Free will, anyone?

Well, first off let me say this, it's been ages since I posted a blog. Over 6 months. I was still living in Tuttle, things with Stacy may have been a bit rocky, but they were not all together over in the sense of marriage, and I was running a home day care. Fast forward to now, January 2010, I'm less than three weeks from finalizing the divorce, I am living in Blanchard, I am working full-time outside the home, and lo-and-behold my dear boys are in day care. That last change was one that I thought would kill me, and let me say, I think I've done alright with it.
I have an interesting job, and it is affectionately known as the "pretend" job. I suppose for professional reasons, I won't post the cons of my job on the www.
The pros are pretty awesome. Like, mainly, I get to bring my kids to work if they can't go to day care for some reason - which totally rocks for me! I also am running the office side of things, working on coding expenses and getting QuickBooks straightened out. That is an interestingly difficult job to do. I love it. Weird, right?
So, since I'm on the topic of my job, and my title is free will, I suppose I'll connect the dots now.
I work with this one guy, (actually, I work with several guys...) and honestly I never thought I'd have an intentional conversation with this guy about anything aside from the weather and golf course. I don't totally mean that bad, and I hope if you're reading this "guy that I work with" that you don't hate me now, but I just assumed our personalities would crash horribly, which was a quick judgement to pass considering I don't even really know him. So I know, don't judge others. Gotcha. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. Moving on...
He came into my office, and oddly enough, I can't really remember how or why religion came up, but it did. I'm not all that shy about those kinds of discussions. I'll talk God, and the Bible, with just about anyone, as long as they will remain sane and civil (which he did!). I enjoy those conversations, am not afraid to explain my faith, and I'll even admit I don't know, when I don't know. No one else joined us on this particular conversation. Funny how that works.
Well, after three hours of friendly debate and conversation about God, Christianity, religion, theology, the works, I'm wondering more about this whole free will thing. I've had thoughts about it and doubts about it, and my general conclusion and choice of acceptance is that I am simply the creation, and God, my Creator, is so much bigger than I am, that I do not and cannot understand everything. Okay....fine enough with me, usually. Not that I never have doubts, because trust me I do. Especially when it comes to free will.
Why? Well, because of things like Judas. Judas was created and intended for a purpose...from my understanding. I think that even if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, the story would have still turned out the same - as Jesus purpose on earth was ultimately the cross. So, if Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, and the story would have ended the same, what was the purpose of Judas turning Jesus over to the guards? I have no idea. Why would God create someone for that purpose? Again, I have no idea. This is just what I'm thinking about tonight...free will, how does it really work? Is it a limited free will? I suppose there are environmental limitations. I sometimes wish I could record conversations to go back over them, there are so many things I wish I could play over again, to try to grasp what the other party was trying to communicate. What about predestination? I suppose I'm going to go in circles over all of this for now. I hope to re-visit this topic when I have read my Bible more thoroughly this coming year. While I would like to fully understand free will, I think I would be quite content to simply be better prepared for my side of a free will debate. I may not be able to fully understand free will, but I don't like holding a debate with someone on something that I haven't nearly enough information about. I'm not trying to cause anyone to question their faith, and I certainly am not trying to cause anyone to question God. I still trust and love God. I believe I am saved by grace through faith. I believe my faith produces works, but that my works are not what's getting me to heaven. I believe sin is sin, and I believe we all have the ability to choose to make the right choice. I can even accept that some of the things God ordained in and of this world do NOT make one bit of a sense to this girl. I believe God has my best interests in mind, but that what He considers my best interests, and what I consider my best interests, generally vary greatly. I believe God is far more considered with my character than with my comfort. I know I have a hard time always know what God expects of me. Like now. I have no idea. I'm going to try to read my whole Bible this year. I want to learn to lean fully on God, in all things, for all things. I can't do this on my own anymore.