What you make of it!

I think the first and biggest lesson God is going to mold in my life through this stay at the hospital and this recovery process is: Life is what you make of it.

Talk about a hard blow... I started my new year out not even breathing on my own. I was working on forming some resolutions for the new year, I wanted to start off 2011 strong. I wanted to see new growth and progress in my life. I wanted to accomplish lots this year. Lets face it, a new year comes with a new hope and the expectation that we can improve our life. Not like the last day of one year and the first day of the new one ever really sparkle magically and bring instant transformation, but there is a hope that suggests something almost that magical.

I had a blog post...actually two, that I had really wanted to write, and now I honestly don't even remember what all I had to say. I had decided I was going to work on getting my weight down, and improving my health. I was going to eat better. I was going to take control.

Then I got slammed with the worst of the worst in the flu virus. I honestly almost died. I haven't been able to nail down a recent statistic, but one of the nurses told us that 10 years ago I had a 10 percent chance of coming off the ventilator alive and breathing on my own. When you consider that I was even going on a ventilator because I couldn't effectively breathe for myself - this all gets pretty overwhelming pretty fast.

At one point I thought I was going to die. I was sad for the people that I love, because I knew that nobody is ready for something like that. I have two beautiful boys, a snoozer-man, my mom, friends, church family, and I remember praying that God would give them all strength, but I was okay with going. I knew that from heaven I'd worship God with no sadness, and that I'd get to love on my Creator without a care or fear in the world. When I got scared, it was fear of being alive, stuck in a hospital bed, unable to fully or effectively communicate with the people around me.

God spoke to me even then, and reminded me that He didn't bring me to this to drop me off in the middle of no where by myself. He brought me to it, and was bringing me through it. I could choose to focus on Him, and on the blessings, or on the things that were less than pleasant. In these days following as I settle in to being home, and slowly regain strength, I have a choice. I can focus on how hard this is, or I can be thankful to be alive.

I didn't start out this new year with the gusto I had intended. But I'm still breathing. I had wanted to re work our budget, and now I'm not sure how this month is going to work out financially. But God has me here for a purpose. And the miracles I've seen this week are unfathomable. Money is a perfect example of one of the miracles. Stacy told me he'd used all of the cash in my wallet but just a few dollars. I tend to worry about finances/money/bills and was already working hard to remember to trust God about the hospital stay and everything. I was trying to add up in my head what cash I knew we had for groceries and gas and what bills we would be able to pay.
When I got into my wallet all of the cash we had was still there. Stacy knows for sure he took money out to put gas in the van to go back and forth between seeing the boys and the hospital. I know that God put that there to show me that He has this. Tomorrow morning is going to come around, Stacy is either going to still have a job or he is going to go find a job. One way or another he's going to be back to work, and God is not going to let us do without.

Our church family is coordinating some meals to help us out, and Stacy's family is helping with some groceries, and my mom bought some groceries and things that we needed as well, and I know that God put His very breath in me for a purpose, and I'm not going to let this world worry me.
I think it's what you make of it. I can worry, I can stop focusing on God, stop thanking Him, stop trusting. Or I can hold on to the hand of my Daddy who loves me and let Him carry me through this. I missed the first 4 days of this new year all together, I spent 8 days in the hospital, but it's alright. God's grace is new every day, every morning, and His love and mercy is refreshing me and growing me and calling me to make the most of 2011 - with the right perspective on Him and His will as opposed to me and mine.