What am I looking for?

Life has been throwing me many curve balls lately! We had a great time over Christmas with my family in Colorado. The large boy has wanted to move to Colorado for a while, and I finally decided I would. I love my home in Oklahoma, my friends, and very importantly, I love the church we attend and I love the vision that we are creating as a church, and I want to serve God and the community alongside these people. I decided we could find a great church home in Colorado, I would make new friends, and I would be close to my parents and my sister, and my sweet nephew!

God had other plans. I shouldn't have been surprised - this has happened before.

We are going to be moving into the large boy's house in Norman, sometime in March or April. This is a huge, scary, frightening, overwhelming blessing. Yep, you read that right. Let me put it this way: Who wouldn't feel blessed by 1000 more square feet? A garage? An extra bedroom and bathroom? More cabinet space? Pretty awesome, right?

Yet, this is where the large boy, my ex-husband, lived with his girlfriend. Yep - the one I felt like he left me for. Now, he swears that's not how it happened, and I am convinced that he believes that, as much as I believe he left me for someone else. It's that whole perception thing that gave this blog it's title. From where I sat and watched, with the knowledge I had (however complete or incomplete), I have my opinion and feelings on the matter. Same goes for him.

They lived there together for almost a year. From my perspective, and the few times I was there to pick up or drop off the boys, they made a home together. Moving into that home is overwhelming. I keep talking about painting, and putting up curtains, and making it "my own" but the truth is, it doesn't feel like it will ever resemble anything that is "my own".

In struggling with this, and trying to be open to what God is doing in this process, I asked myself "What am I looking for?" - meaning, am I looking for a reason to keep hurting? Am I looking for a reason to hide in a room all by myself? Am I looking to perpetuate the feeling of being replaced? Or am I looking for healing? Am I looking for ways to make home more about family and less about the walls around us? Am I looking to God for my worth, for God to tell me I am loved and I am His - always?

This is a difficult process, because I don't feel like I have any say once we move. He has his own rules for the kids there, and as he outlines those, I feel like I don't get any say. He had a certain standard for the chores, dishes and laundry, and I feel like I have to live up to what he expects instead of running my home, my way. He has routines, he has places he wants to put things, and I find myself quickly feeling like I will have no place for me. I requested the "spare" room for myself - and I keep finding myself living there in my head, making that one room my only "me" space. He said he doesn't want me to clam up in that one room. He said he wants me to be comfortable and to live there like it's my home, too. He has definitely said all the right things. Now if I can just get out of my own way, and rely on God for the strength to walk through this process.

Today I pray that my focus will be on God, and what He is doing through this process. I pray that I will let all the other worries fall away, and I will just rely solely on my Father in heaven who adores me. He is the only One that will love me no matter what, forever. He has a purpose and a plan, and I want to walk in and live in that purpose, that plan.

What has God brought you to that challenged you? How did God bring you through it?

God is in control, and Jesus is enough.