Baby, it's cold in here!

Brr! My goodness, my parents spoiled me rotten while we were in Colorado. They keep their home warmed to a cozy 78 degrees F. Now, you must bear in mind that the entire time I was in their home I thought it was a bit too hot for my taste. They had a fire place - actually more like a wood burning stove. The thing keeps the house toasty.

Fast forward from our arrival on Thursday morning to our departure on Sunday afternoon, and I was getting used to the warmth. Plus, we spent enough time in the vehicle, making it toasty or cool to our personal preference. Now I'm at home, with my thermostat set at 70 degrees F - and I'm FREEZING. Like, keep the blankets on, heavy socks, sweat pants, and where is my comfy sweater?! I guess I got used to Mom and Dad's "It's too hot in here..." house. While I'm thankful for my electricity, I'd like to install a wood burning stove please. I don't like super high electric bills, plus I try to watch my consumption of resources.

I started a new blog, you should be able to see the link to the right - it's about my journey this year to begin a life of eating smarter, and moving more! :)

Until I write again!

May you have your hearts desire, and may you desire exactly what God wants for you.

Early New Years Resolution!

We are home, and I'm already thinking about 2011. Christmas was fantastic, our trip was wonderful, and I loved seeing my family. I enjoyed my Mom's company, I got to play with my nephew, hang out with my niece, my sister is so lovely, my dad was ornery, and my brother was with us for the first time in years. Not to mention I got to enjoy watching my boys interact with all of them, and their Dad was along with us - which proved most helpful for babysitting and driving! (He was also good company - but I didn't just admit that!)

Health wise, I am struggling. I am not moving around very well, I'm in pain (mostly joint pain), and I am definitely not breathing well. I'm sure the strange weather doesn't help my asthma any, but I'm also certain that the weight I've gained is worse. I weighed myself before we left and was HORRIFIED. I weighed myself tonight... 208.6lbs - I only ever weighed this much one other time, and I was pregnant. Certainly not healthy then, but even worse now. I spent 28 minutes on my Wii Fit - yoga & strength training. I'm going to try to do SOMETHING everyday -whether it's the Wii Fit, the Kinect Dance Central, the Wii Active, or walking, or my exercise ball DVD's, or my walk at home DVD's...any of the above, as long as I get in some form of movement everyday...for close to or more than 30 minutes.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to dedicate my Monday posts to updating you about my weight loss progress as well as any changes in my eating habits that I make, or if I'm going to start a new blog dedicated to just this journey. A new blog would give me space for lots of recipes, and daily updates about what I'm eating and what exercise I did. Comments?

As for the early resolution: I plan on loosing this excess weight. I should weigh about 145lbs - so I need to loose 63lbs. So long as I loose 1.5lbs EVERY week I will reach my goal weight the end of October 2011. So, 10 months of dedication to loose the weight, and a lifetime of good choices to keep it off. Who's with me?

Another day of traveling!

Unfortunately real life is calling us back, and we are packing to leave as I write this. Well, technically as I write this, I'm writing this and he is packing...but when I finish writing, I'll help too!

It's 9am in Colorado, 10am in Oklahoma, and we should be leaving in about two hours - around 11am Colorado time. We should make it home about 2am Oklahoma time, and hopefully the boys will be willing to sleep longer. I'm going to try to be good and sleep on the trip so when we get home I can rest a bit, but get up with all the kiddos in the morning. Hopefully baby daddy can get some sleep too.

It's been a wonderful Christmas. My brother came out again yesterday, and we had way too much food - and all of it was way too good! I got to meet one of my Mom's friends from church and she is a dear, sweet lady. Definitely a blessing to meet her!

I am enjoying our view of the mountains, and the mild weather. It's not been terribly cold this weekend, which always makes me happy. I've looked at some rental ads, been asking about churches, talked to my parents about boarding my horse, and now it's time for a waiting game. We have to see how things go in January, financially speaking, and try to complete a plan to move - once we have a plan, and a reasonable way to execute it, I think we may really move back this time.
I need roots though - so if we move it has to be permanent, I do NOT like the thought of moving around, at all. I have never liked moving around, and it seems like we've moved around a lot. Moving definitely frustrates me. That's part of why I am still in my apartment, I thought about moving when my lease was up, but I don't want to move.

Well, it's time for me to start packing again, and the computer needs to get tucked away to go home with me!

Until tomorrow, hopefully!

Merry Christmas!

It's midnight, so it's officially Christmas, and I am so thankful for all of my many blessings this year.
I just successfully made divinity for the first time ever. To make an exciting kitchen experience even better - my Mom gave me my Grammie's recipe for divinity...and I did it right. Mom loved it and I'm feeling like the queen of the kitchen at the moment!!
My brother was here for Christmas...this is the first time I've seen him in 4 years - the last time I saw him Asher was just about 8 months old. We spent some time with my family in October of 2006 - and that was the last time I saw my brother until this Christmas. It was wonderful to see him - and he will be back again tomorrow! My heart is full!
My boys got completely spoiled rotten - they received so many wonderful gifts and they are enjoying their family. Today Isaiah told the cashier at Walmart that he wasn't my mom's grandson, he was just his other Grandma's grandson. They are so funny!
Asher wants to play with Charlie all the time, and Isaiah spent the afternoon trying to open Caedin's gifts for him. It was so wonderful to spend my nephew's first Christmas with him! He is such a cutie and such a sweet boy.
I am reminded of the love of Christ and the forgiveness He offers and teaches us to offer. The snoozing man on my couch - yes, my ex husband....whom is quickly becoming one of my best friends....is here too. My family has been warm, welcoming, and loving toward him. They have accepted him as always, given him gifts, and been easy to be around. It doesn't get any better than that.

I challenge you to recognize the intangible gifts that you have received this year, and let God speak to your heart about the good things you have. Remember the forgiveness that Christ was born to offer you and me, and the forgiveness He's calling you to offer to all of the people in your life.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a blessed night!

Vacation & Volcanos!

Merry Christmas Eve!

We are spending the holiday with my family in Colorado and I am very happy to be here. We drove Wednesday night, started abotu 8:30pm, and arrived Thursday morning about 11am. It was a great drive - I crocheted all but 3 hours (and during those 3 hours, I SLEPT!)

I wrote up a blog post on my phone, sent it to the blog, and it never showed up, so thanks to that glitch I am officially 3 days behind on this blogging thing. :(

Ah well, I'll count it as a hiccup and we will move forward.

My youngest was thrilled to reach the Volcanos, and he asked all about them! We tried to convince him that they were not volcanos, we were indeed looking at and driving up the mountains. He wouldn't hear it. He wanted to drive UP the side of the volcanos - and he wouldn't believe us that the road we were on was cut into the side of the mountain.

We made it safe and sound, and it's time to get out and see the town and do some shopping!

Christmas Traditions

Hey everybody, I missed last night - I was dog tired, and we ended up staying up late to let the boys open one present each - I got some great pictures! It was very worth it!

I've been thinking about Christmas Traditions - and I started feeling like we don't really have any. I found myself wanted to wake up at "home" on Christmas morning, to start having traditions...odd isn't it? Well, I realized through all of my thinking about it that we do have some traditions, and they are very dear to my heart.

Our first one is pajamas! The boys gets new pajamas on Christmas Eve every year! This makes for the best pictures (because the PJ's fit, and are not worn out in any way!! :) ) and it is fun. I was wanting to sew pajamas this year, but unfortunately I didn't get a sewing machine like I wanted to. (I did, however get a DLSR camera, so I am NOT complaining! LOL)

Second: We always do something to help another family enjoy Christmas. We usually do something through our church, but whatever the face or form of it, we always find someone else to help - generally anonymously, and I love this. This is one of those things that always makes my heart happy!!

Third: Luke, chapter 2! We read this every year on Christmas morning, before we unwrap any presents. I love to use this story to talk to my children about what a gift Jesus was and is to us, and about the gifts given to Jesus.

Fourth: For the last couple years we've spent Christmas day in Colorado with my Mom & Dad & Sister. This year we will be celebrating my nephew's first Christmas, and my brother will also be with us!

We do have some fun traditions, and I thoroughly enjoy this time of year. We give our kids stockings, but Santa doesn't visit. We have many reasons for this, maybe I'll post again tonight with a "No Santa? Why Not?" and explain this further....we shall see!

I'd love to hear about your Christmas traditions, don't hesitate to leave your comments below!!

Good times!

Ahhh! I am technically an hour late for a Saturday night blog post, but I'm going to count this one as it anyway - and I'll blog again Sunday evening so that I ddin't miss a day!!

I went out tonight with one of my neighbor friends, and we really had a great time. I needed the break and the time away, I've been about ready to explode the last couple of days. I'm having a hard time transitioning from being a stay at home mom to working mom, now back to stay at home mom. I am also having a hard time living with my ex.

He said something to me some nights ago, and I keep thinking about it. He said he'll always be the (beep) that left me, that ruined my life. Even if we ever started over, he could never fully be my husband, with good things to say. He would always be my (beep) ex, who made some changes so I married him again.

I know he is mostly right. I know that's how I am about it, because I was deeply wounded by the whole situation that brought us to a divorce. It's all ugly in my head, and I hate it. I can't get over how badly I never wanted a divorce enough to give him another chance, and I can't get over the fact that we are divorced. I'm stuck. I'm angry. My life was not supposed to look like this. Now I have the chance to live into being a stay at home, homeschooling, full time, dedicated Mom, and I don't trust him.

I am sick to my stomach at the lack of control I have over whether the bills get paid. I am angry that he is here all the time and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am also nosey about his life and what he is doing, and who he is talking to. I don't like feeling like there is something going on behind my back.

I honestly found myself wishing he would just get back together with his girlfriend so I could go on with my life. It's a weird thing to wish, but I am okay on my own. I'm not even looking for someone to date, or a relationship. I am usually content. I get lonely sometimes, but I am so burned by what's happened over the last 18 months that I see things skewed enough that I know if someone paid me a healthy dish of attention I wouldn't handle it well (or right).

So, I'm sitting here on the end of my couch, while my ex sleeps on the curve of the couch, knowing that I need to find true, deep forgiveness. I've learned to not pick fights, and I know the silence drives him nuts most of the time, but I need to keep my mouth shut, and I'm comfortable in that. I'm getting a little bit better at considering him and his feelings. I know I am growing. I also know that I haven't forgiven him like I need to, and I know it will hinder my growth. I know it will hinder my relationship with God, and it will hinder my relationships with my kids. No good can come from allowing bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment and blame to rest, grow, and be part of my life.

I know you'll read this "ex" - and know that this post requires, nor requests, any action on your part. This is about me, and my struggles, and the growth happening in my own life.

Snoozer's

Am I the only one that gets completely irritated when there is a man lying on the couch, mostly sleeping or grumbling at the kids that are playing, because he's not at work? For one reason or another, he's home today, and he's just sleeping? On the couch. Grumbling at the kids every single time they jump on him. Draining away my motivation to do anything, because I just want to be sleeping too?! Am I all alone in this frustration? Please tell me I'm not.




Now let me add one more detail...that at the moment seems so relevant. The man, on my couch, several mornings of the week, is my ex-husband. He's on workman's comp for a back injury – so it's not like he's just not working. He can't, and he's in pain. Yet, somehow, him snoring on my couch, or snoozing even when he's not snoring, is the most aggravating thing about my mornings. It grates on my nerves and causes my veins to boil. It also got me thinking...



How many times the last year has God looked over at me, ready to whisper a truth I needed, or a truth He desired for me to speak to someone that needed it, and I was snoozing? How many times was I grumbling, groggily, at the people in my life, when He needed my light to shine?


Wait, there's more.



The question. That one question, of all of questions, that truly makes me want to throw something at “the man on my couch”. “What needs to be done?” he asks. My jaw drops and my brain explodes every time. If you can't see that the floor in the kitchen needs swept and mopped, there are dirty dishes, laundry to be taken care of, lunch to be fixed, dog poop to clean up (from the yard!), toys to be picked up, vacuuming to be done, etc. then you need new eyes. And a dose of compassion from someone else because of what I'm about to do to you for asking that completely obnoxious, RIDICULOUS question.



Yet, how many divine appointments did I miss because I was sitting in the wrong waiting room, simply wanting to ask “What needs to be done?” - let me qualify this. We need to be prayerful devoted to seeking God's will for our life, each and every day. However, there are obvious things we can do to help the people around us, and I think sometime we overlook “small” tasks, waiting for God to lay down the master plan...yet God is waiting to lay down the master plan because He wants us to be devoted to the “small” tasks.



So, I'm going to count to ten, take a deep breath, get motivated, and stop snoozing through the God-whispers in my life, and try to be more patient with the snoozer in my life!

A jumbled mess of thoughts!

I'm excited to be here for Day 2 - which is actually my third day IN A ROW blogging - and I have no idea what to write about. I thought about something on the way home, and it was particularly brilliant, and now I have no idea what it even was.

I took my two boys out to see Tangled - which was a decent movie, cute, not any vulgar language that I really noticed, and the characters remained fully clothed - which is a huge deal to me. I truly believe it is my duty to protect my boys' minds from sexual imagery that will leaving a lasting imprint on their brains. I feel like I fight this fight alone, but it's worth it to me. I want them to respect women, and especially their wives, in a counter culteral way! I want this respect to include their young lives, and the things they see with their eyes, hear with their ears, and speak about. I want them to understand that the damage done by sexual immorality isn't just done to themselves. It affects their relationships - and especially their relationship with their wife.

Now, I understand, my boys are very young, and they aren't getting married anytime soon - but this is when it starts. This is when it has to be important, or it never will be.

As I'm writing this, my oldest is reading his Bible, and my youngest is "reading" 365 Bible stories for bedtime. I feel a huge sense of peace about this, and I'm watching them, and thinking I should get out my Bible too, it's about time for a good, truthful life-shaping story that will grow me into the Mom they need me to be...the Mom that God is calling me to be...

Day 1: Realizations...

I made it back for my official Day 1!

WOW! I'm proud of me. :) I've realized some stuff lately. Such as:

Some things are final, no matter how many doubts you occassionally have.

I love to do all things cooking and baking, aside from cleaning up after myself.
        I am currently obsessed with new recipes and making fun lunches and dinners and desserts. On my stove, being eaten faster than it should be, is a whole wheat, chocolate tex-mex cake. MMMMM. Homemade, from scratch, icing too...and it is bomb.

My life will go on no matter what, or who, hurts me, leaves me, loves me, likes me, hangs with me, doesn't hang with me, etc. God is my portion, and I want to settle into that truth deeper over the last days of this year, and the rest of my life.

I will get annoyed. I will get frustrated. It is not my sworn duty to annoy and frustrate everyone around me just because I'm in a bad mood. It is my duty to actually NOT do those exact things, and to exercise some self control and restraint.

My kids aren't going to think very highly of me in a few years when they realize I'm crabby and yell all the time. I need to find my joy in Jesus and be a calmer, quieter Momma, who takes the time to recognize their intention, while calmly, respectfully correcting their actions.

If there is nothing else that comes from blogging daily, I've already come to realize that I will gain a deeper understanding of myself, my relationships with others, and my world. Maybe tomorrow I'll include a photo with my blog- afterall, I am loving my new camera! :)

Super Mom: Enter!

Ah, she never shows up on cue. But lately I've been feeling more super as a mom then I had been. I've been baking and cooking all kinds of fun things - the boys are truly enjoying the homecooked food and so am I. It's nice to be eating something that wasn't prepackaged and frozen. Don't get me wrong, I love to fill my freezer with frozen homemade casseroles, but I get tired of TV dinners and chicken nuggets. So do my kids.

For snack today I cut up some apples and bananas, drizzled with honey, mixed in some greek yogurt, and served. No one had anything left in their bowls, and I had to wash their faces from licking the bowls out.

Before snack, I made a tex-mex chocolate cake. Homemade, from scratch, tex-mex chocolate cake, with homemade chocolate frosting. I can't wait to try it - it's a small group thing.

I also put together a bunch of curriculum for the boys, of which they are always happy to engage in. I found a book I bought at church early this year...a study in Phillipians. I think I'm going to start that book, and I'm also thinking I want to start a 30 day blogging challenge.

I love to write, and when I start, I usually have so many things I want to write about that I stop writing because I get very very overwhelmed by all of my ideas!

So, today is the start...but I'm going to count tomorrow as Day 1.

New Adventures!

It's Monday night and I'm as sick as it comes. I'm breathing albuterol from my nebulizer as I type this. I stayed home from work. I was also completely unproductive today...I should have been crafting away my illness, but somehow I just kept searching the internet. I played on Facebook. Currently I'm listening to Stacy place Zelda in the background.

That is right. Stacy. Zelda. In my apartment. It's not as bad as it might sound. And it is strictly platonic. He did make dinner though - can't beat that! ;)

I am off to a great start with Pampered Chef! Check out my website @ www.pamperedchef.biz/reginathomas

I am also launching another project on Friday - and I really can't wait!

This is my last week at Winter Creek, and while I'm going to miss certain aspects of it, I am thankful for the doors that are opening to me. I believe God has great things in store for me and I believe that 2011 is going to be a great year. Which, by the way, can you believe it's almost November?! I can't!! My how time flies these days.

Isaiah and I are going to be working very hard on some home education projects, and Asher is working very hard on pre-k this year! I'm so proud of both of my boys!

As good as it gets...

It's one of those days, my feet are up, I'm too tired to be sitting here, my brain is fried...and I keep thinking...it's getting better. I have that deep seated, inner peace that says it's going to be calm for a bit and things will move forward.

I've started a business, and I'm excited. I'm also wanting instant success and as I slow myself down and listen to those who have done it ahead of me, and the training provided for the company, I'm making decent progress. But I'm very all or nothing and I'm trying to learn to stop that cycle. Sometimes what I consider "all" is probably un-achievable and my giving up doesn't help me in any way.
I want to book two more parties for early next week and I don't really know where to look. I've about worn out all my FB friends with relentless "party posts" so it's time for some new territory....

The boys and I are at a farm in Newalla and it is amazing here. It is quiet, we milked a goat, fed big and little chickens, and the dog. We ate farm fresh, scrambled eggs for dinner and drank a cup of fresh goats milk. What a treat!! I am ready to move back to the country and start my very own farm.

Work. Nothing to say.

The boy's Dad has been around all the time. He's been helping with the boys, and I appreciate it. I miss them so much. I'm glad they came to the farm with me, however, I should be getting off here to go sleep so I get up early enough to get us all ready to go for Asher to go to school. Then I go to work. My plans of hiding on the farm Thurs - Sun got foiled by work. Bleh.

Goodnight :)

Pampered Chef...oh how I enjoy you!

So, I'm bouncing off the walls...I just had my first cooking experience with Pampered Chef.

Last night I went to my first cluster meeting, and the ladies there were all so inspiring. I'm so impressed by the businesses they've built, and the warmth with which they welcomed me, and several other new consultants!
I am excited to move forward in this opportunity, and as such, chose tonight to bake cookies.

I made whole wheat chocolate chip cookies (yes, I am weird like that, and they are awesome cookies!) using all Pampered Chef utensils.

I used the Mix 'N Scraper, Easy Read Measuring cup, Adjustable Measuring Spoons, Classic Batter Bowl (glass), Stackable Cooling Rack, and my Large Bar Pan. This recipe went something like this:

I put 1 cup of butter in the Classic Batter Bowl, put it in the microwave for 1 minute, melted the butter, pulled it out....the glass bowl was not too hot to touch but the butter was melted. I put 3/4c brown sugar in my Easy Read Measuring cup and giggled because it was so easy to read! I then measured 3/4c regular sugar, and giggled...this is definitely my favorite measuring cup ever! And with the ergonomic handle (which simply put means it feels good and is easy to hold on to!) I picked it up and poured the sugar into the Classic Batter Bowl. It poured super easy, did not make a mess, and impressed me more. I added an egg and 1tsp of vanilla. My measuring spoons are adjustable! No more digging for three or four different measuring spoons, just slide to the size I want and wow! Ready to go. I mixed all this together with my Mix 'N Scraper and it did a great job of scraping the sides - it's bendable enough to do the job well, and firm enough to not be flimsy. At this point I added 2c whole wheat flour 1/2tsp salt and 1tsp baking soda. I begin folding it all together with that excellent Mix 'N Scraper, the dough was thick like it should be, wasn't stuck to the sides of the Classic Batter Bowl, and smelled sweet. I mixed in 2c semisweet chocolate chips, then spooned 12 cookies onto my Large Bar Pan. I baked them at 375 degrees for about 10 minutes (9 would have been a little chewier like I like...). They came right off of the Large Bar Pan...put them on my Stackable Cooling Rack, and enjoyed a warm cookie a few minutes later.

In summary....these cookies are amazing! I love the even way the Large Bar Pan baked them, and the Classic Batter Bowl was perfect for mixing these up. I'm sold. I want more stoneware, I want the pans, and the all of the accesories and the knife block and and and and!

Pampered Chef produces a quality product, I made 2 dozen cookies in about 20 minutes, it took me maybe 10 minutes to clean up, and all of the products delivered a consistent, quality result. I'm looking forward to more cooking and baking as I add pieces to my collection. I know I'm selling something worth owning and I am excited to share these products with everyone I know!

Whew, it's been a while...

So, my finger tips have been burning, and I have a million things on my mind. Yet, I haven't been writing. I am not sure that the things I have to write about are appropriate for a blog. I like writing when I know no one is reading, but with a blog, that's just not the case. This is the stuff for people to read - and wouldn't you know it, I'd actually like to write stuff that someday, people enjoy reading.

Some part of me would really like to be a published author. I've started probably about 10 books in the last 4-5 years. I'm trying to decide if I'm failing at writing a whole book, or if it's just a really long process? I'm not sure which. In fact, upon browsing this computer this evening I've discovered only one of my starts is here. I have one on the desktop, as well. Both were intended to be masterpiece material, but I get bored
trying to figure out how to break a book into chapters and scenes and, let's face it, I'm no professional.

So here sits I, blogging on this Monday night. I still have one son awake, in fact he is now....thirsty! I only put him in bed an hour and a half ago. His older brother? Out! However, the little one seems to think sleeping is for anyone other than himself and he avoids it all cost and tantrum.

I'm going to start selling Pampered Chef, in all of this wonderful spare time I don't have. I'm going to talk to a student advisor about nursing, and I keep considering a change in job. You know what I'm realizing about myself? I want to be something, or someone great. I lost a huge part of my identity when I had to go to work and wasn't married anymore. I was something great, I was a wife and a stay at home mom. I was raising two kids, and tackling every day messes. Somehow, working, and sending them to school & daycare left me feeling void. I'm no longer something great. I have a stressful, pointless job. I see my kids for something like 34 hours a week, not including when they are sleeping. And that's only if they aren't with their dad on the weekend. When he takes them...I get like 10-15 hours a week. I no longer feel like a great mom, I'm not a wife, not even a girlfriend. I'm no longer a great volunteer (in fact, I haven't volunteered in months).

I bought myself a horse, and decided I was going to do great things with her. Yeah. I see her once a month-ish. Great. I was going to get in great shape and loose a bunch of weight. Nope. Hasn't happened.

Am I the only one that longs to do something great? What do you want to do that is great? I can't decide if I'm spread to thin to do anything great, or if I just haven't found what I'm supposed to do great at.

Well, that's all for this lonely September post...good night!

Defining Failure

As I'm mid way through another long week, I'm beginning to wonder how to define failure. Should it be defined by the things my kids are not exceling at? Work performance? Home life? A failed marriage? I'm thinking that as it stands, I don't measure up right now. I'm looking around and my kids are struggling, we get so little time at home that the couple hours in the evening just whiz by like they aren't really there, and most of you know by now that I am divorced. Work performance is going alright, I've taken on several roles and I'm maintaining for the time being. I suppose I'm paying my bills and buying groceries. Which is no small feat in this economy, but it just doesn't seem like success compared to all of the things going wrong. I'm trying my best, but that doesn't seem like enough. I keep praying for God's help, but I'm not any good at waiting, I need things to be resolved yesterday, and it's just not happening that way. I know God's timing is perfect and all, but it seems like my little boat is about to capsize in this storm....I suppose God's just stretching me. I suppose the good days where it looked like things were leveling out were just a chance to recooperate before another trying time. I'm no closer to figuring out how to define failure or success, and I don't have any more answers about how things will work out. I do know that God is looking out for us, and I think I'm a little more prepared to wait on the Lord after writing this.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has got to be the hardest thing to give anyway. God's been softening my heart and really showing me how bad I really am at it. I thought I ranked moderately high on the forgiveness scale, until recently. As much of a struggle as it's been, I've made it entirely my own struggle. Somehow I decided that I had to the do the forgiving alone, to sort of earn my own forgiveness. Odd, seeing that I truly believe I am saved by grace through faith. I've been living outside of the love of God, and defintiely outside of the power of God. As I yield my heart to Him, I'm seeing miraculous miracles in my innermost being. I've stopped praying for change, and starting praying for transformation. I am so grateful for all that God is, and all that He does. As I am opening my life to His grace, it flows through me, giving me a clarity that I didn't have before, and a strength that is not my own. As I forgive, I'm finding myself with less to say, and more peace to hold my tongue. I'm willing to let other people interact with me more personally, and I'm slowly watching as God pushes the grip of fear out of my heart.

I just read "The Shack" by WM Young and all I can say is WOW. It challenged my view of God, and opened my eyes to things I hadn't considered. Now, I know the Bible is truth and our guide and that we should rely on the Word to shape our beliefs and our faith. I just think this book offered a beautiful perspective of the Trinity and is worth the time spent reading it! :)

Well, I'll probably write more on forgiveness, as I define what forgiveness means, and as God stretches me in this area. I'm so thankful for the hand of God on my life....

A little peek....

Here's a little peek into my recent struggles and some things I identified while driving home last night.

First off, while I don't wear my sins on my sleeve when I'm writing this blog, they are there. And I am quite adamant and convinced that I had just as much to do with the dissolution of my marriage. And that sucks. I hate it. Everyday. I didn't think the things I was doing would warrant my ex leaving me. I didn't think he'd walk out on me for it. I didn't think I'd end up a single mom, working full time, because of it. But I did. And if I had known those things would occur, I would like to think I wouldn't have been doing what I was doing, but I honestly don't know, because I didn't know.

Secondly, I like to do things myself. I like to see success and achieve goals, and while I can work with a team, I also like a lot of my "own" success. And giving those successes to God, and asking God for them, has been a huge challenge in my Christian walk...I'm learning, but it's been a slow process!

So, I'm driving home last night, contemplating my life, my ever intensifying schedule, and trying to process some things. I've been adding activities, and people, and friend dates to my life like crazy, and you know what I realized? I want to be accepted. And I'm pushing my limits, all of them I think, trying to gain acceptance. I just want to be loved, I want to know that no one else is going to walk out on me again. I want to know that I can trust people and be trusted. I don't want to feel alone. God has shown me that I am not alone, and has stilled the need/desire to go "man-hunting" for me. I am content to wait on His plan for me as far as a man-woman relationship goes. I am not, however, letting Him lead me in my daily activities.

I want to be everything, do everything and achieve everything, for everyone. I want to be so perfect that no one will get rid of me. I don't want to suffer that deep rejection that changed my life. I'm afraid to not fit in. Yet, I don't want to be fake. I don't want to give "face" answers - I want to answer from the heart the questions that are asked of me. I want people to really know me.

You know what God said last night? "You are loved, and wanted. I will never leave you, or forsake you. I sent my Son for you." And I'm resting today in the fact and truth that God bought me, at a price I couldn't fathom paying for anyone (especially when I'm thinking of my sons....) and I am His. I am His.

So, let this be a reminder to you, as well. You are loved, and wanted. God will never leave you, or forsake you. He sent His Son for you. You are His. Rest in that, take comfort, and let God strengthen you and hold you.

Struggles

Howdy friends! It's been a while because I'm having some personal, and selfish struggles. I don't know how to write about them without possibly hurting feelings, and that has given me a huge case of writer's block. So I'm writing about having writers block. Creative, huh?
It's been a pretty alright week, and I enjoyed my time with the boys thursday and friday - although by yesterday we were all stir crazy! Stacy picked them up last night and kept them overnight, then I got them at church this morning. We have had a decent day today, just hanging out with each other and taking a long nap. I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. It's amazing how we define our roles in life based on the relationships we have - and not being a wife anymore has left a void in my life. I want the companionship a marriage provides. I want to feel like a whole family again, not a broken one. I'm not sure how to do that, and I keep feeling very down about it. I keep leaning on the truth that God is in control, and Jesus is enough.
Jesus is enough. It's hard to apply that. I can say it, and think it, and even believe it, but it's hard to apply it. I have to say though, when I pray and ask God to lift the weight off my shoulders, and ease the hole in my heart, He does. And that is when I get the deep breath of relief. I just forget that God has it, and I tug it back on, and let the void back in, and find myself dragging again. Everytime I read my Bible I am encouraged. Everytime I pray. Everytime I go to church. Everytime I meet with my small group. So, I'm going to remember that God is in control, and Jesus is enough. I'm going to continue to surround myself with people, places, and activities that remind me of God's love.
I struggled with the message at church today, and let me encourage you in this: If your pastor offends you, know that he/she is human...and know that there is something to be gained in the hard messages. Don't forget to look past yourself and your pastor to God, and what He has in store for you.
Well, I'll end here. Goodnight.

Decisions...

Hello Sunday Night, it's sure been a good day. I went to Summit Church this morning and listened to a thought-provoking message, based on the book of Job. I am so amazed at the way God speaks to me, and the way He reached out today and stopped the why questions and He's given me peace and the great reminder that "God is in control, and Jesus is enough."

I think I'm closer to a decision about church, but it's kind of hinging on an answer I'll get Wednesday when I go to small group. I want to keep going to the small group I'm going to. I am so excited about being a part of this group, and the conversations we have are so helpful to my walk with Christ. I have become a better Mom, I have grown spiritually, and my heart has healed, all because of this group of people that I truly believe God has brought together.

I never imagined myself so torn between two churches, but I am. I want to be planted in a church. I want to be plugged in, volunteering, attending group, bringing my children up with a very high involvement at church. I've never wanted to just attend. I like to contribute. I know I am not able to effectively contribute in both churches, and honestly, I can't think of a "con" list to either church. All I have are "pros" - and it's quite a long list on both sides! It's so crazy.

I still wake up with a heavy heart, and I lay awake at night, going over all of my bad choices and hurtful words that drove Stacy & I apart. I think of the hurts that built walls. I think sometimes I just want to lock my door and hide with my kids. I watch them hurt and struggle. I look at pictures of us as a family. I know my words and actions were less than helpful, but I just can't fathom how we ended up here.

Sundays are my best days.the fellowship and messages lift me up. I keep being attacked by a suffocating guilt, and God keeps sending messages of forgiveness. He keeps reminding me that Jesus covers all and giving me a place of rest and peace. I am grateful that God sees my every need and ministers to me according to that need. God truly is in control, Jesus is always enough. God loves me and Jesus died for me, and together they offer me hope and restoration.

And may this serve as a reminder to you, of the gospel upon which we found our faith. God loves YOU. Jesus died for YOU. Together they offer you hope and restoration.

The sparkle...

So, the thoughts that I forgot to include in the last blog are something like this:

I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.

Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?

Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."

I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.

New Babies

Ah, what a grand day. My sister had her baby today - a healthy boy, 7lbs 9oz, 21.5in, Caedin is his name! What a blessing!

My neighbor and new found friend had her baby a week and a half ago, on the 11th, a healthy girl named Elizabeth.
Another blessing!

My friend from church had a healthy baby boy on the 18th!

Another friend from church is due in March.

Pastor and his wife have welcomed their 6th into the world this week, as well! Also, a boy!

I've been looking around at all of these amazing babies, and the people that love them. I have to admit, I'm feeling a little bummed. I want another baby. I've known I wanted to have another baby for a while. Like, since Isaiah was probably 8 months old, but it was too late then. Stacy had gotten a vasectomy (that we agreed on) and overall, it was probably for the better, even then. Being the mother of his 5th and 6th children was a good stopping point. Well, it wasn't nearly so sad to think about that family decision, as a family. My husband and I had the kids we wanted and prayed for, and we were content.

Then, my life does a one-eighty, and I am a single mom. I can't imagine having more than two through this process, and my heart breaks for their broken hearts. I would take away the damage and hurt that has happened in regard to them, any day, at nearly any price. I could not fathom breaking the hearts of more than the two that are already being broken.

And somehow I end up thinking of a family, and a man, and wondering how I could ever have kids that are not Asher and Isaiah's full brothers/sisters. The thought is so weird to me, which is weird to me, too. I have two half brothers, but I love them dearly. I know of happy blended families. I just can't imagine it. Another man around the boys? The thought is weird and awkward...and seems wrong.

I know I am very happy for all of these Mommy's, Daddy's and Babies! :)

The weight of it all...

I woke up this morning, and thought, "It's been almost 24hrs, where's the relief?" My heart is still heavy, and the weight on my shoulders is wearing me out. I truly believe it was inevitable, getting the divorce, that is. He's moved happily along, and found someone to love and be loved by, and it seems as though I stood no chance. Well, it's been 24hrs since court, and I'm thinking that's a place I never want to be again. It was awful. There's is a bit of closure in the sense that now it's really done, and I can move forward from here.
I'm trying to remember to look to God and look forward, not behind.
We talked about parenting by influence as our kids get older, instead of by size and position. I've been thinking about this so much. I want to be more intentional about my relationship with the boys, I need to find something to do with them in the evenings, every evening possible, to just spend time engaging. I think tonight I'm going to color with them and try to engage in a conversation about what we all did today. I'm going to talk to them more about my days at work, in hopes of hearing more about their days at school.
I miss them so much, it makes me sick. I feel like I don't get enough time with them. Hopefully I can turn the time I have into something quality since I don't have quantity....

Where's the Bible?

I hit the snooze button a few times too many, but managed a shower, a couple chapters in Luke, walking the dog, and getting the boys to school on time. I headed toward work, with the intention of working out. I felt a bit foggy, and my heart was heavy. I got to work, waiting for my work out buddy, who had a morning of small hassles, and we missed our work out. I had a 32oz green tea, and she got a coke, and we headed for Chickasha. When we arrived at the courthouse we went in the back door, wandered our way to the front side of the building, then sat and waited. And waited. Oh well, that's how it goes, hmm? Could be worse than just some waiting. My attorney arrived, said we'd be called up quickly due to the uncontested status of the divorce. My best friend accompanied me to the courthouse, but being that her darling two-year old was with her, she had to wait in the hall way while I went into the court room. I'm looking around, and my heart is heavy, and everything's foggy. How awful is it that I was among probably 15 cases of divorce, just to be heard by that one judge, in this one town, in this one county, on this one day. Ugh, that's disgusting and it made my stomach hurt. The first person was sworn by oath to tell the truth, and my only thought was "Where's the Bible?" Apparently they don't swear on the Bible anymore? Not that I can really imagine holding a Bible, swear to tell the truth, and proceed with divorce, I still struggle with wondering, if Jesus himself walked into my house, office, rode in my car, etc., would I be able to justify to Him why I just went through with it? I don't know. It's over, and I keep hoping for a deep breath and a sigh of relief, but I never saw myself getting a divorce....I never saw it being over. I never thought he'd walk away. I didn't think he could move on so fast. And how great must she be, to replace me? But then again, maybe I was harder to live with than I realized...

As today fades....

Sweetly Broken Video

Jay

MySpace Video
 
So I'm headed for the big D and don't mean Dallas. Cheesy, I know. I heard that song a few weeks back and it made my stomach hurt. I suppose I'm coping with it alright. I keep hearing Stacy point out that I filed for the thing. Course, I'm equally quick to point out that he walked out, and moved in with his now girlfriend. He was "sleeping on her couch" before I filed for divorce. I suppose that's the way it goes right? It's a horrible case of blame-shifting. Careful, I'll tell on you at group if you don't stop blame shifting...that used to be such a funny joke. Now, I just shake my head and sigh. I'm a bit wound up tonight, court is in the morning. I'm sitting here writing this, and I'm so tense and stressed that I think I could stay up all night. I want to start cleaning and crocheting and continue writing. I think I'm going to go to http://www.pandora.com/ and turn on my "David Crowder Station" and try to mellow out a little.
 
Okay, music on. The video I embedded was pointed out by a friend and fellow blogger. Excellent song and video. I'm trying to remember tonight that Christ takes me as I am. I'm thankful for the forgiveness extended to me, and I'm praying for God to reveal what exactly forgiveness looks like toward Stacy, from me, right now. Stacy told me Friday to just go, and not delay it. I was asking him to kick out his girlfriend and work on things with me, and he didn't want to kick her out. So, I was left wondering what's so wrong with me. I finally quit letting the question eat at me as of today. I'm a sinner, saved by grace, and that grace is enough. God is in control, and Jesus is enough. Period. That will be my simple truth, everytime I feel weak.
 
On a completely off track side note, Asher was so funny tonight! He was talking to Isaiah and he said "I love you Isa...I mean SUPERMAN!" and he grinned, a big, goofy, Asher grin, and said to Isaiah, "You are awesome." I swear, you can't buy entertainment, or LOVE like that. The boys rubbed each others back tonight in the bath, and both said "I hope you feel better." Aww! I love the moments when they reach out to each other and are simply thoughtful and loving.
 
Asher did significantly better listening to me today! We've been reading a devotional at bedtime, and praying. Plus, I have really been working on not just yelling and flying off the handle. I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be intentional, and when I calm down, the boys respond better.
 
I found Chase a great home. Or rather, a great home for Chase found me. She has a pink collar, a new bed, is inside, and has two kids to play with! I think she's found a beautiful family to be a part of and while I will miss her, I know that it was best. I'm also feeling a bit more compassionate toward Oliver. Hopefully we can get a schedule worked out and he will get used to going potty while on the leash.
 
Well, I'm going to take him out for a while, then I'm going to sleep as best I can - tomorrow is going to be a long day. Goodnight friends!

What is the soil?!?

Good Evening! I am having a very bad weekend. It started getting rough when I attempted to patch up my marriage and was told to just go finalize the divorce on Wednesday. Then, I spiraled down from there, making some bad choices. Certainly making less than Christ-like decisions. So, I let a wound that Christ could have healed dictate my actions. I made the wrong choices. I wasn't shining my light. And I'm beating myself up more than ever. I am feeling like I've failed, over and over again. It's like I've been catapulted into a whirl of perpetual failure. I failed as a wife, I failed as a Christian, what's next? And how, after spending time reading and trying to keep up with the 90 day plan to read the New Testament, do I just forget about the comfort of Christ?! I know better, yet I was still enticed into worldly things to "ease" my heartache. Guess what? Those things made it worse. Then, I was at church tonight, and I listened to Pastor Clark describe validation. I have been so needy for validation in my life. I feel like a complete failure. I am not sure how to deal with all the big red "FAIL" stamps on the pages that are my story. I wanted my life to look so much different than it's looking. I certainly never thought I'd be a single mom. As I have been thinking about this, I started thinking about the verses in Matthew that talk about the soil. I must be weed-y, or shallow soil. I have these profound, life changing thoughts and realizations when I'm reading the Word and at church. And it takes hold for a short time, yet it doesn't stick. It fades. I fall back into my own routine. All of that thinking, caused me to start thinking about a garden. You can build a garden, just about anywhere. You have to have the right tools, and it takes work. Sometimes a lot of work. So, if the Word is the seed that grows...WHAT IS THE SOIL?! I want to build my garden, I want to stake out a plot of ground, I want to put the timbers around it, I want to buy the really nice weed cloth, lay it own, and pour the richest soil on it you can imagine. I then want to put seeds in it, I want to make sure to keep up with fertilizing, watering, and when a weed pops up, I want to get rid of it quickly. Roots and all. But what is the soil?? How do I change the soil of my heart so that when I hear the Word, I apply it, and when I apply it, I continue to apply it, and it changes my life. I want the seed to have a great place to grow. I can imagine the tools for weeding are prayer, and maybe fasting. I imagine the watering can is probably prayer, as well. I'm sure that tithing is a tool, possibly fertilizer? And church, volunteering, worship @ church, small group, are all integral tools. But for all the tools, I cannot figure out what the soil is.....

The orchestration of it all...

I'm baffled this morning, as I sit at work, thinking about the last two days of my life. As some of you may know, I attended church twice, once at Summit, once at Journey, on Sunday. I was deeply moved by both messages, and grateful for them. I quit mistreating my kids because Clark preached about not mistreating our kids. I will strive to be intentional about bringing them up, instead of just surviving their childhood.
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!

Seeking Direction...

Good Afternoon! I had a blessed morning at church - I actually went to a new church...both new to me, and a new church plant! It was a wonderful morning, learning about Job and his wife. What a beautiful new perspective on what his wife was saying, and the type of woman she may have been. Have you ever considered that the best commentary on the Bible is...well, the Bible? I hadn't ever considered it in that context, but it was a great perspective, and one I would like to apply.
I am at a huge crossroads in my life, as I try to figure out what direction to go. I have been curious about, and considered learning about the adult dating world. I have no experience in adult dating, which I have allowed to be a handicap to me mentally. I also have been starting to get back into the Bible and focusing on church. I am certain that God wants me to fully rely on Him, and I am convinced that God wants to be my safe place, and my hiding place. I know He wants me to study and read the Word, and to focus on the things He wants for me.

Today, as I am seeking direction, and as I am trying to sort out the sources in my life for directions, I have come to a conclusion. Instead of asking someone who is out of state how to get from point A to point B, instead of asking a blind man, instead of asking someone who speaks a different language, or instead of asking someone who's never been to point B from point A, I will ask someone who knows the route, whose familiar with the destination, and who can give me clear, understandable directions. I will call or email the Pastors in my life, ladies that are fully devoted to Christ and involved in church, and I will search my Bible, using the tools and resources I have available to me. Above and beyond those people, and the Bible, I will pray. I have not been praying like I should. I know I should be, and I know many of the reasons why I should. I also have been struggling with guilt and hurt. I am afraid of what God might want me to do. But today, I am going to quit letting fear dictate my relationship with God. If God would have me spend my life single, then so be it. If God wants me to focus on reconciliation, then I shall sit at His feet, and wait for His strength, guidance, and steps. If reconciliation is what God wants, then it's what I want. I want to want and live the things of God, not the things of Regina. I am inadequate.

God knows His plan for my life. And living life based on my own strength, and abilities, is leaving me lonely at night. God is in control and Jesus is enough. I want to live this. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. More importantly, by the minute. I used to spend so much time at church, and in the Word, that the encouragement surrounding me was entirely positive. My available time has changed significantly, mainly due to work. I want to worry more about serving God, raising my kids, and keeping my home comfortable and comforting for my kiddos, than I do about the adult dating world. I don't want to compromise just for attentions sake. I want God to define my relationships, and I want God to define the type of man He wants in my life. Whether that is an issue of reconciliation, or no man, or ?? I don't think God's going to answer the man question right now. I think God desires my focus to be on Him, my heart to be serving Him, and my life to revolve around Him.

My prayer for my life is that it will honor God. I will live in and accept His forgiveness, as I know that the demise of my marriage was largely my fault. I was being foolish, and while I'd like to justify my foolish actions as being reactions, and give the reasons and the hurts that birthed such behavior, the truth is that I am simply a sinner, and I was sinning. And I knew I was sinning. I shouldn't have been. I should have been focused on God then. I should have been begging God to draw my husband back to church. I should have been more willing to accept the help of the counselors in my life. I shouldn't have let pride or prior wounds affect my decision making.

With all of that said, I can also tell you that a call to reconciliation would be hard. I did ask my former husband to move into the apartment with me, and the reason he gave was that he would rather be with his girlfriend. That if they ever broke up, he may consider dating me. Obviously, reconciliation is not a one sided venture. But to look past all that has happened and get back together with him would take a strength I don't have within me. I no longer want to rely on what I think I can or cannot do, I want to rely on what God can do through me.

God is in control, always & still. Jesus is enough. I need to rely fully on those truths. I've not been letting Jesus be enough, I've been wanting something more. It's hard to not focus on having/being in a relationship with a man. It's hard to not think of finding someone that would be helpful in my life. It's hard to not want someone to watch movies with and snuggle with. But I know that my focus is in the wrong place right now. But God can do even the hard things...so I'm going to turn it over to Him.

Okay, I'm rambling and repeating myself now, so I shall sign off here!

Free will, anyone?

Well, first off let me say this, it's been ages since I posted a blog. Over 6 months. I was still living in Tuttle, things with Stacy may have been a bit rocky, but they were not all together over in the sense of marriage, and I was running a home day care. Fast forward to now, January 2010, I'm less than three weeks from finalizing the divorce, I am living in Blanchard, I am working full-time outside the home, and lo-and-behold my dear boys are in day care. That last change was one that I thought would kill me, and let me say, I think I've done alright with it.
I have an interesting job, and it is affectionately known as the "pretend" job. I suppose for professional reasons, I won't post the cons of my job on the www.
The pros are pretty awesome. Like, mainly, I get to bring my kids to work if they can't go to day care for some reason - which totally rocks for me! I also am running the office side of things, working on coding expenses and getting QuickBooks straightened out. That is an interestingly difficult job to do. I love it. Weird, right?
So, since I'm on the topic of my job, and my title is free will, I suppose I'll connect the dots now.
I work with this one guy, (actually, I work with several guys...) and honestly I never thought I'd have an intentional conversation with this guy about anything aside from the weather and golf course. I don't totally mean that bad, and I hope if you're reading this "guy that I work with" that you don't hate me now, but I just assumed our personalities would crash horribly, which was a quick judgement to pass considering I don't even really know him. So I know, don't judge others. Gotcha. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. Moving on...
He came into my office, and oddly enough, I can't really remember how or why religion came up, but it did. I'm not all that shy about those kinds of discussions. I'll talk God, and the Bible, with just about anyone, as long as they will remain sane and civil (which he did!). I enjoy those conversations, am not afraid to explain my faith, and I'll even admit I don't know, when I don't know. No one else joined us on this particular conversation. Funny how that works.
Well, after three hours of friendly debate and conversation about God, Christianity, religion, theology, the works, I'm wondering more about this whole free will thing. I've had thoughts about it and doubts about it, and my general conclusion and choice of acceptance is that I am simply the creation, and God, my Creator, is so much bigger than I am, that I do not and cannot understand everything. Okay....fine enough with me, usually. Not that I never have doubts, because trust me I do. Especially when it comes to free will.
Why? Well, because of things like Judas. Judas was created and intended for a purpose...from my understanding. I think that even if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, the story would have still turned out the same - as Jesus purpose on earth was ultimately the cross. So, if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, and the story would have ended the same, what was the purpose of Judas turning Jesus over to the guards? I have no idea. Why would God create someone for that purpose? Again, I have no idea. This is just what I'm thinking about tonight...free will, how does it really work? Is it a limited free will? I suppose there are environmental limitations. I sometimes wish I could record conversations to go back over them, there are so many things I wish I could play over again, to try to grasp what the other party was trying to communicate. What about predestination? I suppose I'm going to go in circles over all of this for now. I hope to re-visit this topic when I have read my Bible more thoroughly this coming year. While I would like to fully understand free will, I think I would be quite content to simply be better prepared for my side of a free will debate. I may not be able to fully understand free will, but I don't like holding a debate with someone on something that I haven't nearly enough information about. I'm not trying to cause anyone to question their faith, and I certainly am not trying to cause anyone to question God. I still trust and love God. I believe I am saved by grace through faith. I believe my faith produces works, but that my works are not what's getting me to heaven. I believe sin is sin, and I believe we all have the ability to choose to make the right choice. I can even accept that some of the things God ordained in and of this world do NOT make one bit of a sense to this girl. I believe God has my best interests in mind, but that what He considers my best interests, and what I consider my best interests, generally vary greatly. I believe God is far more considered with my character than with my comfort. I know I have a hard time always know what God expects of me. Like now. I have no idea. I'm going to try to read my whole Bible this year. I want to learn to lean fully on God, in all things, for all things. I can't do this on my own anymore.