just so blah blah blah" about your friend, do you harmlessly say "I know what you mean." or do you keep your mouth shut? Sometimes we don't have to say something that is directly bad to stir the pot. Sometimes those harmless comments aren't so harmless.
She advised us to avoid the drama. Just walk away from it. Don't stir the pot.
We should all follow Jesus' example to love everybody. Yet even Jesus had his 12 friends that were closer to Him than the multitude as a whole, and inside the 12, He had 3 that He spent the most time with. We should use discernment when picking who we will allow to speak into our lives - love everybody, but look for friends that will help you, pray for you, and encourage you to reach your God-given potential, because God is whispering, and it's hard enough to hear Him over the husband and kids and every day life - we don't need to be sorting out the voice of a negative friend (or friends), too. Everybody has bad days, but if your friends are wreaking havoc on your life, it's time to ask God to help you find friends that want what God has for you!
I got the great blessing of getting to go to "Girlfriends" at Journey Monday night, and am so thankful I went. Stacy kept the boys, and I got to spend some time with a few of my favorite people. The message was amazing, and I've been thinking about it today, really asking myself what kind of friend I am, and what kind of friends I have in my inner circle.
Julie told us that a herd of zebra are called a dazzle. She said that when one zebra is being chased or hunted it will run to it's dazzle, and the predator will become confused by all of the stripes and will leave them alone. Pretty fascinating.
She then used that point to talk about our closest group of girlfriends - and whether they help us dazzle or not. Here are some of the points/questions she used, and hopefully these will help you, too!
Are you a balcony friend, or a basement friend?
A balcony friend lifts up and encourages. A balcony friend is happy for you when something good happens in your life. A balcony friend prays for you, and knows that God has a dream for your life. A balcony friend encourages you to reach for that dream.
A basement friend wallows around in the wah-wah, is jealous or angry when something good happens in your life, and doesn't do much to help you reach for the dream God has for you.
(Oh boy...I don't want to wallow around in the wah-wah...I want to be a balcony friend!)
Are you a Labrador, or a vulture?
A Labrador is loyal, faithful, and quick to forgive.
A vulture is a betrayer, and offers no forgiveness. They pick at everything until there is nothing but bones left.
(Again, I'm thinking, Oh boy, do I pick at everything like that??)
Are you a fire-putter-outter...or a pot stirrer?
She really applied this to social media comments, but also to in-person comments too.
If someone says, "Oh ya know, she's just so blah blah blah" about your friend, do you harmlessly say "I know what you mean." or do you keep your mouth shut? Sometimes we don't have to say something that is directly bad to stir the pot. Sometimes those harmless comments aren't so harmless.
She advised us to avoid the drama. Just walk away from it. Don't stir the pot.
We should all follow Jesus' example to love everybody. Yet even Jesus had his 12 friends that were closer to Him than the multitude as a whole, and inside the 12, He had 3 that He spent the most time with. We should use discernment when picking who we will allow to speak into our lives - love everybody, but look for friends that will help you, pray for you, and encourage you to reach your God-given potential, because God is whispering, and it's hard enough to hear Him over the husband and kids and every day life - we don't need to be sorting out the voice of a negative friend (or friends), too. Everybody has bad days, but if your friends are wreaking havoc on your life, it's time to ask God to help you find friends that want what God has for you!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Restoration
Restore:
1: give back, return
2: to put or bring back into existence or use
3: to bring back to or put back into a former or original state : renew
Renew:
1: to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection
What a great big God we serve. That He genuinely cares for us and wants to have a relationship with us still catches me off guard at times. I know I'm not worthy of such a great love, of such devotion, or of a relationship with my Almighty God, Awesome Creator, Wonderful Counselor. Yet, that's the beauty of grace and salvation – God restored us to Himself, by sending His own son, that we may be adopted into His family by the blood of Jesus. Thank you Lord, for bringing me back to You!
This one act of grace, the gift of Jesus, shows me the heart of God in so many ways. He loves us – without end. He wants us to be in relationship with Him. He is the author of restoration and renewal. Our God offers us His unconditional, redeeming love, and He offers it freely, without prejudice. We must confess His Son to be our Savior, accept His death on the cross as payment, and we are renewed. Jesus did the work for this one so you don't have to. So I don't have to.
I've thought many times before, and pushed the thought aside, if God is the author of restoration, and I vowed before Him to be married to Stacy until death do us part, wouldn't it make sense that God would want that relationship restored? I've hidden from this thought, pushed it aside, and ignored it many times. It terrifies me. Why would God expect that of me? Didn't He see how horribly wrong things went? Doesn't He remember? I think He remembers more clearly than I, and I believe He offers grace to both of us, equally.
I believe that marriage is supposed to be a covenant relationship – it's meant to only be undone by death. I have never thought divorce was a good idea, and I can't even say I thought it was necessarily the right choice when I made it. I wasn't looking to God for answers, I was looking to the world. Trust me when I tell you, it's easy to find justification for divorce when you look to the world. Just about everybody has an opinion about it, and most of them think it's an acceptable option. I suppose there are times when it is, but getting a divorce felt like sin to me. A big ugly stain of sin on my life. I've asked God to forgive me for it, but until recently, I wasn't walking in that forgiveness. I was distancing myself from God because I was afraid of what He might expect me to do. I've known all along that God is a God of reconciliation, and for one, how do I face my fears and be reconciled with someone that hurt me so badly? And for two: how do I face the world and tell them that I'm not only going to offer grace and forgiveness, but that I am considering the commitment I made to my husband before God, and that if God's will is to reconcile that relationship, then I won't stand in His way.
Have you ever experienced God's restoration in a relationship? With a spouse? Parent? Child? Friend? Tell me about it!
Romans 12:1-3 (NIV 2010) 1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
1: give back, return
2: to put or bring back into existence or use
3: to bring back to or put back into a former or original state : renew
Renew:
1: to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection
What a great big God we serve. That He genuinely cares for us and wants to have a relationship with us still catches me off guard at times. I know I'm not worthy of such a great love, of such devotion, or of a relationship with my Almighty God, Awesome Creator, Wonderful Counselor. Yet, that's the beauty of grace and salvation – God restored us to Himself, by sending His own son, that we may be adopted into His family by the blood of Jesus. Thank you Lord, for bringing me back to You!
This one act of grace, the gift of Jesus, shows me the heart of God in so many ways. He loves us – without end. He wants us to be in relationship with Him. He is the author of restoration and renewal. Our God offers us His unconditional, redeeming love, and He offers it freely, without prejudice. We must confess His Son to be our Savior, accept His death on the cross as payment, and we are renewed. Jesus did the work for this one so you don't have to. So I don't have to.
I've thought many times before, and pushed the thought aside, if God is the author of restoration, and I vowed before Him to be married to Stacy until death do us part, wouldn't it make sense that God would want that relationship restored? I've hidden from this thought, pushed it aside, and ignored it many times. It terrifies me. Why would God expect that of me? Didn't He see how horribly wrong things went? Doesn't He remember? I think He remembers more clearly than I, and I believe He offers grace to both of us, equally.
I believe that marriage is supposed to be a covenant relationship – it's meant to only be undone by death. I have never thought divorce was a good idea, and I can't even say I thought it was necessarily the right choice when I made it. I wasn't looking to God for answers, I was looking to the world. Trust me when I tell you, it's easy to find justification for divorce when you look to the world. Just about everybody has an opinion about it, and most of them think it's an acceptable option. I suppose there are times when it is, but getting a divorce felt like sin to me. A big ugly stain of sin on my life. I've asked God to forgive me for it, but until recently, I wasn't walking in that forgiveness. I was distancing myself from God because I was afraid of what He might expect me to do. I've known all along that God is a God of reconciliation, and for one, how do I face my fears and be reconciled with someone that hurt me so badly? And for two: how do I face the world and tell them that I'm not only going to offer grace and forgiveness, but that I am considering the commitment I made to my husband before God, and that if God's will is to reconcile that relationship, then I won't stand in His way.
Have you ever experienced God's restoration in a relationship? With a spouse? Parent? Child? Friend? Tell me about it!
Romans 12:1-3 (NIV 2010) 1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Romantic Notions: Part 3
(Part 1: http://realliferealmessy.blogspot.com/2011/01/romantic-notions-part-1.html)
(Part 2: http://realliferealmessy.blogspot.com/2011/01/romantic-notions-part-2.html)
Well, God is doing all of this great work in my life, He is softening my heart, He is leading me again as I struggle to hand over the controls, I'm trying Lord, be patient with me. He is showing me more of what He wants from me. He is helping me develop my God-given talents. He is calling and I am answering. I think over the last week He's been unwrapping the dirty bandage. I was really afraid of the stench we would find there, and I'm sure there is some, but I think we discovered something even more interesting. I'm protecting a wound that has mostly healed. It's mostly a scar now. Scars can be tender too, they are certainly reminders of devastation and heartache. But there's less protection needed for a scar. That means that for sometime now I've been living like the wounded, allowing wound-defending behaviors to rule my life. This is dangerous for me and everyone else. Because those behaviors breed other bad behaviors – greed, envy, jealousy, pride, bitterness....all of those bad fruits that we don't want to grow as Christians.
I pray that as the next days and weeks unfold, God will strip away the bad behaviors, and all the defense mechanisms, and that He will shine through. I pray that He will lay His loving hand over the scar and bring more healing. I pray that any hidden infection will be cast out, and that the Blood of Jesus will wash over me, making me new and transforming me. I also pray that God will help me to see the world from a perspective of grace, offering forgiveness freely, and giving the wounds to Him for His grace and healing to cover me.
I know we serve a God of reconciliation – that's why He sent Jesus, He wanted to reconcile us to Himself. This is a huge concept for me, and once that I get asked about a lot, in the form of, “So, are you two back together?” Well, I don't know what the future holds. For now we are great friends, raising two great kids together, and learning to do life together. It is hard to share a home and a life with someone. I have to admit, it's a bit harder when you aren't sharing as spouses, but rather just as parents, but maybe this is God's way of teaching us to walk through the storms in unity. Maybe, through the prayers of our wonderful families, our Mom's, our church families, friends, and others that I may not even realize, and maybe because God is a God of reconciliation, this strange little thing of ours will turn into more.
So, back to the romantic notions. Maybe the someone I can share those dinners with will be Stacy. I know he surprised me with a beautiful rose the other day, and it made me smile. I know it scares me to admit that I might ever consider anything other than this. I also know that I hate making the first move, and I don't know how to change my position in a way that will be recognized. To add to what I know...I know to wait and go slow. I know that rushing anything would not be wise, and I know my kids don't need to be hurt repeatedly by the stupid choices adults make. So tonight I'm wondering and praying for God's will in this really messy life of ours. I'm praying that He will mold us both, and that He will grow in both of our hearts a desire to seek Him, pursue Him and live for Him. I pray that we will find our peace, strength, and healing in Him and Him alone. I pray that when I get defensive He will remind me that He is guarding and healing the scar, and that the wound is not there anymore.
I would love to hear your thoughts about wounds, healing, reconciliation, etc. Please comment below with anything you'd like to add, any questions you have, or what your prayer is in your current romantic situation!
(Part 2: http://realliferealmessy.blogspot.com/2011/01/romantic-notions-part-2.html)
Well, God is doing all of this great work in my life, He is softening my heart, He is leading me again as I struggle to hand over the controls, I'm trying Lord, be patient with me. He is showing me more of what He wants from me. He is helping me develop my God-given talents. He is calling and I am answering. I think over the last week He's been unwrapping the dirty bandage. I was really afraid of the stench we would find there, and I'm sure there is some, but I think we discovered something even more interesting. I'm protecting a wound that has mostly healed. It's mostly a scar now. Scars can be tender too, they are certainly reminders of devastation and heartache. But there's less protection needed for a scar. That means that for sometime now I've been living like the wounded, allowing wound-defending behaviors to rule my life. This is dangerous for me and everyone else. Because those behaviors breed other bad behaviors – greed, envy, jealousy, pride, bitterness....all of those bad fruits that we don't want to grow as Christians.
I pray that as the next days and weeks unfold, God will strip away the bad behaviors, and all the defense mechanisms, and that He will shine through. I pray that He will lay His loving hand over the scar and bring more healing. I pray that any hidden infection will be cast out, and that the Blood of Jesus will wash over me, making me new and transforming me. I also pray that God will help me to see the world from a perspective of grace, offering forgiveness freely, and giving the wounds to Him for His grace and healing to cover me.
I know we serve a God of reconciliation – that's why He sent Jesus, He wanted to reconcile us to Himself. This is a huge concept for me, and once that I get asked about a lot, in the form of, “So, are you two back together?” Well, I don't know what the future holds. For now we are great friends, raising two great kids together, and learning to do life together. It is hard to share a home and a life with someone. I have to admit, it's a bit harder when you aren't sharing as spouses, but rather just as parents, but maybe this is God's way of teaching us to walk through the storms in unity. Maybe, through the prayers of our wonderful families, our Mom's, our church families, friends, and others that I may not even realize, and maybe because God is a God of reconciliation, this strange little thing of ours will turn into more.
So, back to the romantic notions. Maybe the someone I can share those dinners with will be Stacy. I know he surprised me with a beautiful rose the other day, and it made me smile. I know it scares me to admit that I might ever consider anything other than this. I also know that I hate making the first move, and I don't know how to change my position in a way that will be recognized. To add to what I know...I know to wait and go slow. I know that rushing anything would not be wise, and I know my kids don't need to be hurt repeatedly by the stupid choices adults make. So tonight I'm wondering and praying for God's will in this really messy life of ours. I'm praying that He will mold us both, and that He will grow in both of our hearts a desire to seek Him, pursue Him and live for Him. I pray that we will find our peace, strength, and healing in Him and Him alone. I pray that when I get defensive He will remind me that He is guarding and healing the scar, and that the wound is not there anymore.
I would love to hear your thoughts about wounds, healing, reconciliation, etc. Please comment below with anything you'd like to add, any questions you have, or what your prayer is in your current romantic situation!
Romantic Notions: Part 2
(To read part 1 go here: http://realliferealmessy.blogspot.com/2011/01/romantic-notions-part-1.html)
This brings me to my next point. This is about wounds. I've noticed this process that I've walked through since Stacy left in 2009... He left, and I was wounded. I was wounded previously to that, and this just carved a deeper wound and left me empty inside. Top that off with me feeling completely replaced by another woman and the events that very much have caused me to believe she's the reason he left – I was broken. Well, in my brokenness I wasn't turning to God like I should. So I have this gaping heart-wound, and I lack the tools to stitch it up, or sterilize it, or bandage it, properly. And I'm not asking God to, which is my bad, I know He was waiting, and He was reaching out trying to help.
So, with a dirty bandage and some not-so-sticky tape, I wrapped up my wound, and I trudged on. The danger in this is that, now I've got this painful wound, so I'm already protective, but with my lack of tools to properly heal it, it got infected. Ever had an infected wound? Now, a wound can hurt pretty darn badly, but one that is oozing with infection? OUCH! So the wound festers, and my heart is hurting, and it's tender, and the strangest things can create a shooting pain that makes my head hurt too, and sometimes I don't even know what did it. So I'm constantly defensive, to the point of becoming slightly offensive, because I don't want my infected wound to hurt anymore. Still trudging on, working hard, trying to raise my kids – which let me tell you, that last one is extremely difficult when you are constantly protecting yourself...because kids hurt. And kids that have been devastated by divorce hurt even more. They say the simplest kid things, and it burns so badly you just want to hide. Now, I make sure to keep that dirty bandage in place, it hides the wound and it's my way of protecting it. And a whole year goes by this way. Now we're into the fall of 2010, and Stacy and I are having civil conversations, and this very strange thing happens. He starts staying on my couch. Everybody thinks I'm nuts for letting him be around that much, but you should have seen my kids. Those boys realized how much their Dad was around it was like they both did a 180! They became so exuberant again, and it seemed like the weight of the world came right off of them. I couldn't deny my kids that kind healing and hope. So, even when I feel like screaming at him to get out of MY apartment and go away and never ever come back again (until Friday, cause he can still pick up the kids, but GET OUT RIGHT NOW) – I don't. I keep my mouth as mostly shut as I can. Sure I grumble and I certainly call my poor Mom and let her have an earful about how hard he is to live with, but I don't throw him out. You know why? Because this is real life. Real messy. It's hard to live with someone, whether you've been wounded or not.
(Part 3 will be up tonight! Please feel free to comment!!)
This brings me to my next point. This is about wounds. I've noticed this process that I've walked through since Stacy left in 2009... He left, and I was wounded. I was wounded previously to that, and this just carved a deeper wound and left me empty inside. Top that off with me feeling completely replaced by another woman and the events that very much have caused me to believe she's the reason he left – I was broken. Well, in my brokenness I wasn't turning to God like I should. So I have this gaping heart-wound, and I lack the tools to stitch it up, or sterilize it, or bandage it, properly. And I'm not asking God to, which is my bad, I know He was waiting, and He was reaching out trying to help.
So, with a dirty bandage and some not-so-sticky tape, I wrapped up my wound, and I trudged on. The danger in this is that, now I've got this painful wound, so I'm already protective, but with my lack of tools to properly heal it, it got infected. Ever had an infected wound? Now, a wound can hurt pretty darn badly, but one that is oozing with infection? OUCH! So the wound festers, and my heart is hurting, and it's tender, and the strangest things can create a shooting pain that makes my head hurt too, and sometimes I don't even know what did it. So I'm constantly defensive, to the point of becoming slightly offensive, because I don't want my infected wound to hurt anymore. Still trudging on, working hard, trying to raise my kids – which let me tell you, that last one is extremely difficult when you are constantly protecting yourself...because kids hurt. And kids that have been devastated by divorce hurt even more. They say the simplest kid things, and it burns so badly you just want to hide. Now, I make sure to keep that dirty bandage in place, it hides the wound and it's my way of protecting it. And a whole year goes by this way. Now we're into the fall of 2010, and Stacy and I are having civil conversations, and this very strange thing happens. He starts staying on my couch. Everybody thinks I'm nuts for letting him be around that much, but you should have seen my kids. Those boys realized how much their Dad was around it was like they both did a 180! They became so exuberant again, and it seemed like the weight of the world came right off of them. I couldn't deny my kids that kind healing and hope. So, even when I feel like screaming at him to get out of MY apartment and go away and never ever come back again (until Friday, cause he can still pick up the kids, but GET OUT RIGHT NOW) – I don't. I keep my mouth as mostly shut as I can. Sure I grumble and I certainly call my poor Mom and let her have an earful about how hard he is to live with, but I don't throw him out. You know why? Because this is real life. Real messy. It's hard to live with someone, whether you've been wounded or not.
(Part 3 will be up tonight! Please feel free to comment!!)
Romantic Notions: Part 1
(In an attempt to not make my blog posts too ridiculously long, I'm releasing this one in three parts....I'll post the next part tomorrow morning, and the final part tomorrow night.)
It's Sunday night, and I'm glad to be writing. It's been a blessed day! We went to church this morning, then lounged around at home the rest of the day. Thanks to Stacy we got to be a blessing to our friends and I got to spend some time driving and praising the Lord. He certainly calls us to live selflessly – and He challenges us to do that even when it's hard. Praise God for the lessons. This isn't really what I set out to write about tonight though. I actually have been thinking lately about romance. About how I would love to go out to a nice dinner for two, maybe a movie, maybe just a hot coffee and a peaceful walk.
I like the partnership and companionship that came from being a spouse. I truly enjoyed being a wife (most days!) and I miss it quite often. Stacy and I are doing a great job as parents (yes, I'm biased!), we are getting along great, sharing living space, raising our boys and showing them that they are our priority. We are learning more and more to put ourselves aside, and to do what's right for them. Our boys are once again flourishing, their attitudes have improved, they are at peace, and they are happy. This all does my heart good! Yet at times, I want a little more. I want to lay down next to someone and feel at ease and comfortable. I want to go out and enjoy a nice dinner with someone. I want to go see a movie and hold hands while we do it. I want the occasional bouquet of flowers that says 'Hey, I was thinking about you today.' or the pretty jewelry that I can wear to those nice dinners.
In wanting all of those things, I also realized something about myself. I have put myself in a position to where I have to make the first move. I've done this out of self-defense, and the desire to avoid the pain that sometimes comes with relationship. I don't want to be let down, trampled over, replaced, forgotten, used, abused, mistreated, spoken badly to or of, and the list goes on. I just want to be loved. I have come to realize the only perfect love comes from above and Christ is the center of my world. I am learning that I cannot expect people to never let me down – that is unrealistic and it is a dangerous way to view people. By expecting people to never let me down, I am essentially refusing to live out the grace that God so lovingly poured out on my life. If I am refusing to live out that grace, then I am refusing to shine for God – and that means I am missing every opportunity to show this hurting world that Christ lived for, died for, and loves them! This is a tragedy that weighs down my heart and makes it ache. It also causes me to examine myself and ask some tough questions about what I'm expecting of others. My expectation, my very hope, is in Christ. The rest of you are free to come, free to go, free to be apart of my life, or not, and I will gladly take every moment I get with you, and I pray that Christ will shine through me, and that the forgiveness He offered me will be evident by the forgiveness in which I express.
(To Be Continued - feel free to comment!)
It's Sunday night, and I'm glad to be writing. It's been a blessed day! We went to church this morning, then lounged around at home the rest of the day. Thanks to Stacy we got to be a blessing to our friends and I got to spend some time driving and praising the Lord. He certainly calls us to live selflessly – and He challenges us to do that even when it's hard. Praise God for the lessons. This isn't really what I set out to write about tonight though. I actually have been thinking lately about romance. About how I would love to go out to a nice dinner for two, maybe a movie, maybe just a hot coffee and a peaceful walk.
I like the partnership and companionship that came from being a spouse. I truly enjoyed being a wife (most days!) and I miss it quite often. Stacy and I are doing a great job as parents (yes, I'm biased!), we are getting along great, sharing living space, raising our boys and showing them that they are our priority. We are learning more and more to put ourselves aside, and to do what's right for them. Our boys are once again flourishing, their attitudes have improved, they are at peace, and they are happy. This all does my heart good! Yet at times, I want a little more. I want to lay down next to someone and feel at ease and comfortable. I want to go out and enjoy a nice dinner with someone. I want to go see a movie and hold hands while we do it. I want the occasional bouquet of flowers that says 'Hey, I was thinking about you today.' or the pretty jewelry that I can wear to those nice dinners.
In wanting all of those things, I also realized something about myself. I have put myself in a position to where I have to make the first move. I've done this out of self-defense, and the desire to avoid the pain that sometimes comes with relationship. I don't want to be let down, trampled over, replaced, forgotten, used, abused, mistreated, spoken badly to or of, and the list goes on. I just want to be loved. I have come to realize the only perfect love comes from above and Christ is the center of my world. I am learning that I cannot expect people to never let me down – that is unrealistic and it is a dangerous way to view people. By expecting people to never let me down, I am essentially refusing to live out the grace that God so lovingly poured out on my life. If I am refusing to live out that grace, then I am refusing to shine for God – and that means I am missing every opportunity to show this hurting world that Christ lived for, died for, and loves them! This is a tragedy that weighs down my heart and makes it ache. It also causes me to examine myself and ask some tough questions about what I'm expecting of others. My expectation, my very hope, is in Christ. The rest of you are free to come, free to go, free to be apart of my life, or not, and I will gladly take every moment I get with you, and I pray that Christ will shine through me, and that the forgiveness He offered me will be evident by the forgiveness in which I express.
(To Be Continued - feel free to comment!)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Teapot Miracles & More
God cares about all of the details in our lives, even the tiniest ones. While I am convinced that He is more concerned with our character then our comfort, I believe He likes to make us smile.
I just got to experience my own little “5 loaves & 2 fishes” miracle in my coffee/tea pot. At the start of this week (or maybe it was over last weekend) I ran out of coffee. This shouldn't be a big deal, as I really don't drink that much coffee, but things are really tight around here right now. Like, tighter than I've ever experienced. There's no running out to buy coffee. So I panicked. What would I drink? Well, we have the family size tea bags for making iced tea, and I started using my coffee pot to brew it hot, and was adding cream and sugar and enjoying it. I think, honestly I've been enjoying it more than coffee. It's been delicious. Well, I got down to my last two tea bags....brewed the next to last bag and felt that panic. I don't want to run out of tea, too. Then the most beautiful expression of God's provision, in things that are even merely just wants, happened. I poured myself two cups of tea, then the next time I went in there the stuff had turned into this concentrate that was incredibly strong, so I added water. In fact, I filled up the coffee pot. After two more cups of tea, it happened again. The tea bag was not in the water, or the top part - I had thrown it away. God was multiplying my tea, I'm certain of this. He was showing me that He knows that things are tight, and that He's got this. That one pot of tea lasted me for two days, I think I refilled it four times, maybe five.
Then He did something even greater. This is a hard one for me because it comes with a failure that is proving hard for me to swallow. I missed my first payment on something. I don't miss payments. It just doesn't happen. But I did. (I told you, things are really tight around here...) It was to the credit card that I've owned for 7 years. My flawless history with them now has a blemish. I called and talked to them and thought it was going to work out okay, until today. (It's actually better than okay, I'm getting to that!)
I spoke with a very pleasant woman who informed me that they were opting to close my account, but that they had a hardship option for me if I was interested. She thanked me for my 7 years of excellent payment history, lowered my interest rate, and put me on a 5 year repayment plan. My last bill said that if I paid the minimum payment every month it would take a whopping 23 years to pay it off. God's really been speaking to me about not being slave to the lender. He'd been working on me with it for about a year, maybe a little more. With all of these unexpected expenses, along with how much work my Bulldozer missed, I've realized how pressing it is that we get out from under this burden of debt. God is showing me that I don't need drive-thru, and I don't need to stop at the gas station for anything more than gas. He is teaching me the true difference between need and want.
There is something beautiful about the fact that I messed up, I selected a moderate to heavy burden of debt, and trudged down my path with it. I accepted it, and made my payments responsibly. Yet, I messed up. That's not how God wants us to live, then I messed up again, because I wasn't prepared, an unexpected medical catastrophe (that God took care of me through) caused financial turmoil. I missed a payment. And God used that to open to door for that card to no longer be a temptation. We simply don't have it anymore. And 5 years is better than 23...and I'm wondering if we can do it in less time than that?
God is watching over us, and He is bringing good things out of one of the most challenging seasons I've ever walked through. What has God brought you through? Did you recognize His hand in it at the time, or was it upon looking back that you realized how much He had orchestrated?
I just got to experience my own little “5 loaves & 2 fishes” miracle in my coffee/tea pot. At the start of this week (or maybe it was over last weekend) I ran out of coffee. This shouldn't be a big deal, as I really don't drink that much coffee, but things are really tight around here right now. Like, tighter than I've ever experienced. There's no running out to buy coffee. So I panicked. What would I drink? Well, we have the family size tea bags for making iced tea, and I started using my coffee pot to brew it hot, and was adding cream and sugar and enjoying it. I think, honestly I've been enjoying it more than coffee. It's been delicious. Well, I got down to my last two tea bags....brewed the next to last bag and felt that panic. I don't want to run out of tea, too. Then the most beautiful expression of God's provision, in things that are even merely just wants, happened. I poured myself two cups of tea, then the next time I went in there the stuff had turned into this concentrate that was incredibly strong, so I added water. In fact, I filled up the coffee pot. After two more cups of tea, it happened again. The tea bag was not in the water, or the top part - I had thrown it away. God was multiplying my tea, I'm certain of this. He was showing me that He knows that things are tight, and that He's got this. That one pot of tea lasted me for two days, I think I refilled it four times, maybe five.
Then He did something even greater. This is a hard one for me because it comes with a failure that is proving hard for me to swallow. I missed my first payment on something. I don't miss payments. It just doesn't happen. But I did. (I told you, things are really tight around here...) It was to the credit card that I've owned for 7 years. My flawless history with them now has a blemish. I called and talked to them and thought it was going to work out okay, until today. (It's actually better than okay, I'm getting to that!)
I spoke with a very pleasant woman who informed me that they were opting to close my account, but that they had a hardship option for me if I was interested. She thanked me for my 7 years of excellent payment history, lowered my interest rate, and put me on a 5 year repayment plan. My last bill said that if I paid the minimum payment every month it would take a whopping 23 years to pay it off. God's really been speaking to me about not being slave to the lender. He'd been working on me with it for about a year, maybe a little more. With all of these unexpected expenses, along with how much work my Bulldozer missed, I've realized how pressing it is that we get out from under this burden of debt. God is showing me that I don't need drive-thru, and I don't need to stop at the gas station for anything more than gas. He is teaching me the true difference between need and want.
There is something beautiful about the fact that I messed up, I selected a moderate to heavy burden of debt, and trudged down my path with it. I accepted it, and made my payments responsibly. Yet, I messed up. That's not how God wants us to live, then I messed up again, because I wasn't prepared, an unexpected medical catastrophe (that God took care of me through) caused financial turmoil. I missed a payment. And God used that to open to door for that card to no longer be a temptation. We simply don't have it anymore. And 5 years is better than 23...and I'm wondering if we can do it in less time than that?
God is watching over us, and He is bringing good things out of one of the most challenging seasons I've ever walked through. What has God brought you through? Did you recognize His hand in it at the time, or was it upon looking back that you realized how much He had orchestrated?
Bulldozers
This is kind of like part 2 - or a follow up to this post: http://perceptionsby1.blogspot.com/2011/01/ive-never-liked-red-brick-can-i-be.html
So I may be a brick wall, a conversation stopper, and hard to talk to at times, but I realized tonight that I live with a Bulldozer. (Or maybe a wrecking ball, but that sounds a little harsh.) You know, the personality type that once they get started, they don't stop? I'm not even sure that me listening is a requirement for the conversation. Okay, I withdraw that statement, because my Bulldozer gets very offended if I'm not listening.
Now, I realize that this is going to sound a little selfish, but I had plans tonight. Not big party plans, but they were plans, nonetheless. I am working on a project, and I was going to put some time in on it. Plus I have about 4 blog titles and outlines started, and I was thinking I might work on one of them. I had stuff I wanted to be doing. Now, we are called to live outside of ourselves, and to live selflessly, and I am trying to learn how to do this in the way that God calls me to. I am also realizing that balance is not the key to everything, and that I need to seek God first. I also have dreams, goals and aspirations that I want to accomplish. I'm not sure how to fit all of that in, and I'm sure I could stand to spend more time praying and less time trying to fix it myself.
Tonight I had much I wanted to accomplish, but the Bulldozer was on a mission. My best attempt at brick-walling wasn't enough. I got the grand pleasure of hearing about commodity stock in bison (note the sarcasm? I mean, I'm sure it's a fascinating topic if you're into commodity stock. Or bison.) and I know everything of significance that happened in The Green Mile - the book and movie - and I didn't even know it was a book. I'll never have to read that one. Or watch the movie. Thank you. I can honestly say that it sounds like one that I would have enjoyed - but that's alright. I also know all about I am Legend and the differences between the book and the movie. Not too big of deal and not too interesting - I never watched that movie on purpose, and again, I didn't know it was a book.
Then there was the part that almost turned into a dialogue (as opposed to the mostly monologue previous part of the conversation) and it was a disagreement. Nothing heated or rude, just two people, with two vastly differing opinions on what we would do/how we would live if we ever were blessed with a large sum of money. This was a bit hard for me, because I have huge dreams for what I would do with a large sum of money, and none of them really lined up with what the Bulldozer would do with a large sum of money. Ah well, that's how it goes, right?
As I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering how many other people face these same communication issues. How many of you are a brick wall, like me, and are generally masters at shutting down a conversation before it ever gets started, because you just don't feel like dealing with it? Not to say there's never a good reason, but I'm guessing there are a lot more excuses than reasons. (You know what an excuse is, right? An excuse is a lie that only you believe.) And how often do the people in our life feel crushed by the inability to complete a thought and share a dream or goal or interest with us because we won't listen?
On the flip side, how many of you are bulldozers? And how often is it that you plow right through the other persons goal, dream, or interest, because you have something that just must be said? (I mean, commodity stock in bison is a pressing issue, right?) You get all fired up by something and you can see that the person you are trying to share with is trying to work on something, but you're just going to share this one thought and you'll let them be, but that one thought turns into a mudslide of information and pretty soon the other person has been derailed and is frustrated.
I'm sure many arguments have been started simply because of these two personality/communication issues. Its not like I mean to be a brick wall and refuse an incoming wealth of information. I know that my Bulldozer doesn't mean to overlook what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm sure if we were to admit it though, we both walk away from nights like this feeling frustrated. When he gets the brick wall, I see him get frustrated. When I get bulldozed, I feel frustrated.
I think we both have a lot to learn. I know there are times when I need to set aside myself and what I've decided to accomplish and listen. I also think there are times when my Bulldozer needs to turn off the engine and set aside what he's decided needs to be said. Obviously, there are times when a truly pressing issue is at hand, and it would be ideal if we could both come to place where the bulldozer is off, the brick wall is down, and we can take honest, open turns sharing with one another. This post has way more to do with the average, every day conversation that makes life interesting...and occasionally boring too. (I mean, commodity stock in bison, really?)
I do have to note that at one point my Bulldozer made a valiant attempt at letting me get down to business. He put in his headphones, turned on NPR (yep, that's how he found out about commodity stock in bison....), and I didn't hear a word from him for probably 10 minutes, but the sound of him munching on his chips while he did his thing drove me so up the wall I decided to go to bed. He was chewing with his mouth closed, minding his own business and I just really needed more silence than that. These are the joys of sharing a home with someone that sometimes are much less joyful that I care to admit. Learning to share space, time, conversation, comfort, and everything else that comes with a home is a very difficult task, no matter how great you (or the the other person) are!
What is your communication misstep? Do you bulldoze? Brick wall? Or something else? How can you put yourself aside to ease the situation and improve the communication? How do you respond when your frustrated by someone else's communication misstep?
So I may be a brick wall, a conversation stopper, and hard to talk to at times, but I realized tonight that I live with a Bulldozer. (Or maybe a wrecking ball, but that sounds a little harsh.) You know, the personality type that once they get started, they don't stop? I'm not even sure that me listening is a requirement for the conversation. Okay, I withdraw that statement, because my Bulldozer gets very offended if I'm not listening.
Now, I realize that this is going to sound a little selfish, but I had plans tonight. Not big party plans, but they were plans, nonetheless. I am working on a project, and I was going to put some time in on it. Plus I have about 4 blog titles and outlines started, and I was thinking I might work on one of them. I had stuff I wanted to be doing. Now, we are called to live outside of ourselves, and to live selflessly, and I am trying to learn how to do this in the way that God calls me to. I am also realizing that balance is not the key to everything, and that I need to seek God first. I also have dreams, goals and aspirations that I want to accomplish. I'm not sure how to fit all of that in, and I'm sure I could stand to spend more time praying and less time trying to fix it myself.
Tonight I had much I wanted to accomplish, but the Bulldozer was on a mission. My best attempt at brick-walling wasn't enough. I got the grand pleasure of hearing about commodity stock in bison (note the sarcasm? I mean, I'm sure it's a fascinating topic if you're into commodity stock. Or bison.) and I know everything of significance that happened in The Green Mile - the book and movie - and I didn't even know it was a book. I'll never have to read that one. Or watch the movie. Thank you. I can honestly say that it sounds like one that I would have enjoyed - but that's alright. I also know all about I am Legend and the differences between the book and the movie. Not too big of deal and not too interesting - I never watched that movie on purpose, and again, I didn't know it was a book.
Then there was the part that almost turned into a dialogue (as opposed to the mostly monologue previous part of the conversation) and it was a disagreement. Nothing heated or rude, just two people, with two vastly differing opinions on what we would do/how we would live if we ever were blessed with a large sum of money. This was a bit hard for me, because I have huge dreams for what I would do with a large sum of money, and none of them really lined up with what the Bulldozer would do with a large sum of money. Ah well, that's how it goes, right?
As I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering how many other people face these same communication issues. How many of you are a brick wall, like me, and are generally masters at shutting down a conversation before it ever gets started, because you just don't feel like dealing with it? Not to say there's never a good reason, but I'm guessing there are a lot more excuses than reasons. (You know what an excuse is, right? An excuse is a lie that only you believe.) And how often do the people in our life feel crushed by the inability to complete a thought and share a dream or goal or interest with us because we won't listen?
On the flip side, how many of you are bulldozers? And how often is it that you plow right through the other persons goal, dream, or interest, because you have something that just must be said? (I mean, commodity stock in bison is a pressing issue, right?) You get all fired up by something and you can see that the person you are trying to share with is trying to work on something, but you're just going to share this one thought and you'll let them be, but that one thought turns into a mudslide of information and pretty soon the other person has been derailed and is frustrated.
I'm sure many arguments have been started simply because of these two personality/communication issues. Its not like I mean to be a brick wall and refuse an incoming wealth of information. I know that my Bulldozer doesn't mean to overlook what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm sure if we were to admit it though, we both walk away from nights like this feeling frustrated. When he gets the brick wall, I see him get frustrated. When I get bulldozed, I feel frustrated.
I think we both have a lot to learn. I know there are times when I need to set aside myself and what I've decided to accomplish and listen. I also think there are times when my Bulldozer needs to turn off the engine and set aside what he's decided needs to be said. Obviously, there are times when a truly pressing issue is at hand, and it would be ideal if we could both come to place where the bulldozer is off, the brick wall is down, and we can take honest, open turns sharing with one another. This post has way more to do with the average, every day conversation that makes life interesting...and occasionally boring too. (I mean, commodity stock in bison, really?)
I do have to note that at one point my Bulldozer made a valiant attempt at letting me get down to business. He put in his headphones, turned on NPR (yep, that's how he found out about commodity stock in bison....), and I didn't hear a word from him for probably 10 minutes, but the sound of him munching on his chips while he did his thing drove me so up the wall I decided to go to bed. He was chewing with his mouth closed, minding his own business and I just really needed more silence than that. These are the joys of sharing a home with someone that sometimes are much less joyful that I care to admit. Learning to share space, time, conversation, comfort, and everything else that comes with a home is a very difficult task, no matter how great you (or the the other person) are!
What is your communication misstep? Do you bulldoze? Brick wall? Or something else? How can you put yourself aside to ease the situation and improve the communication? How do you respond when your frustrated by someone else's communication misstep?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Raising Boys
I got such a huge blessing tonight and more direction and focus for raising my two boys. I honestly think I thought more about raising girls before I had boys, but when I had boys I realized that there was a huge calling on my life to raise God-fearing men. I have many thoughts, dreams, goals and desires for raising my two boys. Time is going by so much faster than I was prepared for, my oldest will be 5 in about three weeks and that means we've definitely got our foundation started, and it's probably setting up. Maybe we're even working on walls already, I'm not sure, but I do know that it is important to me to be intentional every day about training them up.
So about today...I got to spend the afternoon with my two boys, and my neighbors' 4 year old daughter and 9 year old son. Unfortunately my friend injured her ankle severely and needed a ride to the medical clinic, so I drove her, then took the kids to play at a fast food joint with a jungle gym.
I got to watch this 9 year old boy in action, and boy was he good! He noticed right away that they didn't bring my OJ with our food, so he went up and asked (politely!) for it, without me saying anything. He got ketchup for all of the younger kids. He brought straws. He made sure every body was taken care of, and once we were, he sat down to eat. He chose to sit on a "bar stool" style seat just over from us, because the booth was packed a little tight with 3 little ones and myself, but he turned around and checked on us several times.
I watched. I ate, I kept the little ones in check, and I watched. I thought about our culture, and how it is ever changing and growing. I watched what I considered a "boy" behave like a very mature young man, and I pondered. If, at 9 years old, he was already displaying that sort of protective concern over those he considered "his" at the moment, when did it begin? And does my 4 year old already do it? How about my 3 year old?
Then we went to the play place, and without ever being mean to any of the "other" children, he watched over and protected the three little ones. He also came and checked on me. He sat down beside me several times, made a small comment, asked if I needed anything, and went back to playing and guarding. Still, I watched. It's no wonder that during the "pioneer days" we put them to work by the time they were 14, and they had a sense of purpose and felt like men; and were honored and respected at a young age for exhibiting such qualities.
I know we can't go back to "frontier days" and live in homesteads, and send Pa to town for supplies twice a year, therefore giving the oldest a chance to be the man of the house for several days, learning from Pa's example and Ma's gentle voice the way to care for and protect those that our young men love. There has to be something we can do though.
I cannot stand to see this world of young adults, boys and girls, young twenty-somethings, who lack direction. Not all of them do, and I know that, but it seems like so many are changing their majors every semester, and just trying to find a sense of purpose. I hate to see men, young and old, cut to the core and torn down, left feeling like less than a man, less than able to provide and protect.
I've done it, don't get me wrong. The time I spent as a wife was not always in perfect harmony, building up the confidence in my man to do the things he was called to do. I was down right harsh and cold at times. Shame on me. As I look at my young sons, my heart breaks at the thought of them being robbed of their passion for providing and protecting. I pray that God would give me the right words to lead them, guide them, shape them. I pray that God would lead and guide their Dad so that they have an earthly example to look up to. I pray for other wise, Godly men for them to look up to. I pray that they would see the example Jesus set, and how relevant it is to us still, and that they would walk down the narrow path.
I can't do this alone, and as a Mom there is only so much I can teach them. Thankfully their Dad is involved, but let me tell you something, it is hard to let their Dad be a Dad sometimes. Sometimes I think he is doing it just plain wrong, and I want to remind him that scripture tells us not to exasperate our children: NIV: Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
In the KJV it says to not provoke them to wrath: KJV: Ephesians 6:4 - And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Sometimes I want to shut him down and shut him up. But you know what? Their Dad goes to work, so that he can provide, and he is trying. I would like to see him live into what God has for him, in a more complete way, with more purpose and intention. But you know what? Bickering is not going to bring about those changes. Prayer will. It was doing just that when I prayed for him more regularly, more intentionally. You know what though? I haven't met a perfect Dad out there, aside from our Father in heaven... so why do I expect that from my sons' Dad? Human Error. Forgive me.
So, as I'm thinking tonight, and seeking further direction, I know that I must make scripture a more integral part of their lives. We are reading through Proverbs currently. Then we will work on the gospels. I want them to have a passion for the words and the life of Christ. I will pray over them. I will pray for wisdom and guidance. I will exhibit patience. I will not give in to whining. I will require a respectful tone and attitude, while demonstrating one to the people I talk to, on the phone and in person. People I am closely acquainted with, and people I am only crossing paths with briefly. I will be intentional about learning creative methods for correction, and I will be just as intentional about noticing good behavior and praising it. I will give them choices so they can learn to make decisions.
I will fail. But I will not stop trying. I won't always fail, and I won't always succeed, but I will accept this, and I will admit this. I will ask them to forgive me when I miss it, and go overboard. Or under-board. I will respond when they request my attention. I will give them responsibilities and I will expect things of them. I will try to make my expectations clear and easy to understand.
They will fail. But I will not stop encouraging them to try. And I will not stop expecting things of them. I also will not brow-beat them for the failures. I will correct them, as gently as possible, and we will move on, and I will praise the successes.
We will pray. We will pray that the days lessons be taken to heart and that the Word of God will take root. We will pray that they understand the calling on their lives to serve God, and that they will live into it from a very early age. We will pray for wisdom and understanding.
And again, I will point out that we will fail. We won't get it right every day or every time. But we won't stop trying, because raising men that chase after the heart of God and live into what He has to offer is something I am passionate about.
Joshua 24:15 (King James Version)
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
So about today...I got to spend the afternoon with my two boys, and my neighbors' 4 year old daughter and 9 year old son. Unfortunately my friend injured her ankle severely and needed a ride to the medical clinic, so I drove her, then took the kids to play at a fast food joint with a jungle gym.
I got to watch this 9 year old boy in action, and boy was he good! He noticed right away that they didn't bring my OJ with our food, so he went up and asked (politely!) for it, without me saying anything. He got ketchup for all of the younger kids. He brought straws. He made sure every body was taken care of, and once we were, he sat down to eat. He chose to sit on a "bar stool" style seat just over from us, because the booth was packed a little tight with 3 little ones and myself, but he turned around and checked on us several times.
I watched. I ate, I kept the little ones in check, and I watched. I thought about our culture, and how it is ever changing and growing. I watched what I considered a "boy" behave like a very mature young man, and I pondered. If, at 9 years old, he was already displaying that sort of protective concern over those he considered "his" at the moment, when did it begin? And does my 4 year old already do it? How about my 3 year old?
Then we went to the play place, and without ever being mean to any of the "other" children, he watched over and protected the three little ones. He also came and checked on me. He sat down beside me several times, made a small comment, asked if I needed anything, and went back to playing and guarding. Still, I watched. It's no wonder that during the "pioneer days" we put them to work by the time they were 14, and they had a sense of purpose and felt like men; and were honored and respected at a young age for exhibiting such qualities.
I know we can't go back to "frontier days" and live in homesteads, and send Pa to town for supplies twice a year, therefore giving the oldest a chance to be the man of the house for several days, learning from Pa's example and Ma's gentle voice the way to care for and protect those that our young men love. There has to be something we can do though.
I cannot stand to see this world of young adults, boys and girls, young twenty-somethings, who lack direction. Not all of them do, and I know that, but it seems like so many are changing their majors every semester, and just trying to find a sense of purpose. I hate to see men, young and old, cut to the core and torn down, left feeling like less than a man, less than able to provide and protect.
I've done it, don't get me wrong. The time I spent as a wife was not always in perfect harmony, building up the confidence in my man to do the things he was called to do. I was down right harsh and cold at times. Shame on me. As I look at my young sons, my heart breaks at the thought of them being robbed of their passion for providing and protecting. I pray that God would give me the right words to lead them, guide them, shape them. I pray that God would lead and guide their Dad so that they have an earthly example to look up to. I pray for other wise, Godly men for them to look up to. I pray that they would see the example Jesus set, and how relevant it is to us still, and that they would walk down the narrow path.
I can't do this alone, and as a Mom there is only so much I can teach them. Thankfully their Dad is involved, but let me tell you something, it is hard to let their Dad be a Dad sometimes. Sometimes I think he is doing it just plain wrong, and I want to remind him that scripture tells us not to exasperate our children: NIV: Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
In the KJV it says to not provoke them to wrath: KJV: Ephesians 6:4 - And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Sometimes I want to shut him down and shut him up. But you know what? Their Dad goes to work, so that he can provide, and he is trying. I would like to see him live into what God has for him, in a more complete way, with more purpose and intention. But you know what? Bickering is not going to bring about those changes. Prayer will. It was doing just that when I prayed for him more regularly, more intentionally. You know what though? I haven't met a perfect Dad out there, aside from our Father in heaven... so why do I expect that from my sons' Dad? Human Error. Forgive me.
So, as I'm thinking tonight, and seeking further direction, I know that I must make scripture a more integral part of their lives. We are reading through Proverbs currently. Then we will work on the gospels. I want them to have a passion for the words and the life of Christ. I will pray over them. I will pray for wisdom and guidance. I will exhibit patience. I will not give in to whining. I will require a respectful tone and attitude, while demonstrating one to the people I talk to, on the phone and in person. People I am closely acquainted with, and people I am only crossing paths with briefly. I will be intentional about learning creative methods for correction, and I will be just as intentional about noticing good behavior and praising it. I will give them choices so they can learn to make decisions.
I will fail. But I will not stop trying. I won't always fail, and I won't always succeed, but I will accept this, and I will admit this. I will ask them to forgive me when I miss it, and go overboard. Or under-board. I will respond when they request my attention. I will give them responsibilities and I will expect things of them. I will try to make my expectations clear and easy to understand.
They will fail. But I will not stop encouraging them to try. And I will not stop expecting things of them. I also will not brow-beat them for the failures. I will correct them, as gently as possible, and we will move on, and I will praise the successes.
We will pray. We will pray that the days lessons be taken to heart and that the Word of God will take root. We will pray that they understand the calling on their lives to serve God, and that they will live into it from a very early age. We will pray for wisdom and understanding.
And again, I will point out that we will fail. We won't get it right every day or every time. But we won't stop trying, because raising men that chase after the heart of God and live into what He has to offer is something I am passionate about.
Joshua 24:15 (King James Version)
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Balance: Necessity or Distraction?
Balance: to have an equality or equivalence in weight, parts, etc.; be in equilibrium
Also defined: : to arrange so that one set of elements exactly equals another
We all strive for balance don't we? I know many times I've said "I just need more balance in my life." It all becomes a balancing act. How much time can I devote to homeschooling, while still keeping up with my house? How much time can I spend online while still keeping up with my work? How much money can I spend without digging us deeper into the pit of debt? How much time can I let my children spend watching TV, so I can accomplish something around the house, while still fostering in them the desire to play and use their own imaginations? How much time can I devote to volunteering while still caring for my family? How many nights can we have a pre-arranged obligation (sports, dance, small groups, etc.) and how many nights should we be home? Where do I fit in time to read my Bible? Pray? Exercise? Shower? Change every one's sheets? Switch the laundry?
Then there is the challenge to eat balanced meals! And no one agrees on what that is. Meat, no meat, one vegetable or two, whole grain or not, 3 ounces or 4?
The strain that living a balanced life places on us is at times like a weight that can't be countered. Balance is about perfection, and last time I checked, I still wasn't able to achieve perfection on my own.
Then I had a thought. This was another one of those, as I close my eyes, trying to sleep for the night, my mind won't stop, thoughts. I sat up, and really had to consider it....
Did Jesus live a life that culturally would have been considered balanced?
I have to guess, from what we know of His life, that no, He did not. We know from scripture (Matt. 4:1-11) that Jesus went into the wilderness and fasted forty days and forty nights. I believe that Jesus was not eating or drinking. He didn't just give up sweets, or fried foods, or Facebook. He was not eating or drinking - for forty days and forty nights. Enter: Balance...where? I can't see it. He was tempted by the devil to turn rocks into food, He was tempted to prove Himself as the Son of God, He was tempted to worship Satan in trade for the glory of the kingdoms of the world. Starving, in a way that I can only imagine, He faithfully resisted the devil and He sent Satan away from Him. What about that speaks of balance? No balanced meals, no balancing work with the call of God on His life. He was called into the wilderness for a time of what I imagine to be profound growth and preparation for what was to come. He was focused, but I don't see balance in this picture.
How about Matt. 4:18-20? Jesus called two brothers, Simon called Peter and Andrew, who were fishermen, to leave their life's work, their careers, to follow Him. Enter: Balance...again I ask, where? He didn't ask them to work 40 hours a week instead of 50...He didn't ask them to devote an hour on Wednesday night to Him. He didn't ask for lip service, He asked for life service. He didn't want to be balanced in the midst of a prosperous career, a healthy family life, the right shows on TV, the right night to go to church. He wanted to be the center of it all and He wanted them to live with their focus on following Him.
How about Matt. 14:15-21 when the 5000 men, not including women and children, had followed Him to the desert, listening intently to His words? He didn't stop them all and send them to pack a picnic, He didn't stop feeding their spirits so that they could go feed their bodies. Enter: Balance....you got it, where? He didn't stop meeting their deep inner needs to worry about their bodies. Granted, He was Jesus and He performed a miracle, but He was more concerned about their hearts than their stomachs.
Or how about the Savior of the world, hanging on a cross, condemned, taking all of the sin of the world, paying the price for every sin we've ever committed, yet having lived an innocent life? He had not sinned before God, not once. Yet, He died for all, and more personally, He died for me. He had a calling on His life, one that required Him to live an out-of-balance life, yet He lived it perfectly. He knew that His power came from the Father, and He was at all times giving His Father the glory that is rightly His.
So today, as we are pressured to find the right balance, let me challenge you to tap into the source of power Himself, pray earnestly. Let God fill you to overflowing, and let Him draw you out of your balancing act. Let Him guide your steps, and follow His calling on your life. Don't let the cultural drive to make life a balancing act become a distraction from what God has for you. See, the devil is a master at changing our focus, because he knows that when we connect with God and live into our God-given, God-glorifying potential, that he will be squashed. The devil holds no more power over us than we allow him, yet he is a master of disguise. It's not often that the devil will tempt us with something so boldly labeled as sin, with a neon light flashing "Disobey God!" - because most of us would run away, or cast him out with the name of Jesus. The devil is powerless against the name of Jesus.
The devil is a master of distraction. He knows if he can slow you down, if he can shift your focus, if he can captivate your attention, then you will not live into the power that God is ready and waiting to give you. He knows that if you are distracted then you will not be as effective in the body of Christ, the church, your family, or ministry. If he can distract you, then he can prevent the salvation of another. He knows that once you're saved he can't erase the grace that God has covered you with, but he does know that once you're saved, if you live your life ineffectively, if you live your life distracted, he can prevent you from bringing another person to the grace of God, to the gift of salvation.
So, is balance a necessity or a distraction? What other distractions have you struggled with? What distractions have you overcome?
Also defined: : to arrange so that one set of elements exactly equals another
We all strive for balance don't we? I know many times I've said "I just need more balance in my life." It all becomes a balancing act. How much time can I devote to homeschooling, while still keeping up with my house? How much time can I spend online while still keeping up with my work? How much money can I spend without digging us deeper into the pit of debt? How much time can I let my children spend watching TV, so I can accomplish something around the house, while still fostering in them the desire to play and use their own imaginations? How much time can I devote to volunteering while still caring for my family? How many nights can we have a pre-arranged obligation (sports, dance, small groups, etc.) and how many nights should we be home? Where do I fit in time to read my Bible? Pray? Exercise? Shower? Change every one's sheets? Switch the laundry?
Then there is the challenge to eat balanced meals! And no one agrees on what that is. Meat, no meat, one vegetable or two, whole grain or not, 3 ounces or 4?
The strain that living a balanced life places on us is at times like a weight that can't be countered. Balance is about perfection, and last time I checked, I still wasn't able to achieve perfection on my own.
Then I had a thought. This was another one of those, as I close my eyes, trying to sleep for the night, my mind won't stop, thoughts. I sat up, and really had to consider it....
Did Jesus live a life that culturally would have been considered balanced?
I have to guess, from what we know of His life, that no, He did not. We know from scripture (Matt. 4:1-11) that Jesus went into the wilderness and fasted forty days and forty nights. I believe that Jesus was not eating or drinking. He didn't just give up sweets, or fried foods, or Facebook. He was not eating or drinking - for forty days and forty nights. Enter: Balance...where? I can't see it. He was tempted by the devil to turn rocks into food, He was tempted to prove Himself as the Son of God, He was tempted to worship Satan in trade for the glory of the kingdoms of the world. Starving, in a way that I can only imagine, He faithfully resisted the devil and He sent Satan away from Him. What about that speaks of balance? No balanced meals, no balancing work with the call of God on His life. He was called into the wilderness for a time of what I imagine to be profound growth and preparation for what was to come. He was focused, but I don't see balance in this picture.
How about Matt. 4:18-20? Jesus called two brothers, Simon called Peter and Andrew, who were fishermen, to leave their life's work, their careers, to follow Him. Enter: Balance...again I ask, where? He didn't ask them to work 40 hours a week instead of 50...He didn't ask them to devote an hour on Wednesday night to Him. He didn't ask for lip service, He asked for life service. He didn't want to be balanced in the midst of a prosperous career, a healthy family life, the right shows on TV, the right night to go to church. He wanted to be the center of it all and He wanted them to live with their focus on following Him.
How about Matt. 14:15-21 when the 5000 men, not including women and children, had followed Him to the desert, listening intently to His words? He didn't stop them all and send them to pack a picnic, He didn't stop feeding their spirits so that they could go feed their bodies. Enter: Balance....you got it, where? He didn't stop meeting their deep inner needs to worry about their bodies. Granted, He was Jesus and He performed a miracle, but He was more concerned about their hearts than their stomachs.
Or how about the Savior of the world, hanging on a cross, condemned, taking all of the sin of the world, paying the price for every sin we've ever committed, yet having lived an innocent life? He had not sinned before God, not once. Yet, He died for all, and more personally, He died for me. He had a calling on His life, one that required Him to live an out-of-balance life, yet He lived it perfectly. He knew that His power came from the Father, and He was at all times giving His Father the glory that is rightly His.
So today, as we are pressured to find the right balance, let me challenge you to tap into the source of power Himself, pray earnestly. Let God fill you to overflowing, and let Him draw you out of your balancing act. Let Him guide your steps, and follow His calling on your life. Don't let the cultural drive to make life a balancing act become a distraction from what God has for you. See, the devil is a master at changing our focus, because he knows that when we connect with God and live into our God-given, God-glorifying potential, that he will be squashed. The devil holds no more power over us than we allow him, yet he is a master of disguise. It's not often that the devil will tempt us with something so boldly labeled as sin, with a neon light flashing "Disobey God!" - because most of us would run away, or cast him out with the name of Jesus. The devil is powerless against the name of Jesus.
The devil is a master of distraction. He knows if he can slow you down, if he can shift your focus, if he can captivate your attention, then you will not live into the power that God is ready and waiting to give you. He knows that if you are distracted then you will not be as effective in the body of Christ, the church, your family, or ministry. If he can distract you, then he can prevent the salvation of another. He knows that once you're saved he can't erase the grace that God has covered you with, but he does know that once you're saved, if you live your life ineffectively, if you live your life distracted, he can prevent you from bringing another person to the grace of God, to the gift of salvation.
So, is balance a necessity or a distraction? What other distractions have you struggled with? What distractions have you overcome?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Spelling words & creating structure
Asher's favorite thing about school is spelling words and spelling tests. He loves getting new words to practice, and he loves when I write 100% in red next to a sticker or a smile-y face. It makes his day. He spends all week practicing those words so he can get them right. It is really cute - and mirrors my own love of words and spelling, writing and reading.
Isaiah, on the other hand, is very hands on. He needs projects and games to help him learn. Let me tell you - this is so not my style it is a challenge, and at times, a frustration. I'm a book smart kinda girl. Give me a book and I will master the subject matter. I have had the opportunity in my life to hear a few lectures, and that is great with me too. I don't really require hands on, although a few times I have gained a deeper understanding by putting into action something I have learned, it's not necessary for me on a regular basis.
Suddenly, I'm faced with the realization that homeschooling will not be what I thought it would. See, the way I remember it, Mom provided a solid curriculum, helped with regular tests, and a lot of the study time was on my own. Mom didn't stand there lecturing, I read, studied, and tested. She administered the tests, but most of the study was self guided (with requirements on number of pages/lessons/chapters completed per day/week). Of course, I was in the third grade when we started, and I'm pretty sure I was reading very fluently then, so it's a little easier to "self-guide" when you can read an entire text book. I doubt, however that even when Isaiah is reading he will be the self-guided student that I remember being.
I've also realized that projects are fun. I want to take the kids places to encourage their understanding of history and geography, I want to watch them build things, and apply science to fun, at home projects. I want to foster in them a love and a passion for learning. I want them to understand that God gave us this beautiful world to explore, and I want them to understand that all things point to Him for His glory.
I want them to discover what they are passionate about, and I want to give them the strength to pursue it. I want to watch them blossom, and I pray that God would give me the wisdom, strength, patience and perseverance to do just that.
So, today I am reviewing plans for the week, building a better structure, preparing to do more guiding, and trying to find ways to draw my children both into the process of learning. They are only 16 months apart in age, and some days that doesn't seem like much, and other days it feels like they are worlds apart.
I thank God for the opportunity to educate my children at home. I pray that He gives me exactly what I need to share with them, and that He opens their hearts and minds wide to learn about the beautiful world He created for us!
Isaiah, on the other hand, is very hands on. He needs projects and games to help him learn. Let me tell you - this is so not my style it is a challenge, and at times, a frustration. I'm a book smart kinda girl. Give me a book and I will master the subject matter. I have had the opportunity in my life to hear a few lectures, and that is great with me too. I don't really require hands on, although a few times I have gained a deeper understanding by putting into action something I have learned, it's not necessary for me on a regular basis.
Suddenly, I'm faced with the realization that homeschooling will not be what I thought it would. See, the way I remember it, Mom provided a solid curriculum, helped with regular tests, and a lot of the study time was on my own. Mom didn't stand there lecturing, I read, studied, and tested. She administered the tests, but most of the study was self guided (with requirements on number of pages/lessons/chapters completed per day/week). Of course, I was in the third grade when we started, and I'm pretty sure I was reading very fluently then, so it's a little easier to "self-guide" when you can read an entire text book. I doubt, however that even when Isaiah is reading he will be the self-guided student that I remember being.
I've also realized that projects are fun. I want to take the kids places to encourage their understanding of history and geography, I want to watch them build things, and apply science to fun, at home projects. I want to foster in them a love and a passion for learning. I want them to understand that God gave us this beautiful world to explore, and I want them to understand that all things point to Him for His glory.
I want them to discover what they are passionate about, and I want to give them the strength to pursue it. I want to watch them blossom, and I pray that God would give me the wisdom, strength, patience and perseverance to do just that.
So, today I am reviewing plans for the week, building a better structure, preparing to do more guiding, and trying to find ways to draw my children both into the process of learning. They are only 16 months apart in age, and some days that doesn't seem like much, and other days it feels like they are worlds apart.
I thank God for the opportunity to educate my children at home. I pray that He gives me exactly what I need to share with them, and that He opens their hearts and minds wide to learn about the beautiful world He created for us!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Influence, Impact, Effect
We all have it, whether we are aware of it or not. We all influence people around us. We have a direct impact on their lives, We have a profound and deep effect them. Let me challenge you to become intentionally aware of the influence you have, and do not doubt how far reaching that may be.
I've had several reasons to begin thinking about this. The first started with my recent stay in the hospital. People were impacted by me being ill than I had ever considered. The number of people concerned about me, praying for me, hoping for my recovery, astounded me. I have come to realize I am a social person, and I love to talk to people, but I didn't realize how many people truly took notice of, and cared about me.
A heartfelt thank you goes out to all of you. I thank God for you, for your prayers, your love, your notice, attention, and support. You are a blessing to me!
The next big reason I've been thinking about my "circle" of influence is because we are considering moving. I've made a comfortable life here, I love the culture here, and I have many reservations about leaving. I have people that come to my mind immediately that I would miss deeply. I also then have people that I don't encounter frequently, but when I do, I am always blessed. One such lady, a woman who works at the local library, is so dear. She has always been so kind, and helpful. I always look forward to seeing her when I'm at the library. I love to visit with her. Every day I'm presented with a new consideration for people that I will miss, and I truly believe the scope of it won't fully hit me until I've been gone for a few weeks.
This also got me thinking about how God wants to use me to minister to others. I wonder, how many times has someone been watching me, without me even realizing it, and did I shine for the glory of God? Did God receive praise because of me, or did I further some one's doubts or insecurities. Oh Lord, please put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! I don't want to plant doubt, or grow insecurity. I want to shine Your light so bright that You would receive all the glory, honor, and praise forevermore. I want to reflect the love of Christ in my words and actions.
I challenge you, as we are all working on growing and making changes for the New Year, examine your heart. Recognize that your influence reaches beyond yourself and what you realize, and please turn on your light, shine for Christ, you never know who is watching!
I've had several reasons to begin thinking about this. The first started with my recent stay in the hospital. People were impacted by me being ill than I had ever considered. The number of people concerned about me, praying for me, hoping for my recovery, astounded me. I have come to realize I am a social person, and I love to talk to people, but I didn't realize how many people truly took notice of, and cared about me.
A heartfelt thank you goes out to all of you. I thank God for you, for your prayers, your love, your notice, attention, and support. You are a blessing to me!
The next big reason I've been thinking about my "circle" of influence is because we are considering moving. I've made a comfortable life here, I love the culture here, and I have many reservations about leaving. I have people that come to my mind immediately that I would miss deeply. I also then have people that I don't encounter frequently, but when I do, I am always blessed. One such lady, a woman who works at the local library, is so dear. She has always been so kind, and helpful. I always look forward to seeing her when I'm at the library. I love to visit with her. Every day I'm presented with a new consideration for people that I will miss, and I truly believe the scope of it won't fully hit me until I've been gone for a few weeks.
This also got me thinking about how God wants to use me to minister to others. I wonder, how many times has someone been watching me, without me even realizing it, and did I shine for the glory of God? Did God receive praise because of me, or did I further some one's doubts or insecurities. Oh Lord, please put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! I don't want to plant doubt, or grow insecurity. I want to shine Your light so bright that You would receive all the glory, honor, and praise forevermore. I want to reflect the love of Christ in my words and actions.
I challenge you, as we are all working on growing and making changes for the New Year, examine your heart. Recognize that your influence reaches beyond yourself and what you realize, and please turn on your light, shine for Christ, you never know who is watching!
I've never liked red brick, can I be pinkish-grey instead?
Ever have one of those annoying personalities in your life, that once you get them started it's impossible to shut them up again? Let me tell you something profound, you are a brick wall, and a debilitating, frustrating one at that. Don't stop reading. I'm writing this from one brick wall to another. Yes, I am a brick wall. And my brick wall attitude has hurt the “once s/he starts, s/he doesn't stop” personalities in my life.
I have stopped creative flow, emotional outpouring, excited stories, and other heart felt communications, simply because I didn't want to let someone get started, because I didn't have the time or energy to hear them through. Selfish, isn't it? When it hit me that I was doing this to people around me, well, honestly, this hit me when I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and the talker that I affect the most was apologizing for being wide awake and just “blah, blah, blah” (while making a talking motion with his hand). I dutifully got up to write this post, because for one, it was profound to me, and two, I won't remember everything I wanted to say tomorrow morning. Definitely a moment when I wished I kept my technology closer at hand, and brought the laptop to my bedroom at night – because my talker is trying very hard to not talk while I write, and it's going to drive him crazy.
Let me encourage you, my brick wall friend, because brick walls can be taken down. Now, this is hard work. No matter how you go about it – you can get out the sledge hammer and knock it down, or you can use a chisel and carve out the mortar until the bricks come free. Either way is going to be hard work, and it will take dedication. Pray my dear friends, and let God help you deconstruct your brick wall-attitude, because the people in your life that are hard to get stopped once they've started need you, and they need your support. They need to share their hopes and dreams, they need to share their hurts, they need to share their life, and God put them in your life for a reason. Slow down, and let them share, you will be blessed in ways you never saw coming, and you will grow to look more like Christ as you learn to honor God with each of your actions and each of your encounters.
I have stopped creative flow, emotional outpouring, excited stories, and other heart felt communications, simply because I didn't want to let someone get started, because I didn't have the time or energy to hear them through. Selfish, isn't it? When it hit me that I was doing this to people around me, well, honestly, this hit me when I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and the talker that I affect the most was apologizing for being wide awake and just “blah, blah, blah” (while making a talking motion with his hand). I dutifully got up to write this post, because for one, it was profound to me, and two, I won't remember everything I wanted to say tomorrow morning. Definitely a moment when I wished I kept my technology closer at hand, and brought the laptop to my bedroom at night – because my talker is trying very hard to not talk while I write, and it's going to drive him crazy.
Let me encourage you, my brick wall friend, because brick walls can be taken down. Now, this is hard work. No matter how you go about it – you can get out the sledge hammer and knock it down, or you can use a chisel and carve out the mortar until the bricks come free. Either way is going to be hard work, and it will take dedication. Pray my dear friends, and let God help you deconstruct your brick wall-attitude, because the people in your life that are hard to get stopped once they've started need you, and they need your support. They need to share their hopes and dreams, they need to share their hurts, they need to share their life, and God put them in your life for a reason. Slow down, and let them share, you will be blessed in ways you never saw coming, and you will grow to look more like Christ as you learn to honor God with each of your actions and each of your encounters.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Pity Party: Canceled!
That's right, there's no pity party here tonight. You are free to attend your other plans, turn around, go home, I've already put up the tissues, the snacks are not out, and I won't entertain this poor-me party atmosphere one more second.
I've had enough of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Now, I have one small interjection. I know God just saved my life, and I am thankful to still be enjoying my family and still here for and with them. However, this has put a huge financial strain on us, unlike anything I've ever experienced.
I don't like to be stressed out, and I certainly don't like wondering when or if I can pay my bills. But my focus shifted today. I haven't been writing because every time I try to write a blog, all I do is whine into this space about my pitiful self, and I don't like reading it, so I don't post it.
Tonight, however, I'm feeling encouraged. God has been speaking to me, tugging on my heart, calling me back to an attitude of prayer. He's been reminding me all day of things I used to pray for, and how much different those things looked when I did pray for and about them. I love that God loves me and is patient with me, because I am dense.
Side note: I got to work on my house today, and housework has never made me so happy. I cleaned up the living room, opened the windows and got some fresh air in the house, and worked on some laundry. It felt so good to move around, to care for my little home, and to be doing something. My heart was genuinely happy about the work and my body was equally as thankful for the movement - although I can feel it now.
Back to what God is doing: He is calling me back to the patience I once offered my children. He is calling me to press into Him, and lead my boys to do the same. We prayed at dinner time tonight, and at bed time, and we read from Proverbs before bed. I didn't realize how many of those things I'd let slide. I lost my focus and was not working to raise up my children in the Lord - not the way He has called me to. I want to do better. I want my children to have faith in God, I want them to live to serve Him, to rely on Him, to trust Him with their whole lives. I also want them to live with Him as their guide, their compass in this world, and their comfort everyday.
So, my goal, as God grows me, stretches me, consumes me, guides me, calls me, tugs on my heart, and gives me a comfort and peace unlike any I've known, is that I would focus solely on Him, and as I do so, that He would guide me to raise my boys to do the same. I will turn my voice toward heaven, and lift up my praises, my cares, my concerns, my fears, my thanks....my life...to Him in prayer.
Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast."
I've had enough of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Now, I have one small interjection. I know God just saved my life, and I am thankful to still be enjoying my family and still here for and with them. However, this has put a huge financial strain on us, unlike anything I've ever experienced.
I don't like to be stressed out, and I certainly don't like wondering when or if I can pay my bills. But my focus shifted today. I haven't been writing because every time I try to write a blog, all I do is whine into this space about my pitiful self, and I don't like reading it, so I don't post it.
Tonight, however, I'm feeling encouraged. God has been speaking to me, tugging on my heart, calling me back to an attitude of prayer. He's been reminding me all day of things I used to pray for, and how much different those things looked when I did pray for and about them. I love that God loves me and is patient with me, because I am dense.
Side note: I got to work on my house today, and housework has never made me so happy. I cleaned up the living room, opened the windows and got some fresh air in the house, and worked on some laundry. It felt so good to move around, to care for my little home, and to be doing something. My heart was genuinely happy about the work and my body was equally as thankful for the movement - although I can feel it now.
Back to what God is doing: He is calling me back to the patience I once offered my children. He is calling me to press into Him, and lead my boys to do the same. We prayed at dinner time tonight, and at bed time, and we read from Proverbs before bed. I didn't realize how many of those things I'd let slide. I lost my focus and was not working to raise up my children in the Lord - not the way He has called me to. I want to do better. I want my children to have faith in God, I want them to live to serve Him, to rely on Him, to trust Him with their whole lives. I also want them to live with Him as their guide, their compass in this world, and their comfort everyday.
So, my goal, as God grows me, stretches me, consumes me, guides me, calls me, tugs on my heart, and gives me a comfort and peace unlike any I've known, is that I would focus solely on Him, and as I do so, that He would guide me to raise my boys to do the same. I will turn my voice toward heaven, and lift up my praises, my cares, my concerns, my fears, my thanks....my life...to Him in prayer.
Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast."
And a picture I was blessed with getting to take this evening:
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Making the right choice
As I was doing a breathing treatment I went to one of the most recent blogs I'm following:
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/
As I was reading and wandering around I found her post:
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/2009/02/are-google-ads-really-worth-it/
I was inspired to come back over to my blog and read the ads - honestly, I hadn't considered what might be on them. I didn't figure people ever paid attention to those ads. I was shocked. The ad blaring on the side of my page was for an organization I certainly wouldn't support, and I have taken the ads off my blog.
I have to say, I am thankful for the eye opener. I also thought to myself and half prayed, but God, I want to turn this blogging thing into something that makes my family some income. I'm not looking for get rich quick, or to even become a millionare, but we need some extra help right now, and as traffic is increasing, maybe my blog could be a blessing to us. You know what He said to my heart... "Keep writing, child."
So I'm going to do just that. I love to write. I'm learning as I'm doing more of it, I have a passion for words. I want to expand my vocabulary, I want to expand my subject knowledge. I want to write about life, lessons, love, parenting, grief, I want to write devotions. I want to write books. Devotional books, novels, I'm not sure yet. I need to start asking God for more guidance, but I know I love to write. I also know that God created me to be unique and if this passion for writing is from Him, then He will do great things with it.
I think it is so fitting that when I'm worried about money, I get the opportunity to make choices. I can try to make a few extra dollars advertising for companies I would NEVER support....or I can choose to live for God and realize that right now, my blog is simply for the purpose of expressing myself, and yet God's response was to keep writing.
Tonight, I wonder to my Daddy, my God, my Creator....what do you have in store? I am so curious now...and I will continue to write, may my words bring You all the glory and honor and praise, and may I bless those that read the story of my life...
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/
As I was reading and wandering around I found her post:
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/2009/02/are-google-ads-really-worth-it/
I was inspired to come back over to my blog and read the ads - honestly, I hadn't considered what might be on them. I didn't figure people ever paid attention to those ads. I was shocked. The ad blaring on the side of my page was for an organization I certainly wouldn't support, and I have taken the ads off my blog.
I have to say, I am thankful for the eye opener. I also thought to myself and half prayed, but God, I want to turn this blogging thing into something that makes my family some income. I'm not looking for get rich quick, or to even become a millionare, but we need some extra help right now, and as traffic is increasing, maybe my blog could be a blessing to us. You know what He said to my heart... "Keep writing, child."
So I'm going to do just that. I love to write. I'm learning as I'm doing more of it, I have a passion for words. I want to expand my vocabulary, I want to expand my subject knowledge. I want to write about life, lessons, love, parenting, grief, I want to write devotions. I want to write books. Devotional books, novels, I'm not sure yet. I need to start asking God for more guidance, but I know I love to write. I also know that God created me to be unique and if this passion for writing is from Him, then He will do great things with it.
I think it is so fitting that when I'm worried about money, I get the opportunity to make choices. I can try to make a few extra dollars advertising for companies I would NEVER support....or I can choose to live for God and realize that right now, my blog is simply for the purpose of expressing myself, and yet God's response was to keep writing.
Tonight, I wonder to my Daddy, my God, my Creator....what do you have in store? I am so curious now...and I will continue to write, may my words bring You all the glory and honor and praise, and may I bless those that read the story of my life...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tithing
Please hear my heart as you read this post and know that this is a work God has done in my heart and my life. This is all for His glory, to His glory, because of His glory...I am just a clay pot, there are runs in my paint, I droop at the sides, but I am on the Potter's wheel, and when I let Him do the molding, and let Him add and take away water, I turn into something beautiful in the Creator's hands....too often though, I seem to be a clay pot with the notion that I can form myself...
Stacy and I started dating in 2002, in November. By February of 2003 we had moved to Oklahoma, and were attending Journey Church. We joined a premarital small group, lead by Brad Baker, and were attending church regularly. I'm not sure I even know why we ended up talking about tithing, heck I don't even remember the conversation. I do remember we decided to be intentional about tithing the first 10% of our income, all sources, and it became a priority.
As two kids, out on our own, living together unmarried, I think back and think we probably didn't have much to give. I was waiting tables, Stacy laid tile a couple times a month. We certainly weren't walking perfect Christian lives (I did say we lived together, unmarried, didn't I?), but we had decided to honor God with our money. I saw God do a miracle then, that got our insurance paid, and literally involved money appearing in thin air. I was there, it happened, I swear. I checked the INSURANCE envelope three times. THREE times. We didn't have enough for the insurance....then Stacy said I should check again, and as pissed as I was, I did. We were $18 short...and there was a $20 in there...in my book that was $2 for a 10% tithe...and the $18...and I knew God put that money there. I kept my envelopes very secure, and only Stacy & I knew we didn't have that money.
I cried. A lot. God paid my insurance, and I really wasn't sure He even noticed us. I was sure then....for a minute.
We moved back to Colorado in February of 2004, and as such weren't plugged into a church home. We began mailing our tithe to K-love Radio, since that was about the most Christian thing in our life. We got married in June, and that four months out of church was taking its toll on us. We were still sending our tithe to K-Love, but it was getting harder to be more intentional about it.
As a newly married couple, we decided to move back to Oklahoma. We had friends in Colorado that we needed to get away from, and we wanted to get plugged back into church. We continued being intentional about tithing, and we attended small group, and I was volunteering in the children's ministry at Journey Church.
Stacy got blessed with a phenomenally great job, and I got to attend City College and get my Medical Coding certificate. Our life continued to move forward as we grew in love, and in faith. We also took on some credit card debt - but let me make certain that you know it was not out of need, it was just instant gratification at its best. Our credit card never kept us off the street, it just kept gadgets at hand...unnecessary, expensive gadgets.
I finished up school summer of 2005, and right about the time of our first anniversary we found out we were expecting our first kidlet! What a joy that was, and I got to start staying home right away. So much for all that education and those loans....but we were going to be parents, and I was on top of the world.
Still tithing....
Fast forward through a second pregnancy, and we have two kids, and life goes horribly wrong. Stacy and I get a divorce. For the first time since 2002, I had my "own" finances. I got a job. My kids went to daycare. And I knew I must continue tithing. I had to trust God to get my through. There was some time in there that I didn't think I'd be receiving child support - but Stacy always came through with it. I don't think he had a choice. I mean, I'm sure with free will and all that he did...but I think God made sure it was there.
I got promoted, I started making more money at work, I got my own apartment. Still forward progress. Still tithing.
My point is, God has ALWAYS made sure our bills were covered. This is the most uncertain time I've ever faced, financially speaking. Not to mention I almost died.... but God took me to the verses in Malachi where He promises His blessing, and promises to rebuke the devourer, and those promises are to me. I have been obedient.
This doesn't mean I won't waiver again, and I'll have my doubts and my fears, because I am still human, and I'm not very good at trusting. However, honoring God with my money will still be my priority, and when I'm writing about the answers to this financial crisis, you will get to see with me just how faithful our God really is.
And if you think tithing seems crazy, know that it works. It is an act of worship, where we get to lay down our money before God and make Him more important then everything else in this world...and for those of you that know how I am about paying my bills, and my money, and never being without it, and all the careful planning and yes, even stress, I put into my bills, it is also one of the areas that God continually grows me, in faith, in trust, and in knowing Him, and knowing His desire to clothe, feed, and protect me.
And He does so much more! I've never picked between groceries and electricity....or electricity and a car payment....or a car payment and the credit card bill. I believe God is calling me to use the 90% better, and wiser, and to get rid of the debt, but that is another post. This post is dedicated to saying, He makes sure those bills are paid too...and I'm scared right now, but I'm holding my bible in my lap, reading in Malachi 3:7-15, and I'm going to stand on my solid Rock and Redeemer and trust Him again this month....even when mathematically it doesn't make sense....
Stacy and I started dating in 2002, in November. By February of 2003 we had moved to Oklahoma, and were attending Journey Church. We joined a premarital small group, lead by Brad Baker, and were attending church regularly. I'm not sure I even know why we ended up talking about tithing, heck I don't even remember the conversation. I do remember we decided to be intentional about tithing the first 10% of our income, all sources, and it became a priority.
As two kids, out on our own, living together unmarried, I think back and think we probably didn't have much to give. I was waiting tables, Stacy laid tile a couple times a month. We certainly weren't walking perfect Christian lives (I did say we lived together, unmarried, didn't I?), but we had decided to honor God with our money. I saw God do a miracle then, that got our insurance paid, and literally involved money appearing in thin air. I was there, it happened, I swear. I checked the INSURANCE envelope three times. THREE times. We didn't have enough for the insurance....then Stacy said I should check again, and as pissed as I was, I did. We were $18 short...and there was a $20 in there...in my book that was $2 for a 10% tithe...and the $18...and I knew God put that money there. I kept my envelopes very secure, and only Stacy & I knew we didn't have that money.
I cried. A lot. God paid my insurance, and I really wasn't sure He even noticed us. I was sure then....for a minute.
We moved back to Colorado in February of 2004, and as such weren't plugged into a church home. We began mailing our tithe to K-love Radio, since that was about the most Christian thing in our life. We got married in June, and that four months out of church was taking its toll on us. We were still sending our tithe to K-Love, but it was getting harder to be more intentional about it.
As a newly married couple, we decided to move back to Oklahoma. We had friends in Colorado that we needed to get away from, and we wanted to get plugged back into church. We continued being intentional about tithing, and we attended small group, and I was volunteering in the children's ministry at Journey Church.
Stacy got blessed with a phenomenally great job, and I got to attend City College and get my Medical Coding certificate. Our life continued to move forward as we grew in love, and in faith. We also took on some credit card debt - but let me make certain that you know it was not out of need, it was just instant gratification at its best. Our credit card never kept us off the street, it just kept gadgets at hand...unnecessary, expensive gadgets.
I finished up school summer of 2005, and right about the time of our first anniversary we found out we were expecting our first kidlet! What a joy that was, and I got to start staying home right away. So much for all that education and those loans....but we were going to be parents, and I was on top of the world.
Still tithing....
Fast forward through a second pregnancy, and we have two kids, and life goes horribly wrong. Stacy and I get a divorce. For the first time since 2002, I had my "own" finances. I got a job. My kids went to daycare. And I knew I must continue tithing. I had to trust God to get my through. There was some time in there that I didn't think I'd be receiving child support - but Stacy always came through with it. I don't think he had a choice. I mean, I'm sure with free will and all that he did...but I think God made sure it was there.
I got promoted, I started making more money at work, I got my own apartment. Still forward progress. Still tithing.
My point is, God has ALWAYS made sure our bills were covered. This is the most uncertain time I've ever faced, financially speaking. Not to mention I almost died.... but God took me to the verses in Malachi where He promises His blessing, and promises to rebuke the devourer, and those promises are to me. I have been obedient.
This doesn't mean I won't waiver again, and I'll have my doubts and my fears, because I am still human, and I'm not very good at trusting. However, honoring God with my money will still be my priority, and when I'm writing about the answers to this financial crisis, you will get to see with me just how faithful our God really is.
And if you think tithing seems crazy, know that it works. It is an act of worship, where we get to lay down our money before God and make Him more important then everything else in this world...and for those of you that know how I am about paying my bills, and my money, and never being without it, and all the careful planning and yes, even stress, I put into my bills, it is also one of the areas that God continually grows me, in faith, in trust, and in knowing Him, and knowing His desire to clothe, feed, and protect me.
And He does so much more! I've never picked between groceries and electricity....or electricity and a car payment....or a car payment and the credit card bill. I believe God is calling me to use the 90% better, and wiser, and to get rid of the debt, but that is another post. This post is dedicated to saying, He makes sure those bills are paid too...and I'm scared right now, but I'm holding my bible in my lap, reading in Malachi 3:7-15, and I'm going to stand on my solid Rock and Redeemer and trust Him again this month....even when mathematically it doesn't make sense....
Trust....
Today I revise my statement that the biggest lesson is life being what we make it. God is calling me to trust.
He called me to trust Him with my health, which as we know He came through. He brought me through an amazingly hard ordeal, and He is healing my body more and more every day. A week ago today I was NOT breathing on my own - there was a tube in my throat, pumping air into my lungs for me because I just couldn't do it on my own. Praise God for the technology, then for the fact that I survived the technology, and am at home a week later, blogging, sitting on my couch, recovering.
He called me to trust Him with my new year. MY NEW YEAR. The one I had big plans for. The one that I was organizing, arranging, planning for. He stopped my plans, changed my focus, and asked me to trust Him for the coming year.
He also taught me the value of a day....in the course of a week. He is really working in my an understanding of not knowing how many days we have, and how much we are blessed to accomplish in a day. We have so many opportunities to serve and love, every day, and God doesn't want us to miss those because we are planning for a year.
He called me to trust Him with my children. I've been at attachment parenting, baby wearing, my kids never leave me, kind of Mom most of my life as a mom. The boys never go anywhere, other than when they were going to visit Stacy, which was hard. I didn't like having them somewhere other than home, ever. Guess what? God took such good care of my boys. He used wonderfully loving people to do so, and my boys felt all the love in the world as they spent a week with their Pop & Grandma. Talk about a huge lesson, and God put my heart at ease and I am thankful for the help and love shown for my boys!
Now it's money. I feel like it's all going to come crashing in as we run out of the money we already had. I expected Stacy go back to work today and he didn't. I don't want to start loosing things because I got sick. I feel so bad for getting so sick and I feel like it's going to mess everything up. I don't want to make late payments. God keeps saying Trust me, and I keep pointing at the mess on my screen saying "BUT WE DON'T HAVE THAT!!" and sure, money came from thin air, and there was cash in my wallet that Stacy spent. I know God put that there. But somehow that seems different then all the bills getting paid this month. It's not really. So God is calling me to trust Him so more, and this afternoon I'm sitting here at my computer, being honest with you and telling you, this is hard. I made a choice today though, I paid the tithes instead of saving that money for a bill, and I expect that God will do a miracle with that money. He will touch someones life, He will bless them, and He will do a miracle. and I was obedient.
Thank you God for these lessons in trust....give me the strength I need to trust You each day, with each and every thing (good or bad) that I face.
He called me to trust Him with my health, which as we know He came through. He brought me through an amazingly hard ordeal, and He is healing my body more and more every day. A week ago today I was NOT breathing on my own - there was a tube in my throat, pumping air into my lungs for me because I just couldn't do it on my own. Praise God for the technology, then for the fact that I survived the technology, and am at home a week later, blogging, sitting on my couch, recovering.
He called me to trust Him with my new year. MY NEW YEAR. The one I had big plans for. The one that I was organizing, arranging, planning for. He stopped my plans, changed my focus, and asked me to trust Him for the coming year.
He also taught me the value of a day....in the course of a week. He is really working in my an understanding of not knowing how many days we have, and how much we are blessed to accomplish in a day. We have so many opportunities to serve and love, every day, and God doesn't want us to miss those because we are planning for a year.
He called me to trust Him with my children. I've been at attachment parenting, baby wearing, my kids never leave me, kind of Mom most of my life as a mom. The boys never go anywhere, other than when they were going to visit Stacy, which was hard. I didn't like having them somewhere other than home, ever. Guess what? God took such good care of my boys. He used wonderfully loving people to do so, and my boys felt all the love in the world as they spent a week with their Pop & Grandma. Talk about a huge lesson, and God put my heart at ease and I am thankful for the help and love shown for my boys!
Now it's money. I feel like it's all going to come crashing in as we run out of the money we already had. I expected Stacy go back to work today and he didn't. I don't want to start loosing things because I got sick. I feel so bad for getting so sick and I feel like it's going to mess everything up. I don't want to make late payments. God keeps saying Trust me, and I keep pointing at the mess on my screen saying "BUT WE DON'T HAVE THAT!!" and sure, money came from thin air, and there was cash in my wallet that Stacy spent. I know God put that there. But somehow that seems different then all the bills getting paid this month. It's not really. So God is calling me to trust Him so more, and this afternoon I'm sitting here at my computer, being honest with you and telling you, this is hard. I made a choice today though, I paid the tithes instead of saving that money for a bill, and I expect that God will do a miracle with that money. He will touch someones life, He will bless them, and He will do a miracle. and I was obedient.
Thank you God for these lessons in trust....give me the strength I need to trust You each day, with each and every thing (good or bad) that I face.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
What you make of it!
I think the first and biggest lesson God is going to mold in my life through this stay at the hospital and this recovery process is: Life is what you make of it.
Talk about a hard blow... I started my new year out not even breathing on my own. I was working on forming some resolutions for the new year, I wanted to start off 2011 strong. I wanted to see new growth and progress in my life. I wanted to accomplish lots this year. Lets face it, a new year comes with a new hope and the expectation that we can improve our life. Not like the last day of one year and the first day of the new one ever really sparkle magically and bring instant transformation, but there is a hope that suggests something almost that magical.
I had a blog post...actually two, that I had really wanted to write, and now I honestly don't even remember what all I had to say. I had decided I was going to work on getting my weight down, and improving my health. I was going to eat better. I was going to take control.
Then I got slammed with the worst of the worst in the flu virus. I honestly almost died. I haven't been able to nail down a recent statistic, but one of the nurses told us that 10 years ago I had a 10 percent chance of coming off the ventilator alive and breathing on my own. When you consider that I was even going on a ventilator because I couldn't effectively breathe for myself - this all gets pretty overwhelming pretty fast.
At one point I thought I was going to die. I was sad for the people that I love, because I knew that nobody is ready for something like that. I have two beautiful boys, a snoozer-man, my mom, friends, church family, and I remember praying that God would give them all strength, but I was okay with going. I knew that from heaven I'd worship God with no sadness, and that I'd get to love on my Creator without a care or fear in the world. When I got scared, it was fear of being alive, stuck in a hospital bed, unable to fully or effectively communicate with the people around me.
God spoke to me even then, and reminded me that He didn't bring me to this to drop me off in the middle of no where by myself. He brought me to it, and was bringing me through it. I could choose to focus on Him, and on the blessings, or on the things that were less than pleasant. In these days following as I settle in to being home, and slowly regain strength, I have a choice. I can focus on how hard this is, or I can be thankful to be alive.
I didn't start out this new year with the gusto I had intended. But I'm still breathing. I had wanted to re work our budget, and now I'm not sure how this month is going to work out financially. But God has me here for a purpose. And the miracles I've seen this week are unfathomable. Money is a perfect example of one of the miracles. Stacy told me he'd used all of the cash in my wallet but just a few dollars. I tend to worry about finances/money/bills and was already working hard to remember to trust God about the hospital stay and everything. I was trying to add up in my head what cash I knew we had for groceries and gas and what bills we would be able to pay.
When I got into my wallet all of the cash we had was still there. Stacy knows for sure he took money out to put gas in the van to go back and forth between seeing the boys and the hospital. I know that God put that there to show me that He has this. Tomorrow morning is going to come around, Stacy is either going to still have a job or he is going to go find a job. One way or another he's going to be back to work, and God is not going to let us do without.
Our church family is coordinating some meals to help us out, and Stacy's family is helping with some groceries, and my mom bought some groceries and things that we needed as well, and I know that God put His very breath in me for a purpose, and I'm not going to let this world worry me.
I think it's what you make of it. I can worry, I can stop focusing on God, stop thanking Him, stop trusting. Or I can hold on to the hand of my Daddy who loves me and let Him carry me through this. I missed the first 4 days of this new year all together, I spent 8 days in the hospital, but it's alright. God's grace is new every day, every morning, and His love and mercy is refreshing me and growing me and calling me to make the most of 2011 - with the right perspective on Him and His will as opposed to me and mine.
Talk about a hard blow... I started my new year out not even breathing on my own. I was working on forming some resolutions for the new year, I wanted to start off 2011 strong. I wanted to see new growth and progress in my life. I wanted to accomplish lots this year. Lets face it, a new year comes with a new hope and the expectation that we can improve our life. Not like the last day of one year and the first day of the new one ever really sparkle magically and bring instant transformation, but there is a hope that suggests something almost that magical.
I had a blog post...actually two, that I had really wanted to write, and now I honestly don't even remember what all I had to say. I had decided I was going to work on getting my weight down, and improving my health. I was going to eat better. I was going to take control.
Then I got slammed with the worst of the worst in the flu virus. I honestly almost died. I haven't been able to nail down a recent statistic, but one of the nurses told us that 10 years ago I had a 10 percent chance of coming off the ventilator alive and breathing on my own. When you consider that I was even going on a ventilator because I couldn't effectively breathe for myself - this all gets pretty overwhelming pretty fast.
At one point I thought I was going to die. I was sad for the people that I love, because I knew that nobody is ready for something like that. I have two beautiful boys, a snoozer-man, my mom, friends, church family, and I remember praying that God would give them all strength, but I was okay with going. I knew that from heaven I'd worship God with no sadness, and that I'd get to love on my Creator without a care or fear in the world. When I got scared, it was fear of being alive, stuck in a hospital bed, unable to fully or effectively communicate with the people around me.
God spoke to me even then, and reminded me that He didn't bring me to this to drop me off in the middle of no where by myself. He brought me to it, and was bringing me through it. I could choose to focus on Him, and on the blessings, or on the things that were less than pleasant. In these days following as I settle in to being home, and slowly regain strength, I have a choice. I can focus on how hard this is, or I can be thankful to be alive.
I didn't start out this new year with the gusto I had intended. But I'm still breathing. I had wanted to re work our budget, and now I'm not sure how this month is going to work out financially. But God has me here for a purpose. And the miracles I've seen this week are unfathomable. Money is a perfect example of one of the miracles. Stacy told me he'd used all of the cash in my wallet but just a few dollars. I tend to worry about finances/money/bills and was already working hard to remember to trust God about the hospital stay and everything. I was trying to add up in my head what cash I knew we had for groceries and gas and what bills we would be able to pay.
When I got into my wallet all of the cash we had was still there. Stacy knows for sure he took money out to put gas in the van to go back and forth between seeing the boys and the hospital. I know that God put that there to show me that He has this. Tomorrow morning is going to come around, Stacy is either going to still have a job or he is going to go find a job. One way or another he's going to be back to work, and God is not going to let us do without.
Our church family is coordinating some meals to help us out, and Stacy's family is helping with some groceries, and my mom bought some groceries and things that we needed as well, and I know that God put His very breath in me for a purpose, and I'm not going to let this world worry me.
I think it's what you make of it. I can worry, I can stop focusing on God, stop thanking Him, stop trusting. Or I can hold on to the hand of my Daddy who loves me and let Him carry me through this. I missed the first 4 days of this new year all together, I spent 8 days in the hospital, but it's alright. God's grace is new every day, every morning, and His love and mercy is refreshing me and growing me and calling me to make the most of 2011 - with the right perspective on Him and His will as opposed to me and mine.
Waking up....
I left off yesterday with the tube out, and the sedation drugs worn off. They were adamant that I not try to speak, and I couldn't have anything to eat or drink for a while. I guess the tube was laying right against my vocal chords, and it does some stretching of the esophagus. Overall it wears out the throat to have that tube in there, and they said I'd probably have a very sore throat. Praise God, I didn't really have a sore throat. I was being very good, and very quiet. My nurse, Shawna, came in and asked me if I knew who I was and I nodded, and where I was and I pointed at the white board that had the name of the hospital. She was actually looking for me to speak to her, so I got to say my name and "St. Anthony's Hospital" then no more talking. But I got ICE CHIPS!
I hope ice chips are never so exciting to me again. It felt amazing, the cold ice in my hot, dry mouth. (The following is GROSS, be warned...but it's also funny.) As I was moving my mask out of the way, getting one little piece of ice at a time, thanking God for the refreshing coolness in my mouth I realized my lips felt weird. I flicked it with my tongue, kind of bit it with my teeth, then grabbed my lip with my fingers and pulled it off. I tried really hard to not be grossed out, and Stacy was trying to figure out what was freaking me out, and I told him my lip fell off. He laughed. My mom laughed. Thankfully, my lip hadn't fallen off, but this wax coating that they put on my lips to protect them. Whew...my lips were not falling off.
I still had some tubes and lots of wires and was stuck in that bed. They found blood in my urine and were concerned about that, so now a nephrologist was coming to see me. Tuesday was like a time warp, things went from "Whoa, it's been 4 days?" to it seemed like every minute was dragging by. In talking to my Mom though, it was just the opposite for her. The four days of waiting, wondering, hoping I'd breath on my own again, had been dragging by, and now things were moving along fast.
Wednesday I was still just getting ice chips, and they sent speech in. She came in with apple sauce and graham crackers. I had to swallow and say "ahhh" after every swallow. We tried regular water, thickened juice, the applesauce, and the graham crackers. Chew, swallow, "ahhh" - and she felt me swallow with her fingers. I passed - they brought me a lunch menu and I ordered a sandwich. I got to finish the applesauce she'd brought in and I had real food on its way!
My sandwich arrived and let me tell you, that was the best three bites of food I'd ever had. My tummy was full very fast, and I was exhausted. Luckily they have this fascinating IV nutrition, and they kept me on that until Thursday morning. I got to order dinner on Wednesday night - I ordered fajitas, but got quesadillas, but they were alright. Eating was pretty exhausting and couldn't eat very much.
Wednesday was a day of milestones! Tuesday they removed the ventilator tube and the stomach tube, then Wednesday I was eating on my own, they took me off the face mask to a nasal canula with oxy-mizer, and they moved me out of "the unit" - I went to a regular hospital room! Thursday morning I had finished the final bag of IV nutrition, so other than receiving one more dose of IV antibiotics my IV was just capped off in case they needed it to give me something. I actually had a fancy IV, a pick line. This line went in my right arm, all the way over to my heart, it was actually better than any IV I'd ever had, and they could draw blood from it, and put medicine in it - it was great. It cut down on all the needle sticks - and trust me I'd had plenty of them. My arms are very bruised and full of little holes, luckily they are all healing up fairly quickly.
Wednesday evening I got to see my kids! I was already thanking God for my life, then to see my kids again, sure did my heart good. It was also very hard. They weren't with me for 10 minutes and I was exhausted, and I knew I had a long way to go. I can't lift my oldest at all, and I can barely lift my youngest - I'd lost a lot of muscle mass and I am incredibly weak still.
Stacy brought the boys up again on Thursday for a couple of hours, then again on Friday.
They kept turning the oxygen down, and on Friday I got to walk to the cafeteria with Stacy, my mom and the boys. We got the boys some lunch, and hung out for a bit then went back up to my room. All that time, off the oxygen, and I was maintaining.
On Friday afternoon my mom came down to my apartment so she could shower and help get the house ready for me - and she did a great job. I haven't had to worry about chores since I got home and that has been very helpful. Shortly after she left, Stacy took the boys back to Pop and Grandma's, so I spent some time alone. I was an absolute wreck. I knew I was going to have a long road to full recovery, I was getting way too tired, way too easily, and Mom was leaving the next day. It was looking like I'd be going home, and I was thankful for the thought of being home in my bed, but the thought of Mom leaving was too much. I kept crying. I really wanted to pack up a suitcase and follow her with the boys.
Stacy came back and we watched TV, went down to the late night cafeteria, and just hung out. We stayed up kind of late, and I remember being super annoyed every time they woke me up for something. When I finally got up about 9am Saturday morning there was a note from Mom that she was on the road, we had been sleeping good and she didn't want to wake us up. I cried. And cried. In fact, I cried randomly throughout the day yesterday. I wasn't ready for her to go home yet, but I knew she needed to head that way - and it's not exactly responsible to pack up two kids, two suitcases, and leave the state.
They let me come home yesterday, and Mom made it home safe and sound. All the prayers for safe travel were answered, the weather was not too bad, and she made really great time - took about 13 hours for her to get home. It was good to know that my Mom was going to get to sleep in her home in her bed the same night as I was getting to sleep in my home in my bed, but it's Sunday and I'm still not ready for her to not be here.
Thankfully our heavenly Father offers us peace that transcends understanding, and every time I told Him my heart on the matter He gave me peace and comfort. I still miss my Momma, and I still want to find a solution to the miles between us, but I have peace from God, and I know He works all things together for those who believe in Him. I know God has a plan, He has a purpose, He has the desires of my heart held gently in His hand, and I will seek Him on the possibility of moving closer to my family.
I hope ice chips are never so exciting to me again. It felt amazing, the cold ice in my hot, dry mouth. (The following is GROSS, be warned...but it's also funny.) As I was moving my mask out of the way, getting one little piece of ice at a time, thanking God for the refreshing coolness in my mouth I realized my lips felt weird. I flicked it with my tongue, kind of bit it with my teeth, then grabbed my lip with my fingers and pulled it off. I tried really hard to not be grossed out, and Stacy was trying to figure out what was freaking me out, and I told him my lip fell off. He laughed. My mom laughed. Thankfully, my lip hadn't fallen off, but this wax coating that they put on my lips to protect them. Whew...my lips were not falling off.
I still had some tubes and lots of wires and was stuck in that bed. They found blood in my urine and were concerned about that, so now a nephrologist was coming to see me. Tuesday was like a time warp, things went from "Whoa, it's been 4 days?" to it seemed like every minute was dragging by. In talking to my Mom though, it was just the opposite for her. The four days of waiting, wondering, hoping I'd breath on my own again, had been dragging by, and now things were moving along fast.
Wednesday I was still just getting ice chips, and they sent speech in. She came in with apple sauce and graham crackers. I had to swallow and say "ahhh" after every swallow. We tried regular water, thickened juice, the applesauce, and the graham crackers. Chew, swallow, "ahhh" - and she felt me swallow with her fingers. I passed - they brought me a lunch menu and I ordered a sandwich. I got to finish the applesauce she'd brought in and I had real food on its way!
My sandwich arrived and let me tell you, that was the best three bites of food I'd ever had. My tummy was full very fast, and I was exhausted. Luckily they have this fascinating IV nutrition, and they kept me on that until Thursday morning. I got to order dinner on Wednesday night - I ordered fajitas, but got quesadillas, but they were alright. Eating was pretty exhausting and couldn't eat very much.
Wednesday was a day of milestones! Tuesday they removed the ventilator tube and the stomach tube, then Wednesday I was eating on my own, they took me off the face mask to a nasal canula with oxy-mizer, and they moved me out of "the unit" - I went to a regular hospital room! Thursday morning I had finished the final bag of IV nutrition, so other than receiving one more dose of IV antibiotics my IV was just capped off in case they needed it to give me something. I actually had a fancy IV, a pick line. This line went in my right arm, all the way over to my heart, it was actually better than any IV I'd ever had, and they could draw blood from it, and put medicine in it - it was great. It cut down on all the needle sticks - and trust me I'd had plenty of them. My arms are very bruised and full of little holes, luckily they are all healing up fairly quickly.
Wednesday evening I got to see my kids! I was already thanking God for my life, then to see my kids again, sure did my heart good. It was also very hard. They weren't with me for 10 minutes and I was exhausted, and I knew I had a long way to go. I can't lift my oldest at all, and I can barely lift my youngest - I'd lost a lot of muscle mass and I am incredibly weak still.
Stacy brought the boys up again on Thursday for a couple of hours, then again on Friday.
They kept turning the oxygen down, and on Friday I got to walk to the cafeteria with Stacy, my mom and the boys. We got the boys some lunch, and hung out for a bit then went back up to my room. All that time, off the oxygen, and I was maintaining.
On Friday afternoon my mom came down to my apartment so she could shower and help get the house ready for me - and she did a great job. I haven't had to worry about chores since I got home and that has been very helpful. Shortly after she left, Stacy took the boys back to Pop and Grandma's, so I spent some time alone. I was an absolute wreck. I knew I was going to have a long road to full recovery, I was getting way too tired, way too easily, and Mom was leaving the next day. It was looking like I'd be going home, and I was thankful for the thought of being home in my bed, but the thought of Mom leaving was too much. I kept crying. I really wanted to pack up a suitcase and follow her with the boys.
Stacy came back and we watched TV, went down to the late night cafeteria, and just hung out. We stayed up kind of late, and I remember being super annoyed every time they woke me up for something. When I finally got up about 9am Saturday morning there was a note from Mom that she was on the road, we had been sleeping good and she didn't want to wake us up. I cried. And cried. In fact, I cried randomly throughout the day yesterday. I wasn't ready for her to go home yet, but I knew she needed to head that way - and it's not exactly responsible to pack up two kids, two suitcases, and leave the state.
They let me come home yesterday, and Mom made it home safe and sound. All the prayers for safe travel were answered, the weather was not too bad, and she made really great time - took about 13 hours for her to get home. It was good to know that my Mom was going to get to sleep in her home in her bed the same night as I was getting to sleep in my home in my bed, but it's Sunday and I'm still not ready for her to not be here.
Thankfully our heavenly Father offers us peace that transcends understanding, and every time I told Him my heart on the matter He gave me peace and comfort. I still miss my Momma, and I still want to find a solution to the miles between us, but I have peace from God, and I know He works all things together for those who believe in Him. I know God has a plan, He has a purpose, He has the desires of my heart held gently in His hand, and I will seek Him on the possibility of moving closer to my family.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
So much to say...
Wow, it's nice to be home, on my couch, and using my computer again.
I've been trying to decide where to start writing, because I certainly have enough to write about it to last a few posts. I think I've decided to start with what happened/how I ended up in ICU, and from there I'll write some of the other posts that you all have to hear about.
Know this, there is a reason for hope, Christ died for us, loves us, lives in and through us, and God created us with a purpose, and my very life is a miracle from God, the very answer to many prayers!
I got the flu. We got back from Christmas in Colorado on Sunday, and by Wednesday I felt like crud. Run of the mill, my muscles ache, great I got the flu, crud. Thursday morning rolled around, Boo got dropped off, and an hour later her dad picked her up cause I felt icky and they are great people. I laid on the couch, feeling the ache, nursing a sinus headache and being bummed. No going out Friday if I felt like this still. No babysitting for friends, nothing but laying around, feeling bad for myself.
Around 1am Thursday night/friday morning I knew things were getting worse. I was really starting to feel the tightness in my chest and I was short of breath. I was hitting it hard with my nebulizer treatments, even took a steroid and was at Urgent care at 8:30am, feeling so cruddy I didn't even wait for them to open, I had Stacy take me to the ER.
We got to the Community Hospital at Fountain Park, and they got me back right away. They administered a breathing treatment, and my O2 sats were 70-ish. This is bad. Means I don't have enough oxygen in my blood. That number should be above 95 on room air. I was 70-ish - with an oxygen mask on. They drew an arterial blood gas test - OUCH. That is a painful blood draw, it's awful. I was also retaining carbon dioxide, so not enough oxygen in my blood, and not getting rid of the bad gases, means my lungs were not working right. My little airways were closed down, and the bigger ones were next.
At this point things are a bit disoriented for me, I know I rode in an ambulance, on CPAP, lights and sirens, to St. Anthony's. I also remember they were talking to me about intubating, and what that meant, and that the hospital BIPAP, which is stronger than ambulance CPAP, was not producing any improvement. I was declining, on pressurized breathing. They couldn't force air in enough to get my oxygen up. I know I agreed to the intubation, and I signed medical proxy over to Stacy so someone could make decisions about my care. They were going to be sedating me for this, and someone would have to make decisions about how to proceed medically.
I thought I was going to die. It wasn't scary, I felt a little sad for my boys and asked God to make sure they knew I had loved them with my whole heart, I knew the lives of friends and family would be affected, but it wasn't scary. I knew I was going to heaven to worship God and that was okay. I just prayed that everyone would have the strength they needed to get through all of this.
My whole world gets very black at this point and there is just nothing. I was very heavily sedated, with a machine doing all of the breathing for me, and I have a few little fuzzy memories, but not anything super clear. I know I felt loved. I know the first time I got scared was when I woke up, felt like I was on Star Trek, was trying to rationalize that that wasn't possible, and realized that I wasn't breathing for myself. I didn't want to lay there for a long time living on a ventilator.
I was working very hard to communicate (thank God for sign language!!) My mom had come down from Colorado, and her and Stacy worked very hard to understand all my signs. I remember realizing what day it was - which was Tuesday - and it was really hard for me to understand that I'd really been on a ventilator for 4 days. It certainly didn't feel like that much time had gone by. As they turned down the sedation, they also made adjustments to the ventilator to test if I was going to keep breathing when they took me off of it.
They pulled the tube out on Tuesday afternoon, and let all of the sedation drugs wear off. Talk about feeling weird. I was breathing, my oxygen sat levels were holding. I was on a face mask, receiving 10 liters of oxygen, but I was improving.....
I'll write again probably in the morning about getting to eat for the first time in 5 days, getting transferred out of CCU, and some of the things God spoke to my heart, the heart He's holding, caring for, loving, and making to beat still....
I've been trying to decide where to start writing, because I certainly have enough to write about it to last a few posts. I think I've decided to start with what happened/how I ended up in ICU, and from there I'll write some of the other posts that you all have to hear about.
Know this, there is a reason for hope, Christ died for us, loves us, lives in and through us, and God created us with a purpose, and my very life is a miracle from God, the very answer to many prayers!
I got the flu. We got back from Christmas in Colorado on Sunday, and by Wednesday I felt like crud. Run of the mill, my muscles ache, great I got the flu, crud. Thursday morning rolled around, Boo got dropped off, and an hour later her dad picked her up cause I felt icky and they are great people. I laid on the couch, feeling the ache, nursing a sinus headache and being bummed. No going out Friday if I felt like this still. No babysitting for friends, nothing but laying around, feeling bad for myself.
Around 1am Thursday night/friday morning I knew things were getting worse. I was really starting to feel the tightness in my chest and I was short of breath. I was hitting it hard with my nebulizer treatments, even took a steroid and was at Urgent care at 8:30am, feeling so cruddy I didn't even wait for them to open, I had Stacy take me to the ER.
We got to the Community Hospital at Fountain Park, and they got me back right away. They administered a breathing treatment, and my O2 sats were 70-ish. This is bad. Means I don't have enough oxygen in my blood. That number should be above 95 on room air. I was 70-ish - with an oxygen mask on. They drew an arterial blood gas test - OUCH. That is a painful blood draw, it's awful. I was also retaining carbon dioxide, so not enough oxygen in my blood, and not getting rid of the bad gases, means my lungs were not working right. My little airways were closed down, and the bigger ones were next.
At this point things are a bit disoriented for me, I know I rode in an ambulance, on CPAP, lights and sirens, to St. Anthony's. I also remember they were talking to me about intubating, and what that meant, and that the hospital BIPAP, which is stronger than ambulance CPAP, was not producing any improvement. I was declining, on pressurized breathing. They couldn't force air in enough to get my oxygen up. I know I agreed to the intubation, and I signed medical proxy over to Stacy so someone could make decisions about my care. They were going to be sedating me for this, and someone would have to make decisions about how to proceed medically.
I thought I was going to die. It wasn't scary, I felt a little sad for my boys and asked God to make sure they knew I had loved them with my whole heart, I knew the lives of friends and family would be affected, but it wasn't scary. I knew I was going to heaven to worship God and that was okay. I just prayed that everyone would have the strength they needed to get through all of this.
My whole world gets very black at this point and there is just nothing. I was very heavily sedated, with a machine doing all of the breathing for me, and I have a few little fuzzy memories, but not anything super clear. I know I felt loved. I know the first time I got scared was when I woke up, felt like I was on Star Trek, was trying to rationalize that that wasn't possible, and realized that I wasn't breathing for myself. I didn't want to lay there for a long time living on a ventilator.
I was working very hard to communicate (thank God for sign language!!) My mom had come down from Colorado, and her and Stacy worked very hard to understand all my signs. I remember realizing what day it was - which was Tuesday - and it was really hard for me to understand that I'd really been on a ventilator for 4 days. It certainly didn't feel like that much time had gone by. As they turned down the sedation, they also made adjustments to the ventilator to test if I was going to keep breathing when they took me off of it.
They pulled the tube out on Tuesday afternoon, and let all of the sedation drugs wear off. Talk about feeling weird. I was breathing, my oxygen sat levels were holding. I was on a face mask, receiving 10 liters of oxygen, but I was improving.....
I'll write again probably in the morning about getting to eat for the first time in 5 days, getting transferred out of CCU, and some of the things God spoke to my heart, the heart He's holding, caring for, loving, and making to beat still....
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