Howdy friends! It's been a while because I'm having some personal, and selfish struggles. I don't know how to write about them without possibly hurting feelings, and that has given me a huge case of writer's block. So I'm writing about having writers block. Creative, huh?
It's been a pretty alright week, and I enjoyed my time with the boys thursday and friday - although by yesterday we were all stir crazy! Stacy picked them up last night and kept them overnight, then I got them at church this morning. We have had a decent day today, just hanging out with each other and taking a long nap. I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. It's amazing how we define our roles in life based on the relationships we have - and not being a wife anymore has left a void in my life. I want the companionship a marriage provides. I want to feel like a whole family again, not a broken one. I'm not sure how to do that, and I keep feeling very down about it. I keep leaning on the truth that God is in control, and Jesus is enough.
Jesus is enough. It's hard to apply that. I can say it, and think it, and even believe it, but it's hard to apply it. I have to say though, when I pray and ask God to lift the weight off my shoulders, and ease the hole in my heart, He does. And that is when I get the deep breath of relief. I just forget that God has it, and I tug it back on, and let the void back in, and find myself dragging again. Everytime I read my Bible I am encouraged. Everytime I pray. Everytime I go to church. Everytime I meet with my small group. So, I'm going to remember that God is in control, and Jesus is enough. I'm going to continue to surround myself with people, places, and activities that remind me of God's love.
I struggled with the message at church today, and let me encourage you in this: If your pastor offends you, know that he/she is human...and know that there is something to be gained in the hard messages. Don't forget to look past yourself and your pastor to God, and what He has in store for you.
Well, I'll end here. Goodnight.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Decisions...
Hello Sunday Night, it's sure been a good day. I went to Summit Church this morning and listened to a thought-provoking message, based on the book of Job. I am so amazed at the way God speaks to me, and the way He reached out today and stopped the why questions and He's given me peace and the great reminder that "God is in control, and Jesus is enough."
I think I'm closer to a decision about church, but it's kind of hinging on an answer I'll get Wednesday when I go to small group. I want to keep going to the small group I'm going to. I am so excited about being a part of this group, and the conversations we have are so helpful to my walk with Christ. I have become a better Mom, I have grown spiritually, and my heart has healed, all because of this group of people that I truly believe God has brought together.
I never imagined myself so torn between two churches, but I am. I want to be planted in a church. I want to be plugged in, volunteering, attending group, bringing my children up with a very high involvement at church. I've never wanted to just attend. I like to contribute. I know I am not able to effectively contribute in both churches, and honestly, I can't think of a "con" list to either church. All I have are "pros" - and it's quite a long list on both sides! It's so crazy.
I still wake up with a heavy heart, and I lay awake at night, going over all of my bad choices and hurtful words that drove Stacy & I apart. I think of the hurts that built walls. I think sometimes I just want to lock my door and hide with my kids. I watch them hurt and struggle. I look at pictures of us as a family. I know my words and actions were less than helpful, but I just can't fathom how we ended up here.
Sundays are my best days.the fellowship and messages lift me up. I keep being attacked by a suffocating guilt, and God keeps sending messages of forgiveness. He keeps reminding me that Jesus covers all and giving me a place of rest and peace. I am grateful that God sees my every need and ministers to me according to that need. God truly is in control, Jesus is always enough. God loves me and Jesus died for me, and together they offer me hope and restoration.
And may this serve as a reminder to you, of the gospel upon which we found our faith. God loves YOU. Jesus died for YOU. Together they offer you hope and restoration.
I think I'm closer to a decision about church, but it's kind of hinging on an answer I'll get Wednesday when I go to small group. I want to keep going to the small group I'm going to. I am so excited about being a part of this group, and the conversations we have are so helpful to my walk with Christ. I have become a better Mom, I have grown spiritually, and my heart has healed, all because of this group of people that I truly believe God has brought together.
I never imagined myself so torn between two churches, but I am. I want to be planted in a church. I want to be plugged in, volunteering, attending group, bringing my children up with a very high involvement at church. I've never wanted to just attend. I like to contribute. I know I am not able to effectively contribute in both churches, and honestly, I can't think of a "con" list to either church. All I have are "pros" - and it's quite a long list on both sides! It's so crazy.
I still wake up with a heavy heart, and I lay awake at night, going over all of my bad choices and hurtful words that drove Stacy & I apart. I think of the hurts that built walls. I think sometimes I just want to lock my door and hide with my kids. I watch them hurt and struggle. I look at pictures of us as a family. I know my words and actions were less than helpful, but I just can't fathom how we ended up here.
Sundays are my best days.the fellowship and messages lift me up. I keep being attacked by a suffocating guilt, and God keeps sending messages of forgiveness. He keeps reminding me that Jesus covers all and giving me a place of rest and peace. I am grateful that God sees my every need and ministers to me according to that need. God truly is in control, Jesus is always enough. God loves me and Jesus died for me, and together they offer me hope and restoration.
And may this serve as a reminder to you, of the gospel upon which we found our faith. God loves YOU. Jesus died for YOU. Together they offer you hope and restoration.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The sparkle...
So, the thoughts that I forgot to include in the last blog are something like this:
I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.
Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?
Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."
I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.
I remember hearing the first cry, and I remember hold my sweet Asher for the first time. It was amazing, and the days to follow seem so full of joy and life when I think back. Maybe I did then, but I can't remember thinking that having a baby was "hard" - sure, there were some new challenges, but it seemed easy, exciting, fun. I loved to nurse him, and I had a "good" baby - no colic, not fussy, self-entertaining, etc. I loved every moment of it, and as the days turned into weeks, and even months, it just got better.
Then, Isaiah arrived. Another baby, and just as easy. Sure, I was now juggling two kids, and that was a task, but I L-O-V-E-D it. I had my boys, and life was grand.
Here I am, a few years down the road, and I'm facing a fourth birthday, and a third birthday this year. My heart longs for the "easy" days. Because, now they are forming their opinions, they want control of their world, and they have already been deeply wounded in life. It is hard now. I don't have the answers. My brand of milk is out of production, not to mention it would be awfully weird at these ages, but I can't just offer Mommy-milk to soothe the tears. We don't use the pacifier. Plus, what good is a boob or a pacifier against the real life, devastating effect of divorce?
Where's the sparkle? The smell of new-baby, the joy of holding, rocking, and playing with the baby? I was thinking tonight about all of that, and how much I loved to move their feet and legs, and fingers and arms, and it was grand. Well, now they play games, and I never have the time. I don't make the time. They argure now. It's just gotten to be hard to raise my kids. Work is draining, and I'm feeling a bit battered and torn from the storm myself...maybe even more than a simple "bit."
I guess, my thought provoking point to myself tonight, is get the sparkle back. Look at my kids with the same joy and enthusiasm I did when they were "new" babies. Sure, they are the same boys, but everyday is new, exciting, and full of life and growth. They are learning about the world now, as much as ever, and I get the blessed opportunity to participate. Now, I just need to figure out how to see the sparkle in it, even when the dirty laundry and dinner dishes have piled up, and they don't just sit in the bouncer and make sweet sounds while I work. I need to make more time for them while they are up, and do chores while they are in bed.
New Babies
Ah, what a grand day. My sister had her baby today - a healthy boy, 7lbs 9oz, 21.5in, Caedin is his name! What a blessing!
My neighbor and new found friend had her baby a week and a half ago, on the 11th, a healthy girl named Elizabeth.
Another blessing!
My friend from church had a healthy baby boy on the 18th!
Another friend from church is due in March.
Pastor and his wife have welcomed their 6th into the world this week, as well! Also, a boy!
I've been looking around at all of these amazing babies, and the people that love them. I have to admit, I'm feeling a little bummed. I want another baby. I've known I wanted to have another baby for a while. Like, since Isaiah was probably 8 months old, but it was too late then. Stacy had gotten a vasectomy (that we agreed on) and overall, it was probably for the better, even then. Being the mother of his 5th and 6th children was a good stopping point. Well, it wasn't nearly so sad to think about that family decision, as a family. My husband and I had the kids we wanted and prayed for, and we were content.
Then, my life does a one-eighty, and I am a single mom. I can't imagine having more than two through this process, and my heart breaks for their broken hearts. I would take away the damage and hurt that has happened in regard to them, any day, at nearly any price. I could not fathom breaking the hearts of more than the two that are already being broken.
And somehow I end up thinking of a family, and a man, and wondering how I could ever have kids that are not Asher and Isaiah's full brothers/sisters. The thought is so weird to me, which is weird to me, too. I have two half brothers, but I love them dearly. I know of happy blended families. I just can't imagine it. Another man around the boys? The thought is weird and awkward...and seems wrong.
I know I am very happy for all of these Mommy's, Daddy's and Babies! :)
My neighbor and new found friend had her baby a week and a half ago, on the 11th, a healthy girl named Elizabeth.
Another blessing!
My friend from church had a healthy baby boy on the 18th!
Another friend from church is due in March.
Pastor and his wife have welcomed their 6th into the world this week, as well! Also, a boy!
I've been looking around at all of these amazing babies, and the people that love them. I have to admit, I'm feeling a little bummed. I want another baby. I've known I wanted to have another baby for a while. Like, since Isaiah was probably 8 months old, but it was too late then. Stacy had gotten a vasectomy (that we agreed on) and overall, it was probably for the better, even then. Being the mother of his 5th and 6th children was a good stopping point. Well, it wasn't nearly so sad to think about that family decision, as a family. My husband and I had the kids we wanted and prayed for, and we were content.
Then, my life does a one-eighty, and I am a single mom. I can't imagine having more than two through this process, and my heart breaks for their broken hearts. I would take away the damage and hurt that has happened in regard to them, any day, at nearly any price. I could not fathom breaking the hearts of more than the two that are already being broken.
And somehow I end up thinking of a family, and a man, and wondering how I could ever have kids that are not Asher and Isaiah's full brothers/sisters. The thought is so weird to me, which is weird to me, too. I have two half brothers, but I love them dearly. I know of happy blended families. I just can't imagine it. Another man around the boys? The thought is weird and awkward...and seems wrong.
I know I am very happy for all of these Mommy's, Daddy's and Babies! :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The weight of it all...
I woke up this morning, and thought, "It's been almost 24hrs, where's the relief?" My heart is still heavy, and the weight on my shoulders is wearing me out. I truly believe it was inevitable, getting the divorce, that is. He's moved happily along, and found someone to love and be loved by, and it seems as though I stood no chance. Well, it's been 24hrs since court, and I'm thinking that's a place I never want to be again. It was awful. There's is a bit of closure in the sense that now it's really done, and I can move forward from here.
I'm trying to remember to look to God and look forward, not behind.
We talked about parenting by influence as our kids get older, instead of by size and position. I've been thinking about this so much. I want to be more intentional about my relationship with the boys, I need to find something to do with them in the evenings, every evening possible, to just spend time engaging. I think tonight I'm going to color with them and try to engage in a conversation about what we all did today. I'm going to talk to them more about my days at work, in hopes of hearing more about their days at school.
I miss them so much, it makes me sick. I feel like I don't get enough time with them. Hopefully I can turn the time I have into something quality since I don't have quantity....
I'm trying to remember to look to God and look forward, not behind.
We talked about parenting by influence as our kids get older, instead of by size and position. I've been thinking about this so much. I want to be more intentional about my relationship with the boys, I need to find something to do with them in the evenings, every evening possible, to just spend time engaging. I think tonight I'm going to color with them and try to engage in a conversation about what we all did today. I'm going to talk to them more about my days at work, in hopes of hearing more about their days at school.
I miss them so much, it makes me sick. I feel like I don't get enough time with them. Hopefully I can turn the time I have into something quality since I don't have quantity....
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Where's the Bible?
I hit the snooze button a few times too many, but managed a shower, a couple chapters in Luke, walking the dog, and getting the boys to school on time. I headed toward work, with the intention of working out. I felt a bit foggy, and my heart was heavy. I got to work, waiting for my work out buddy, who had a morning of small hassles, and we missed our work out. I had a 32oz green tea, and she got a coke, and we headed for Chickasha. When we arrived at the courthouse we went in the back door, wandered our way to the front side of the building, then sat and waited. And waited. Oh well, that's how it goes, hmm? Could be worse than just some waiting. My attorney arrived, said we'd be called up quickly due to the uncontested status of the divorce. My best friend accompanied me to the courthouse, but being that her darling two-year old was with her, she had to wait in the hall way while I went into the court room. I'm looking around, and my heart is heavy, and everything's foggy. How awful is it that I was among probably 15 cases of divorce, just to be heard by that one judge, in this one town, in this one county, on this one day. Ugh, that's disgusting and it made my stomach hurt. The first person was sworn by oath to tell the truth, and my only thought was "Where's the Bible?" Apparently they don't swear on the Bible anymore? Not that I can really imagine holding a Bible, swear to tell the truth, and proceed with divorce, I still struggle with wondering, if Jesus himself walked into my house, office, rode in my car, etc., would I be able to justify to Him why I just went through with it? I don't know. It's over, and I keep hoping for a deep breath and a sigh of relief, but I never saw myself getting a divorce....I never saw it being over. I never thought he'd walk away. I didn't think he could move on so fast. And how great must she be, to replace me? But then again, maybe I was harder to live with than I realized...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
As today fades....
Sweetly Broken Video
Jay
MySpace Video
So I'm headed for the big D and don't mean Dallas. Cheesy, I know. I heard that song a few weeks back and it made my stomach hurt. I suppose I'm coping with it alright. I keep hearing Stacy point out that I filed for the thing. Course, I'm equally quick to point out that he walked out, and moved in with his now girlfriend. He was "sleeping on her couch" before I filed for divorce. I suppose that's the way it goes right? It's a horrible case of blame-shifting. Careful, I'll tell on you at group if you don't stop blame shifting...that used to be such a funny joke. Now, I just shake my head and sigh. I'm a bit wound up tonight, court is in the morning. I'm sitting here writing this, and I'm so tense and stressed that I think I could stay up all night. I want to start cleaning and crocheting and continue writing. I think I'm going to go to http://www.pandora.com/ and turn on my "David Crowder Station" and try to mellow out a little.
Okay, music on. The video I embedded was pointed out by a friend and fellow blogger. Excellent song and video. I'm trying to remember tonight that Christ takes me as I am. I'm thankful for the forgiveness extended to me, and I'm praying for God to reveal what exactly forgiveness looks like toward Stacy, from me, right now. Stacy told me Friday to just go, and not delay it. I was asking him to kick out his girlfriend and work on things with me, and he didn't want to kick her out. So, I was left wondering what's so wrong with me. I finally quit letting the question eat at me as of today. I'm a sinner, saved by grace, and that grace is enough. God is in control, and Jesus is enough. Period. That will be my simple truth, everytime I feel weak.
On a completely off track side note, Asher was so funny tonight! He was talking to Isaiah and he said "I love you Isa...I mean SUPERMAN!" and he grinned, a big, goofy, Asher grin, and said to Isaiah, "You are awesome." I swear, you can't buy entertainment, or LOVE like that. The boys rubbed each others back tonight in the bath, and both said "I hope you feel better." Aww! I love the moments when they reach out to each other and are simply thoughtful and loving.
Asher did significantly better listening to me today! We've been reading a devotional at bedtime, and praying. Plus, I have really been working on not just yelling and flying off the handle. I just remind myself to take a deep breath and be intentional, and when I calm down, the boys respond better.
I found Chase a great home. Or rather, a great home for Chase found me. She has a pink collar, a new bed, is inside, and has two kids to play with! I think she's found a beautiful family to be a part of and while I will miss her, I know that it was best. I'm also feeling a bit more compassionate toward Oliver. Hopefully we can get a schedule worked out and he will get used to going potty while on the leash.
Well, I'm going to take him out for a while, then I'm going to sleep as best I can - tomorrow is going to be a long day. Goodnight friends!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What is the soil?!?
Good Evening! I am having a very bad weekend. It started getting rough when I attempted to patch up my marriage and was told to just go finalize the divorce on Wednesday. Then, I spiraled down from there, making some bad choices. Certainly making less than Christ-like decisions. So, I let a wound that Christ could have healed dictate my actions. I made the wrong choices. I wasn't shining my light. And I'm beating myself up more than ever. I am feeling like I've failed, over and over again. It's like I've been catapulted into a whirl of perpetual failure. I failed as a wife, I failed as a Christian, what's next? And how, after spending time reading and trying to keep up with the 90 day plan to read the New Testament, do I just forget about the comfort of Christ?! I know better, yet I was still enticed into worldly things to "ease" my heartache. Guess what? Those things made it worse. Then, I was at church tonight, and I listened to Pastor Clark describe validation. I have been so needy for validation in my life. I feel like a complete failure. I am not sure how to deal with all the big red "FAIL" stamps on the pages that are my story. I wanted my life to look so much different than it's looking. I certainly never thought I'd be a single mom. As I have been thinking about this, I started thinking about the verses in Matthew that talk about the soil. I must be weed-y, or shallow soil. I have these profound, life changing thoughts and realizations when I'm reading the Word and at church. And it takes hold for a short time, yet it doesn't stick. It fades. I fall back into my own routine. All of that thinking, caused me to start thinking about a garden. You can build a garden, just about anywhere. You have to have the right tools, and it takes work. Sometimes a lot of work. So, if the Word is the seed that grows...WHAT IS THE SOIL?! I want to build my garden, I want to stake out a plot of ground, I want to put the timbers around it, I want to buy the really nice weed cloth, lay it own, and pour the richest soil on it you can imagine. I then want to put seeds in it, I want to make sure to keep up with fertilizing, watering, and when a weed pops up, I want to get rid of it quickly. Roots and all. But what is the soil?? How do I change the soil of my heart so that when I hear the Word, I apply it, and when I apply it, I continue to apply it, and it changes my life. I want the seed to have a great place to grow. I can imagine the tools for weeding are prayer, and maybe fasting. I imagine the watering can is probably prayer, as well. I'm sure that tithing is a tool, possibly fertilizer? And church, volunteering, worship @ church, small group, are all integral tools. But for all the tools, I cannot figure out what the soil is.....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The orchestration of it all...
I'm baffled this morning, as I sit at work, thinking about the last two days of my life. As some of you may know, I attended church twice, once at Summit, once at Journey, on Sunday. I was deeply moved by both messages, and grateful for them. I quit mistreating my kids because Clark preached about not mistreating our kids. I will strive to be intentional about bringing them up, instead of just surviving their childhood.
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!
I also gained an interesting perspective on our involvement in the hurts and wounds of others.
I didn't realize I'd live out the message Todd preached quite so soon. In fact, it was the very next day.
I was given the opportunity to respond to the crisis of a friend, and I am blessed to have been able to help. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know what to say, and I just kept remembering Todd saying "Sometimes you just need to be there..." and that kept my mouth shut and my presence in place. I couldn't change the outcome, and I couldn't take away the pain, but I could be there, as a sister in Christ, loving a dear sister.
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. God had orchestrated this all beautifully - and some of it honestly must have began at least two years ago. See, in helping a friend, I leaned on another - as I needed someone to care for my kids so I could be fully available. So, I called another dear Sister, and she got my kids from day care. I knew they would be safe, loved, fed, and watched over, so I could help another Sister.
I received two messages from church that both applied - because in bringing my kids up in the Lord they need my example as much as my lectures *if not more!* So, I will live my life in service, and in that, I will teach them to live their lives the same way, I will strive to have positive involvement in the trials and hurts of others, and I will live my life for the Lord, seeking what He wants, more than what I want.
I will quit disqualifying myself from the service of others with excuses about my own hurts. While doing so doesn't make my hurts any less, it shifts my focus, and when I stop picking at the wound, God's amazing love, grace, and healing can come in, and He can send people and the Holy Spirit to take care of the wound. If you've ever bandaged a wounded animal then you know it is much easier to do so when they are distracted. I suppose I'm the same way. When I'm so wrapped up in me, I pick at it and never let it stop bleeding or heal. When I shift my focus and reach out to others, then I stop picking at my wounds, and they have a chance to heal.
I am amazed by the grace of God, and how He divinely orchestrated these last two days in my life. God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called - and He certainly equipped me for what was coming. I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Seeking Direction...
Good Afternoon! I had a blessed morning at church - I actually went to a new church...both new to me, and a new church plant! It was a wonderful morning, learning about Job and his wife. What a beautiful new perspective on what his wife was saying, and the type of woman she may have been. Have you ever considered that the best commentary on the Bible is...well, the Bible? I hadn't ever considered it in that context, but it was a great perspective, and one I would like to apply.
I am at a huge crossroads in my life, as I try to figure out what direction to go. I have been curious about, and considered learning about the adult dating world. I have no experience in adult dating, which I have allowed to be a handicap to me mentally. I also have been starting to get back into the Bible and focusing on church. I am certain that God wants me to fully rely on Him, and I am convinced that God wants to be my safe place, and my hiding place. I know He wants me to study and read the Word, and to focus on the things He wants for me.
Today, as I am seeking direction, and as I am trying to sort out the sources in my life for directions, I have come to a conclusion. Instead of asking someone who is out of state how to get from point A to point B, instead of asking a blind man, instead of asking someone who speaks a different language, or instead of asking someone who's never been to point B from point A, I will ask someone who knows the route, whose familiar with the destination, and who can give me clear, understandable directions. I will call or email the Pastors in my life, ladies that are fully devoted to Christ and involved in church, and I will search my Bible, using the tools and resources I have available to me. Above and beyond those people, and the Bible, I will pray. I have not been praying like I should. I know I should be, and I know many of the reasons why I should. I also have been struggling with guilt and hurt. I am afraid of what God might want me to do. But today, I am going to quit letting fear dictate my relationship with God. If God would have me spend my life single, then so be it. If God wants me to focus on reconciliation, then I shall sit at His feet, and wait for His strength, guidance, and steps. If reconciliation is what God wants, then it's what I want. I want to want and live the things of God, not the things of Regina. I am inadequate.
God knows His plan for my life. And living life based on my own strength, and abilities, is leaving me lonely at night. God is in control and Jesus is enough. I want to live this. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. More importantly, by the minute. I used to spend so much time at church, and in the Word, that the encouragement surrounding me was entirely positive. My available time has changed significantly, mainly due to work. I want to worry more about serving God, raising my kids, and keeping my home comfortable and comforting for my kiddos, than I do about the adult dating world. I don't want to compromise just for attentions sake. I want God to define my relationships, and I want God to define the type of man He wants in my life. Whether that is an issue of reconciliation, or no man, or ?? I don't think God's going to answer the man question right now. I think God desires my focus to be on Him, my heart to be serving Him, and my life to revolve around Him.
My prayer for my life is that it will honor God. I will live in and accept His forgiveness, as I know that the demise of my marriage was largely my fault. I was being foolish, and while I'd like to justify my foolish actions as being reactions, and give the reasons and the hurts that birthed such behavior, the truth is that I am simply a sinner, and I was sinning. And I knew I was sinning. I shouldn't have been. I should have been focused on God then. I should have been begging God to draw my husband back to church. I should have been more willing to accept the help of the counselors in my life. I shouldn't have let pride or prior wounds affect my decision making.
With all of that said, I can also tell you that a call to reconciliation would be hard. I did ask my former husband to move into the apartment with me, and the reason he gave was that he would rather be with his girlfriend. That if they ever broke up, he may consider dating me. Obviously, reconciliation is not a one sided venture. But to look past all that has happened and get back together with him would take a strength I don't have within me. I no longer want to rely on what I think I can or cannot do, I want to rely on what God can do through me.
God is in control, always & still. Jesus is enough. I need to rely fully on those truths. I've not been letting Jesus be enough, I've been wanting something more. It's hard to not focus on having/being in a relationship with a man. It's hard to not think of finding someone that would be helpful in my life. It's hard to not want someone to watch movies with and snuggle with. But I know that my focus is in the wrong place right now. But God can do even the hard things...so I'm going to turn it over to Him.
Okay, I'm rambling and repeating myself now, so I shall sign off here!
I am at a huge crossroads in my life, as I try to figure out what direction to go. I have been curious about, and considered learning about the adult dating world. I have no experience in adult dating, which I have allowed to be a handicap to me mentally. I also have been starting to get back into the Bible and focusing on church. I am certain that God wants me to fully rely on Him, and I am convinced that God wants to be my safe place, and my hiding place. I know He wants me to study and read the Word, and to focus on the things He wants for me.
Today, as I am seeking direction, and as I am trying to sort out the sources in my life for directions, I have come to a conclusion. Instead of asking someone who is out of state how to get from point A to point B, instead of asking a blind man, instead of asking someone who speaks a different language, or instead of asking someone who's never been to point B from point A, I will ask someone who knows the route, whose familiar with the destination, and who can give me clear, understandable directions. I will call or email the Pastors in my life, ladies that are fully devoted to Christ and involved in church, and I will search my Bible, using the tools and resources I have available to me. Above and beyond those people, and the Bible, I will pray. I have not been praying like I should. I know I should be, and I know many of the reasons why I should. I also have been struggling with guilt and hurt. I am afraid of what God might want me to do. But today, I am going to quit letting fear dictate my relationship with God. If God would have me spend my life single, then so be it. If God wants me to focus on reconciliation, then I shall sit at His feet, and wait for His strength, guidance, and steps. If reconciliation is what God wants, then it's what I want. I want to want and live the things of God, not the things of Regina. I am inadequate.
God knows His plan for my life. And living life based on my own strength, and abilities, is leaving me lonely at night. God is in control and Jesus is enough. I want to live this. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. More importantly, by the minute. I used to spend so much time at church, and in the Word, that the encouragement surrounding me was entirely positive. My available time has changed significantly, mainly due to work. I want to worry more about serving God, raising my kids, and keeping my home comfortable and comforting for my kiddos, than I do about the adult dating world. I don't want to compromise just for attentions sake. I want God to define my relationships, and I want God to define the type of man He wants in my life. Whether that is an issue of reconciliation, or no man, or ?? I don't think God's going to answer the man question right now. I think God desires my focus to be on Him, my heart to be serving Him, and my life to revolve around Him.
My prayer for my life is that it will honor God. I will live in and accept His forgiveness, as I know that the demise of my marriage was largely my fault. I was being foolish, and while I'd like to justify my foolish actions as being reactions, and give the reasons and the hurts that birthed such behavior, the truth is that I am simply a sinner, and I was sinning. And I knew I was sinning. I shouldn't have been. I should have been focused on God then. I should have been begging God to draw my husband back to church. I should have been more willing to accept the help of the counselors in my life. I shouldn't have let pride or prior wounds affect my decision making.
With all of that said, I can also tell you that a call to reconciliation would be hard. I did ask my former husband to move into the apartment with me, and the reason he gave was that he would rather be with his girlfriend. That if they ever broke up, he may consider dating me. Obviously, reconciliation is not a one sided venture. But to look past all that has happened and get back together with him would take a strength I don't have within me. I no longer want to rely on what I think I can or cannot do, I want to rely on what God can do through me.
God is in control, always & still. Jesus is enough. I need to rely fully on those truths. I've not been letting Jesus be enough, I've been wanting something more. It's hard to not focus on having/being in a relationship with a man. It's hard to not think of finding someone that would be helpful in my life. It's hard to not want someone to watch movies with and snuggle with. But I know that my focus is in the wrong place right now. But God can do even the hard things...so I'm going to turn it over to Him.
Okay, I'm rambling and repeating myself now, so I shall sign off here!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Free will, anyone?
Well, first off let me say this, it's been ages since I posted a blog. Over 6 months. I was still living in Tuttle, things with Stacy may have been a bit rocky, but they were not all together over in the sense of marriage, and I was running a home day care. Fast forward to now, January 2010, I'm less than three weeks from finalizing the divorce, I am living in Blanchard, I am working full-time outside the home, and lo-and-behold my dear boys are in day care. That last change was one that I thought would kill me, and let me say, I think I've done alright with it.
I have an interesting job, and it is affectionately known as the "pretend" job. I suppose for professional reasons, I won't post the cons of my job on the www.
The pros are pretty awesome. Like, mainly, I get to bring my kids to work if they can't go to day care for some reason - which totally rocks for me! I also am running the office side of things, working on coding expenses and getting QuickBooks straightened out. That is an interestingly difficult job to do. I love it. Weird, right?
So, since I'm on the topic of my job, and my title is free will, I suppose I'll connect the dots now.
I work with this one guy, (actually, I work with several guys...) and honestly I never thought I'd have an intentional conversation with this guy about anything aside from the weather and golf course. I don't totally mean that bad, and I hope if you're reading this "guy that I work with" that you don't hate me now, but I just assumed our personalities would crash horribly, which was a quick judgement to pass considering I don't even really know him. So I know, don't judge others. Gotcha. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. Moving on...
He came into my office, and oddly enough, I can't really remember how or why religion came up, but it did. I'm not all that shy about those kinds of discussions. I'll talk God, and the Bible, with just about anyone, as long as they will remain sane and civil (which he did!). I enjoy those conversations, am not afraid to explain my faith, and I'll even admit I don't know, when I don't know. No one else joined us on this particular conversation. Funny how that works.
Well, after three hours of friendly debate and conversation about God, Christianity, religion, theology, the works, I'm wondering more about this whole free will thing. I've had thoughts about it and doubts about it, and my general conclusion and choice of acceptance is that I am simply the creation, and God, my Creator, is so much bigger than I am, that I do not and cannot understand everything. Okay....fine enough with me, usually. Not that I never have doubts, because trust me I do. Especially when it comes to free will.
Why? Well, because of things like Judas. Judas was created and intended for a purpose...from my understanding. I think that even if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, the story would have still turned out the same - as Jesus purpose on earth was ultimately the cross. So, if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, and the story would have ended the same, what was the purpose of Judas turning Jesus over to the guards? I have no idea. Why would God create someone for that purpose? Again, I have no idea. This is just what I'm thinking about tonight...free will, how does it really work? Is it a limited free will? I suppose there are environmental limitations. I sometimes wish I could record conversations to go back over them, there are so many things I wish I could play over again, to try to grasp what the other party was trying to communicate. What about predestination? I suppose I'm going to go in circles over all of this for now. I hope to re-visit this topic when I have read my Bible more thoroughly this coming year. While I would like to fully understand free will, I think I would be quite content to simply be better prepared for my side of a free will debate. I may not be able to fully understand free will, but I don't like holding a debate with someone on something that I haven't nearly enough information about. I'm not trying to cause anyone to question their faith, and I certainly am not trying to cause anyone to question God. I still trust and love God. I believe I am saved by grace through faith. I believe my faith produces works, but that my works are not what's getting me to heaven. I believe sin is sin, and I believe we all have the ability to choose to make the right choice. I can even accept that some of the things God ordained in and of this world do NOT make one bit of a sense to this girl. I believe God has my best interests in mind, but that what He considers my best interests, and what I consider my best interests, generally vary greatly. I believe God is far more considered with my character than with my comfort. I know I have a hard time always know what God expects of me. Like now. I have no idea. I'm going to try to read my whole Bible this year. I want to learn to lean fully on God, in all things, for all things. I can't do this on my own anymore.
I have an interesting job, and it is affectionately known as the "pretend" job. I suppose for professional reasons, I won't post the cons of my job on the www.
The pros are pretty awesome. Like, mainly, I get to bring my kids to work if they can't go to day care for some reason - which totally rocks for me! I also am running the office side of things, working on coding expenses and getting QuickBooks straightened out. That is an interestingly difficult job to do. I love it. Weird, right?
So, since I'm on the topic of my job, and my title is free will, I suppose I'll connect the dots now.
I work with this one guy, (actually, I work with several guys...) and honestly I never thought I'd have an intentional conversation with this guy about anything aside from the weather and golf course. I don't totally mean that bad, and I hope if you're reading this "guy that I work with" that you don't hate me now, but I just assumed our personalities would crash horribly, which was a quick judgement to pass considering I don't even really know him. So I know, don't judge others. Gotcha. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. Moving on...
He came into my office, and oddly enough, I can't really remember how or why religion came up, but it did. I'm not all that shy about those kinds of discussions. I'll talk God, and the Bible, with just about anyone, as long as they will remain sane and civil (which he did!). I enjoy those conversations, am not afraid to explain my faith, and I'll even admit I don't know, when I don't know. No one else joined us on this particular conversation. Funny how that works.
Well, after three hours of friendly debate and conversation about God, Christianity, religion, theology, the works, I'm wondering more about this whole free will thing. I've had thoughts about it and doubts about it, and my general conclusion and choice of acceptance is that I am simply the creation, and God, my Creator, is so much bigger than I am, that I do not and cannot understand everything. Okay....fine enough with me, usually. Not that I never have doubts, because trust me I do. Especially when it comes to free will.
Why? Well, because of things like Judas. Judas was created and intended for a purpose...from my understanding. I think that even if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, the story would have still turned out the same - as Jesus purpose on earth was ultimately the cross. So, if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, and the story would have ended the same, what was the purpose of Judas turning Jesus over to the guards? I have no idea. Why would God create someone for that purpose? Again, I have no idea. This is just what I'm thinking about tonight...free will, how does it really work? Is it a limited free will? I suppose there are environmental limitations. I sometimes wish I could record conversations to go back over them, there are so many things I wish I could play over again, to try to grasp what the other party was trying to communicate. What about predestination? I suppose I'm going to go in circles over all of this for now. I hope to re-visit this topic when I have read my Bible more thoroughly this coming year. While I would like to fully understand free will, I think I would be quite content to simply be better prepared for my side of a free will debate. I may not be able to fully understand free will, but I don't like holding a debate with someone on something that I haven't nearly enough information about. I'm not trying to cause anyone to question their faith, and I certainly am not trying to cause anyone to question God. I still trust and love God. I believe I am saved by grace through faith. I believe my faith produces works, but that my works are not what's getting me to heaven. I believe sin is sin, and I believe we all have the ability to choose to make the right choice. I can even accept that some of the things God ordained in and of this world do NOT make one bit of a sense to this girl. I believe God has my best interests in mind, but that what He considers my best interests, and what I consider my best interests, generally vary greatly. I believe God is far more considered with my character than with my comfort. I know I have a hard time always know what God expects of me. Like now. I have no idea. I'm going to try to read my whole Bible this year. I want to learn to lean fully on God, in all things, for all things. I can't do this on my own anymore.
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